I am in active but I still attend conventions. I love rode trips what can I say =]
My life has been horrible. And being a JW actually didn't play much a role in it being that way. It hasn't been shoved down my throat. I liked field service because that meant we get to eat at a Fast Food rest. I liked bible study because our group had cool snacks every time. I day dreamed alot during the meetings. I begged for a bible study and got pretty bored with that but I completed it eventually. I found a book [green book] in the lost and found room with all the answers and even quoted scriptures in tiny writing. I used that book to cheat my way through my question. Was baptized. You know those three question you say yes to? Have no clue what he was asking me, my cousin had told me earlier to say yes. Basically I drifted through the process at first because my home life was sh*t. As I got older the 5 meeting a week did start to kill me. I was in a college prep High School that gave loads and load of homework. And on top of that I had to prepare for the meetings. It was something I lived for. I tired and tried for it to be something that made me happy. I transferred schools and the homework was pretty much non existing there. I was pissed pissed at who ever assigned talks because in my entire time on the school I surly didn't have over 10 talks. Yet an elder's twin girls had a talk every theocratic night. I only had TWO talks that were mine. Three householder talks. The rest were me filling in for absent sisters. I was really good at giving talks and being on the stage. I never was considered for the assembly/convention assignments. I was working so hard. I envied the people in the congregation who had so much joy from serving Jehovah and being his slave. I wanted to be happy doing it. It always felt like a task. And then my home life..
My father is not in the truth. My mother married my father, humm it went like this . "I have been studying and if you want to be with me you have to marry me, if you don't then we cant be together. I am getting baptized. " -- He married her. Honestly our/her life would have been much much better if she would have let him go on. Having a wordly husband hasn't done anything good for our family. He is scum. Not based on his beliefs. He molested me a few times as a child. He is scum. I haven't told anyone about the molestation but he has been one of the most disappointing human beings even without it, and my mother has stuck by him I think because of the no divorcing rule. Yes she loves him, but sometimes you have to let go people even if you do love them-- I can't tell why exactly I am so messed up because so much crap has happen to me.
I feel if she had found a decent man to marry our [hers me and my older bother] life would have been much better. My mum left me and my brother with our psyco aunt for three years while she did cross country truck driving with my father. I was 12 my brother was 16. My aunt was in the truth, she also was one of those fake women one way at the meetings another behind closed doors. We enduring being beat and cursed all on the daily basis. We suffered in so many ways. My brother I honestly feel is worst than me. Another novel there.
I got burnt out going to meetings. First I stop doing my lessons. I never prayed much unless I was in trouble, just being honest here. I stop answering questions. When I stopped interacting it was an overall thing. I stop doing things for school also. My mum calls me anti social. "You don't like any one" === me "True". I like people I do but some people just uggh. A sister at the meeting once asked me why I wasn't closer to one of the sister around my age and she also went to the school as me. I said " I don't even like her" -- "If I had a co-worker who was a JW we would stick together, I would be over joyed to be with her" me "oh ok sucks you don't have one then. Well I don't like her, I love her she is my spiritual sister and I'd take a bullet for her because she is a great person but she works on my last nerves and she never shuts up. I don't like her, besides she has lots of friends and so do I". The sister I was having this conversation with, we had other ones concerning my weight and so on and eventually I managed to get the message across I didn't like her and I would not take bullet for her and she stop messing with me. I don't see why I have to interact and be happy go lucky with someone just because we share the same religion. If you ask me if I binge with my food and I say no I am just not hungry. You go on and on about it, we don't need to be counseled by brothers for this. You stay out of my business and stop trying to feed me chicken fool I said I wasn't hungry. You could believe in Juju and worship plastic figures of spongbob, I still think if I said I do not binge and I am not hungry and you keep pestering me you suck.
For me I never bothered to dig deep and find or pay attention to the million of reasons JW org is crap. These two were enough for me. I am a female and I love females. If I wanted to be an elder or hold a high position it was nearly impossible. Men are great but I feel women are equally great.
I used to day dream all the time about finding a girl in the congregation who felt the same way I did but that was as much possibility as me having sex with the really cute overseer.
So I wanted to just up and move away and start college somewhere and find myself there. But turns out I am going to need to start at community college and then I can move away. I wont get disfellowshipped. My mum's life is crappy enough with out having the congregation whispering and what not all about her. My brother faded off and then moved away and I will do the same.
So wow you read all that fluff?? I am not atheist. I believe God is powerful but he is not perfect. If he was perfect he wouldn't have made such a big mess. The Bible is a really good book, but ultimately for me it is just that, a really good book that I am not breaking my neck to follow. I don't want anyone to pick a religion for me. I just want to hear from others where they are now in that area?