My comments are in italics.
This next bit is probably a bit too irreverent for a devout Christian.
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http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/8181/1.ashx
Heaven Inc.
The telephone sang to him and the revelry that was his daydreaming was at an end. "Hello," he droned, "Heaven Incorporated, Jesus speaking, how may I help you?" His eyes stared ahead to the cubicle wall in front of him as the voice droned in his ear.
".......your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Amen." Jesus sighed. "Yes maam. Thank you for calling Heaven Incorporated."
His eyes shifted to the large clock on the wall ahead of him, the face an elaborately carved cross with him of course at the centre, his arms moving clockwise to establish time. 2:30. Not even close to his smoke break. He had complained about the clock of course but Human Resources was very busy. They would see what they could do. They were very sorry for putting him on hold.
The phone sang again and his hand snatched the receiver. "Heaven Incorporated. Jesus speaking. How may I help you?" Jesus's face reddened at the yelping voice. How many times had he been asked this question. All day it seemed. "No. I'm sorry maam. That miracle has been discontinued. Yes, yes I know that you just ordered it last week. But it is discontinued. That is why it is not available THIS week." The woman swore at him and hung up and Jesus sighed. He should have become a dentist.
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This one is pretty heavy, long and dark. And certainly irreverent towards Bible God. But if you can handle "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy, you can certainly handle this.
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/10381/1.ashx
A rough draft
unedited..rough..grammatically hopeless..
The wind rustled through his hair, lifting and seperating each strand with a chaotic precision. He stumbled along unaware of his surroundings, so mired in his own memories that he was impervious to the stares. Ignoring the comments, Unheeding of the wry and contemptuous looks of those who were. Those who would not know what he had given. What he had sacrificed. His whispers rose into the night, his mutters floating and dissipating into the wind that carried them.
Lines creased his face. The brand of time. Searing and cutting and burning into his skin. He had known years. He knew this...he had lived a long time. His hands pulled his worn coat closer to his body. HIs ravaged memories telling of the lie.. that he did not need this. The cold touching his skin because it affected his clever ruse. What ruse? What game was he playing at?
The words tumbled from his lips. "Forgiveness...forgiveness father...," his eyes rolling to the top of his head...he did not deserve this. Hise eyes jousted and danced. Met the stares of those who would dare challenge. Pride. Horrible pride. It was his downfall. It had always been his downfall. But the eyes met. And dropped.
How had it come to this? Where had he gone wrong when he had been so blessed? The shining one? The pupil? The son of Elohim? The song filled his head. The song and the music and the light. Oh sweet god it was too much. His memories hurling him to his knees and driving him forward. Always it was the music that drove him. He would kill a thousand gods to hear that music. His tears slid down his cheeks. The burning fire of his tears scarring and cleansing his face.
He had believed that he was something special. That somehow the rules did not apply to him. The lie rose through the fog to strangle thought. How wrong he had been. How wrong to doubt. What a fool to not see what simply was and what coud not be There was no wrong and right where absolute power reigned upon the brow of a mad king. "Jehovah....." the foreign and harsh word spat from his lips, "why have you forsaken me."
His eyes rose and met the frenzy of the passing cars, the black smoke from the exhaust framing and hiding his body. The faces stared ahead as the people walked by him. Faces lost in thought and memories and the clear avoidance of contact. The faces that looked at him with pity and sadness. Oh how wrong they were. Right to feel pity. Thought not for the reasons they thou ght. Never stopping. Cursed humankind with its compassion so strong that it could only be fake. It's tragic obssession with wrongs the world across. His sneer curled with the irony.
Tears and rage and contempt spilled forth into sound. The words of a man who cannot accept what he sees. The rage spilling forth, his arm raising and bodies scattering away from him, humans turned leaves in the gale of his anger. " You don't know!," he yelled. People scrambling away from him. Eyes that flickered with fear and confusion scrambling by him, housed in bodies that walked hurriedly forward. "You don't know what I've given!" HIs voice bounced off the sounds of the everyday, his tattered clothes flowing in the bitter wind.
"You don't know. You don't have the faintest clue. To rebel to the heavens! To deny your existance! To deny your father! To deny your god! To deny your life..."
He slumped to his knees. The rain falling and running down his fingers. Down his back. Down his arms. Rapture!!! Rapture even after these centuries. The feel of it against his mortal skin. "Father," he whispered, "forgiveness." The coin bounced off his chest, the nickel rolling and curling at his feet. The man who threw it walking briskly forward, looking nervously behind. It had come to this. A beggar in a world of beggars. The letters bit into his fingers as he picked up the coin. His eyes focusing on the words. "In god we trust." Laughter vomited forward from his mouth. "In God we trust," he whispered into
the unhearing night, his back resting against the shattered remains of the broken glass of a bus shelter. "In God we trust."
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"Ask Father Naeblis"
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/10876/1.ashx
was a pretty funny thread based upon this premise:
"I would like to humbly inform you all that the great god JEHOVAH has come to me in my dreams and revealed to me that I am anointed. All scrolls have been opened unto me and I am authorized to answer all questions! May you all have peace!!
Father Naeblis"
Kat_ asked him:
Dear Father Naeblis:
Please Help! I am having a personal crisis! I am at a loss! I have serious dilemma concerning Gummi Bears. See, ever since I discovered Gummi Dinosaurs, I have been buying them. The Dinos are bigger and, in my opinion, more enjoyable. I feel so confused! I have been faithful to the bears for years and feel guilty for desiring a change. Is it morally wrong to turn my back on the bears after years of being loyal? Are the Dinos part of Satan's wicked system of things? I just don't know which ones to get! I know that you, with your new-found divine wisdom, will be able to help.
--Lost and Confused, Florida
and his inspired reply:
Kat, this is a very interesting question. GOD will only say one thing. 2 KIngs 2:24
That scripture says,
"He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths"
Here we see GOd using bears as a divine punishment in defence of his holy prophet Elisha. I think the answer is clear dear one, Bears are a holy animal loved and cherished by god. For no animal but the bear is so quick YET strong, able to mangle children with such a high percentage of mangled children to escaped children. Is it respectful to chew and bite the heads off and devour these gummi mockeries of God's holy animal?? I think we both know the answer to this question.
May the great GOD Jehovah bless you
and this was my favorite divine castigation from his holiness:
Repent and tremble in the fury and wrath that is his everlasting love, lest you be burned and mangled and choked and whipped and cut and pummelled and bashed and gnashed in the everburning pits of hell (in his mercy)
Sounds fairly Monty Pythonish, but in my book that's a good thing.
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Had enough?
Open Mind
