LD, I'll apologize in advance for the length of this post, but I see so much of myself in what you're trying to do that I have to go into ranty, lecture-like mode—Again!
I know that as Christians, we are eager to help people. However, we have to be careful that our help takes the best form for those on the receiving end, and sometimes what we WANT to do is not what we should do.
Maybe you have first-hand experience with becoming an emancipated minor, and maybe not. But I hope you have considered all that might happen to him if he leaves his mom's house and goes off to fend for himself. What seems to be the best thing at the time can turn out to be the exact opposite.
He's got to be ready to go to court and say, on permanent record, that he would be better off without his mom. Even kids who are being physically, emotionally and sexually abused find that, at the very least, an extremely traumatic thing to do. He has to be prepared to support himself. Does he have a job that will actually pay the bills? Does he have the motivation to make it through high school and college? Does he know how to write checks and pay bills and what the consequences are if he doesn't pay his bills on time? Does he have a support system in place outside of his family, and other than you? If not, he's going to get lonely at some point and go back to his family. And you're not going to be very comfortable with that after all you've done to "help" him.
There is a serious mind-set that comes along with going on welfare. Whole generations of people get trapped in the system, and find it impossible to get out. If you are going to help him get on welfare, are you prepared to ensure he will not remain in the system for the rest of his life? Does he have the moxie to use the welfare system for what it is there for—a boost up and a way out?
More than this, are you and your wife willing to act as actual surrogate parents when he faces difficult times ahead? He'll need that. Not just a place to live, but someone who is watching to make sure he's eating right, keeping on track, not getting into debt, keeping happy. When you get the call in the middle of the night that his mother has kicked him out, will you go to pick him up and support him emotionally and financially--let him live with you until he has become emancipated and has found a permanent residence? How long will that take? Being a minor, can he choose to simply go live with you for awhile, even if his mom kicks him out? Or will his mother report you for kidnapping (which she seems perfectly capable of and inclined to do at this point)? Can you even let him live with you legally, or will he have to go into the foster care system? If he's in the foster care system, will he be placed in a family or in a group home (which might be no better than prison)? Is the foster care system safer than where he is right now? He might need money, he might need advice, he might need to live with you in the future if he can't make things work out with your brother-in-law, or even after college! He will need serious emotional support--if not therapy—so he can avoid the trappings of depression when he realizes he's lost his family, or lost a huge connection to them at the very least. It's a big responsibility; there's nothing easy about it. And if you're seriously suggesting the situation is bad enough for him to become emancipated, then I wouldn't wait for his mother to kick him out of the house. Help him now. Offer to bring him to a lawyer or to a therapist who works with children, or to social services so that he knows what emancipation involves. Or you can go without him and find out EXACTLY what he has to do, and how much involvement you would have to have. Educate him. That might let YOU know how serious he is about your help. And from what I can tell of who you are, I'm sure you'll be there for him—because helping him become emancipated and putting him on welfare is only the beginning.
There are many other solutions that might help him get through this time period without uprooting him from the only home he's ever known. This kid is 16-years-old. He has less than 2 years left to live under his mother's roof. It may be easier and wiser to help him learn to live with his mom and then get into college on the other side of the states (even out of the country) when he turns of age. Help him keep his grades up. Help him find scholarships. Help him find a good job and a car--or even help him open his own business! Teach him how to be responsible with money. Give him a way to get in touch with you without his mom knowing—a simple cell phone with text messaging should allow him to access a free email account, right? Or he could visit the library and email you from their computers. You could communicate with him that way. And keep any disparaging comments about his mother OUT of writing in case she finds the phone and tries to use it against you in some ridiculous accusation. He's black? The state and federal government will practically pay for black male students to go to college to become a teacher. In some states, they'll buy you a house for putting in a few years of teaching in the inner cities! He doesn't need a 4.0 GPA to get to college on scholarship and grants, but if his GPA is 3.8, then he has options other than being an investment banker—even if that's what he SAYS he wants to do.
When I suggest you pull back, it's for your own sanity as well as his. I've seen poems like what your friend wrote. He is obviously in a lot of pain. I've been through situations similar to yours on four different occasions, and I attacked them with the same vigor you seem to be using; having that wholesome, christian motivation to help people thrusting me forward. In two of the situations, the parents asked for help with their kids. In three of the situations, I took steps that were similar to what you seem to want to do—drastic. None of those situations turned out well, because what I didn't realize is that even when people ask for help, they are only asking you to do so much and to go so far, and anything beyond that is unwelcome--even if you feel it's necessary. I felt angry afterwards when the kids were sucked back into their families; used, like I had wasted my time (which of course, I didn't. I know I made a lasting impression on those kids even though I wasn't able to do all I wanted to--some of them have told me so). It's very painful. And the kids are worse off in the short term, not better. More than that, they tend to do exactly what they are most familiar--which is whatever their parents taught them to do. They may remember you and what you tried to teach them, but it's not always enough to get them to change tracks. When I look back, I realize that I wasn't really trying to "help", I was trying to "fix". And some things can't be fixed, just mended with the best tools we have available.
I'm not suggesting that you don't have the capacity to have thought of all of this yourself already, and I'm not suggesting that being emancipated and going on welfare will absolutely not work out for this kid. But sometimes in our eagerness to do the right thing—what many of us define as the Christian thing—we forget that we may have to do the very thing we don't want to do and just let well enough alone. Life is so rarely black and white. This kid may be asking for your help, but he's only 16 and may not know exactly what it is that he's looking for. Or maybe he's already telling you what he wants, and you're not ready to hear it. Maybe he wants to be friends with you and keep things exactly as they are (even if he says differently) and still stay with his mom. Maybe HE'S trying to pull back from you a little, and you don't really want him to because you love him, want the best for him, and don't want to lose him. Maybe you're not able to judge his situation as well as you think you can because your upbringing was just very different from his. Just because you've come to understand his mother to be "fat and worthless", I guarantee you this kid's feelings for his mother are the polar opposite from yours. You obviously do not like her at all, and maybe for good reason. This kid may be angry with her, he may even call her "fat and worthless" at times, but she's his mother and he loves her. And that love trumps everything—even good sense. I suggest you take a long, objective look at what you're trying to do, honestly look at all of the options available—no matter how distasteful they are to you--and move forward from there.
Can you tell I'm a bit passionate about this subject? :)
Whatever you decide to do, I wish both you and he the best and hope things end in a peaceful place.
