Journal of a JW - Part 2 of 5

Part 1 is here: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/152566/1.ashx

Jan.19/93

Dear Journel,

There is always so much I want to say in this thing, during the day that is, but come the time to type it down and I forget.

As always I worry about my job, I try not to but with the new legislation it's hard not to worry. I'm not all that sure that I'm doing that good a job at work, becoming lax as it were. Bill made the comment that I was the problem not the machine, it struck home faster than all the filthy words he has used in the past. The fact that he didn't yell at me made me think, alot.

Other topics that keep me attention is that of my mother. I finaly went to the doctors and asked about getting psychiatric help coaping with Bill [ poppers] molesting me. Dr. Forten suggested that I try another means of getting the help needed. A book that deals spacificaly with getting through it and councelling, of course. I was greatly relieved at this and proceeded to tell my mother about it. To say the least she wasnt impressed about it and got quite upset about it. Staring to, by her body language, denying the damage he caused was real. In fact the responce of the ones I talked to about it was ampathetic at best. I try not to get upset but it's hard. You would think that they would be happy for me, they only said that it was about time. So begins the long road to recovery.

I only hope that I will get the sleep I need to face the day with the energy lacking for the past few days. I must remind you,Journel, that this is only a brief review of the past few days and says nothing of the mood swings that have plegde me in the mean time. So good night dear Journel.

Dear Journel,

I'm sorry that I haven't typed anything in this thing for awhile but the day's have gone by very quickly. I have been so much about the past I have lost track of the present, of which I am very confused completely. There are times when the past is so vivid and real but there are times when I just don't remember. How do I start the healing process when I can't sort the facts from the fiction or exadurations of the facts to fit the pain, or phantom pain, I feel. I don't want to loose tract of the present. Only by sorting these feelings out can I continue the what I worked at for the past 4 years. They say that time heals all wounds, and I hope that there is still time for the healing. The reality of the stiuation slamms in my face every time I try to talk to others about it, they freeze and brush it off. I end up feeling confused and alone with no where to turn. In fact this whole period of my life will be alone, that is when I get frustrated and angey at others since they have promised to be there for me.

The other pressures of work and home are always there, so I constanly pray for help to cope and endure. Jah. is the one person I can alaways go to and that thought is a constant comfort to me because when I pray I'm not alone.Good night Journel.

Dear Journel,

The past few days have gone by very quickly and I thought it was about time I typed something here.

The feelings come on so strongly some times that I can't handle them. I think that I write good peotry in my head then forget it to type it down.

Other times the stresses of life take over and I find it difficult to handle. I end up neglecting to type. I have to get my taxes done and I am going to have a fight with Paramount Acceptence to get my account smoothed out. I intend to get ugly if possible. I should have known then to have anything to do with that company, the last time I got the official run-around with them and I'm not in the mood for it anymore so they had better not mess with me tomarrow.

I hate my job and my bosses hate me, though they have not found a reason to fire me yet, but tomarrow is another day so god night.

Dear Journel,

There are times when I understand men and then there are times when I don't, like now. When you encounter reality which I did this evening, it's only then I don't, at all.

It seem that every time I encounteer Victor I find myself tonge tied and unable to answer any question at all, misunderstandings occure and I'm always [ and I mean always] on the apology end. I say that the next time will be different but it never is. YOu see I was hoping that I could relax and unwinde tonight.Now I reaize you can't do it with people I don't know. I was uncom@ertable ,uncertain, and very tired. I shouldn't have gone, and I won't do it again. The bowling was great but the people were not. In otherwords I messed up baddly due to being tired. But on to other busness..... I have been on a self inprovement kick and I havent been getting anyware with anything lately. I'm macking two dresses for someone that I thought might mack them feel better but am told that I practacly begged to do so. In my oppinion I didn't beg.
I often think my verson of reality is completely different from others. This leads to confusion and missunderstanding on my part. I tend to withdrawl into myself macking the situation worse.
I deffinatly feel at a disatvantage when it comes to Annette,Haward, and Victor. Withe the risk of sounding petty I realy don't want to play with them any more. At least not till I get my head on straight. I don't need the added hassel and don't need to be accused of being "read like a book" dispite what Victor says. Everything in my being want's me to phone him up and tell him that he dosen't know me at all, only what I want hom to see, I'm a completely different person from the one I let him see. But courage prevents me, or the lack of words.

Journal of a JW - Part 2 of 5

Nosferatu

Bourne

SirNose586

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