Ok, so I haven't been around much lately, I've been focusing on "real life" instead. I've totally came to terms with my DF'ing over the past year. Its easier for me to see Dubs than it was. Lots of them I pity, for holding on to something because they so badly fear the outside world.
I'm viewing my decision to leave as nothing more than being asked to leave a concert or ballgame, I broke a rule so they asked me to leave their little group, not mad, or anything, just my ideas and theirs weren't the same anymore.
Really, the people you "met" at the hall, or were "friends" with, are most of them REALLY people that you would CHOOSE to hang out with if you weren't forced to??? I'm gonna say 85% of the people I knew or met, I would normally not hang out with, except for the RARE exception, that was also living a double life like me. Most of these people were THE nerds of society, the outcasts, the socially retarted, the power hungry, those that were a little "off", those that needed someone else to tell them how to live. Most of the time I loathed who I was in the congo with. Do I miss them??? NO!!!! Some of my own family, I don't even miss, my grandma is a religious fanatic weirdo, my aunt and uncle are two of the most weak minded people I've ever met. I have a father that I love, my aunt and her little kids that I dearly miss, and a little cousin, that was like a little sister to me. The rest of them, I don't miss, and frankly I never really was "buddies" with. I mean I'd hang with em, I'd drink with em, I'd hear them tell their "bad" stories, but for the most part I kept my mouth shut, and usually thought most of em were real, genuine weirdos and fanatics. There are weird regular folks too, but for the most part I've always found them WAY MORE down to earth and likeable.
My father is talking to me now on a regular basis, we don't "hang out", but I don't know that its totally necessary either. We never discuss religious matters, just talk like we always did. I wished he'd come over for a BBQ or something this spring, but I know that won't happen as long as my stepmom is in the picture, and I don't wish to interfere with them either.
My girlfriend and I are getting pretty serious too, and I started going to services with her on Sunday. I enjoy it because its a "Taize" service at the Presbyterian church, which gives you time for reflection, and using your OWN brain to consider the material. I greatly enjoy the small group and the leaders of the service too. No pressure, just lots of reminders of god's love for us.
I've never had a woman in my life like this, we didn't start all the best, you'll have to read on my other posts to find out that. But we are doing wonderfully, we can't get enough of each other, we're really falling in love with each other and its a beautiful thing. I never thought I would be this lucky, I thank my lucky stars everyday that she is in my life. We've actually been talking about marriage too, which at one point I had totally swore off.
My blues band is getting busy again, and are coming up on our really busy time of the year. Last year in the spring and summer we played ALOT, and it was great to entertain all those people. I'll be playing on at least one cd this spring too, I'm playing all the guitar parts on a young ladies cd.
I lost about 15 lbs over the winter, and need to keep going, my total goal is 60 lbs, and I need to start concentrating on that again. I gave up cigar smoking last year, and have cut my drinking down drastically too (not that it was an issue). This year I'm also planning to go back to college to finish my 4 year degree in Finance.
So I guess, all I'm saying is when they kick you out of their little cult, just know their is a real life out there, real friends to have, a real soul mate, real goals to work towards. I still believe in a higher power, but I believe in a forgiving, loving, caring god, not some angry sky tyrant that you can never live up to their expectations. I just feel very at peace with my decisions these days, and very happy with who I am, no bitterness, no anger or hate, just love and happiness.