My issues, including those related to JW past, affecting my relationship...

feenx

Hello all :/

Today I am at a loss. I am in the midst of writing my life story and though it so far has been extremely therapeutic it is also bringing out some demons. It is now really starting to affect my relationship with my GF. The frustrating thing, is that these demons and issues are not something that I can just brush off, regardless of whether I was writing my life story or not. In fact doing the writing that I am is giving everything structure and streamlining it in a way that is I feel enabling me to handle things better. So, in a sense, it does not feel like she is having issues with this book, what it means to me, how important it is for me etc. Instead it feels like she is having issues with my issues, and those issues being out in the open and my discussing them. And that truly makes me feel like shite.

I totally understand that seeing someone you love go through difficult times and carry a heavy emotional load, is not easy nor desireable. I know that it takes away from my stamina, and that affects our time together sometimes. But I have never let it stop me from supporting her, spending time with her, being a good companion.

As much as I would love to just snap my fingers and make everything go away that's just not a realistic option. I will fully admit that these demons bring out unpleasant things in me from time to time, but I certainly dont feel that it's a constant thing, nor do I feel like it's stopped me from functioning. All in all this whole process, up until last night when we hashed things out, has made me incredibly positive about life, love, my future, spirituality, therapy, recovery, etc. etc.

She told me that she has her own things and her own path and she can't always be worried and stressed about mine. I told her that I was never asking her to be stressed out or consumed by it, nor to feel uncomfortable with me talking about things, but simply that I want her to be a part of the positive changes and to share them with her. I told her that I think she should absolutely follow her own path, and that I want to be a part of and share in that, and at the end of the day we can come home and talk about the steps and great things we've done that day.

She admitted that she has been pushing me away with the whole thing. And I admitted that sometimes I'm letting the past take control when it shouldn't. So at least in that respect I felt like we finally communicating about the whole thing. But now I just feel like we're at a crossroads. She knew my past when we got together, and she was ok with it. Now that I'm making huge strides to grow, I feel like she's not happy or comfortable with that. I can't change my past, but I am trying to better my future. But if it's causing pain with my loved one, in the end will it hurt me more than it helps? Is this all for the best? Am I pushing too hard?

Pretty much right now I feel totally rejected, and it's a very similar feeling to the lonliness I went through way back when all this started with my lovely pedophile Elder of a grandfather...

megsmomma

I am sorry this is getting between you two. I think sometimes as x-JW's, it seems we go through things "others" outside of it cannot possibly understand. There are the "common" issues...ones that people of all backgrounds understand (like abuse, and issues during childhood) and then there is the whole deal we all have with exiting a cult. I think your GF likely understands you more than you know...but, maybe you wish she would fully understand MORE of it...and that may not be possible. Sometimes people who havn't gone through it cannot really see how much MORE of a burden we feel we carry.....but, that doesn't mean she is at fault. I think you should be happy she is relating to you as much as she can...and go to other avenue's (like this board...or a cult exiting councelor) for the parts she can't relate to.

I hope this helps...and remember...there are times you will feel like you are progressing great...and then there are times you will feel totally deflated by ll of it, and that is normal. ((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

OnTheWayOut

Getting out of the WTS cult can be all-consuming. Your problems and your therapy can be even more consuming.
You will probably get through all this with your relationship intact. If necessary, allow yourself to be consumed
with it a little less. I mean- try to share what you need to share, then say, "Enough about that. How was your
day?" If you don't need to share your revelations and breakthroughs, then save some of what you learn for her to
get it from the reading.

I don't mean to suggest squashing your personality. I just mean to suggest being who you always were, and
not letting this learning/writing process completely change you.

If you can't do that, then you may be all-consumed by the things you are working out, and you might have to
listen to the GF when she tries to help. She would know better than us how to reach you and help you to
put some of this aside. If a crime victim spends all their time reliving the crime, it is very depressing and stressing.
Others find it difficult to be around them.

VoidEater

I wonder what is threatening to her about your process - the stress she sees? The possibility that you may grow beyond your current relationship with her?

It's not healthy for anyone to get so consumed with another's process that they lose track of themselves. Sounds like you are both communicating and prepared to place some boundaries around the level of focus you place on each other. There needs to be balance in both your lives.

Going through your process can be a bit crazy-making, and it would be healthy to be able to set it aside at times and reconnect with who you are becoming, who you want to be, the end result of all this work. Be sure to set aside some time to put the book, therapy, your process, and be the person you imagine yourself to be, and share in your life with you girlfriend.

I've been there, done that, wrote two books, moved on...in a successful, healthy way.

legalchickie

I totally agree, no one that has not been a part of this awful cult can relate to how emotionally draining and painful it can be to leave. I am so glad to have found this forum, it helps me keep going to know I am not alone. Isn't it terrible what this horrid organization has done to all of us???

feenx

Thank you all so much for your kind words!! I think things will be ok, we're very devoted to each other, but no one ever likes the bumps in the road :/

momzcrazy

Hi feenx! Can I recommend going to a professional to discuss your issues? Perhaps someone with experience in cults?

It is always hard when your love is going thru hard times, and when they are doing their normal changing. My husband and I got married at 19 and 18 and we have changed alot thru the years. Sometimes the changing was hard to handle. You are doing the right thing in making sure she knows you love her and want to be with her. She may be frustrated because she wants to help and doesn't know how. Hence the professional.

Good luck on your path.

momz

feenx

I do see a counselor about once or twice a month, depending on cash flow. My lovely health insurance through work doesn't cover outside therapy :/ But the therapist has been a tremendous help.

My issues, including those related to JW past, affecting my relationship...

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