I've been lurking on this website for quite some time, but haven't quite gotten the strength to post until now. For obvious reasons, I cannot reveal my identity. Although my "family" nows that I am no longer a witness and celebrates holidays, they still have "hope" for me. I grew up as a JW and was baptized at the age of 11. Up until this point, my experience with the religion and my congregation was all good. I was very close to those in my congregation and especially the older elders. Since I didn't see my grandparents often (they were worldly), these older couples were my only grandparents. We moved out of state when I was 13 and that is when the damage started. We moved three or four congregations, trying to find the right one. Every one we went to was cold, unfriendly, judgmental, cliquish, and unwelcoming. I so badly wanted to serve Jehovah and do good... so I took up auxilary pioneering for many years. After all, I was homeschool from third grade on. Actually, after 7th grade I wasn't schooled at all. I devoted all my time to preaching, studying, and meetings. My parents then became inactive and I strived to do it on my own. I cannot tell you the comments I heard from others and things that were told to me by old pioneer sisters and elders. Things such as, I am a burden to give rides to in service and that it's my parent's responsibilities to take me to meetings and assemblies, not the others in the hall. Some of the stuck up elder's daughters started crap with me because they were leading double lives and I exposed it. Rumors were started about me... such as my losing my virginity to a pioneer brother that I liked but never dated at the age of 14! This circulated at the assembly and was found out when someone I didn't know came up and asked me if I was pregnant with so and so's baby. The one that started the rumor was dealt with, but the damage was done. Needless to say... eventually... I found myself giving up and getting into trouble at the age of 16. My savior was meeting a "GOOD" brother that was older than me. We married when I was 17. Of course, according to his family, I brought him down with me. Not long after we married, we began experiencing hard times making it to meetings and in service. We got the dirty looks, the glares, the uncomfortable questioning of "where have you been?" and the hurt feelings of our closest friends cutting off all contact with us... for being IRREGULAR! We switched halls thinking it would be better but it only got worse. After we had our second baby, it was just too emotionally straining to make meetings. We became inactive. Three years later we moved a great distance away and I thought it would be a good idea to try it again. I had just given birth to our third child and started going back to meetings, without my husband. He was too bitter. So there I was... the "SINGLE" mother of THREE coming in late and sitting in the back of the hall. The glares. The looks. The whispers. It was awful. No one came up to me afterwards. I felt like I had done something wrong. You know... getting married before I got knocked up, having three children with the same man, my husband, and trying to serve God once again. I was very wrong. Anyway... I couldn't do it anymore. At that point I gave up completely. Six months later I made the decision to "go all the way" and leave the religion. I didn't want my children to go through everything my husband and I had gone through. The low self esteem of never being good enough, always failing to meet the religions expectations, the family's expectations, the friend's expectations, etc. The confusion. The being left out of social functions because they were always holidays and birthday functions. I celebrated my child's 5th birthday and have never looked back. It has been three years. Today I am working through the issues nicely. I am very interested in religion (all religion) and spirituality. I want to find the "truth" for myself and believe what I feel is right. Unfortunately, my husband is still conflicted. He is bitter and has no interest in going back, but can't quite move beyond that. He says he still believes, but then he says he's confused. He celebrated Thanksgiving and Valentine's day, but nothing else. He smoked for years, cusses, watches rated r movies, and plays violent video games, but yet cannot bring himself to celebrate the day of his child's birth. I have backed off, allowing him to do his thing, but it's frustrating. It doesn't help that he has three generations of family, locally, that are the typical (hypocritical) devote J-Dubs. They push it and push it with him. None of my family are witnesses anymore, thank god. Anyway, I am hoping by being here I can share some frustrations, improvements, ask questions, and relate to others. It's hard to get it out when none of my friends understand... they weren't JWs. They don't understand the jargon and the confusion.... nor the damage. I am currently looking for a support group in my area. Thanx for listening.
My Introduction
by bgurl81 6 Replies latest jw friends
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free2think
Hey bgurl, Welcome to JWD.
Thank you for sharing your story, im sorry you had to go through so much, but it's great that you got out with your immediate family intact.
I look forward to reading more of your posts.
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dinah
Welcome bgurl,
Take a deep breath. You are among friends now.
It took me years to let go of the mindset. It's only been about the last three Christmases that didn't seem weird--and I've been out over 20 years.
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AudeSapere
Duplicate Thread.
The other one is running longer so I will link y'all to that one: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/156177/1.ashx
-Aude.
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Open mind
Hope you don't mind a few paragraph breaks.
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I've been lurking on this website for quite some time, but haven't quite gotten the strength to post until now. For obvious reasons, I cannot reveal my identity. Although my "family" nows that I am no longer a witness and celebrates holidays, they still have "hope" for me.
I grew up as a JW and was baptized at the age of 11. Up until this point, my experience with the religion and my congregation was all good. I was very close to those in my congregation and especially the older elders. Since I didn't see my grandparents often (they were worldly), these older couples were my only grandparents.
We moved out of state when I was 13 and that is when the damage started. We moved three or four congregations, trying to find the right one. Every one we went to was cold, unfriendly, judgmental, cliquish, and unwelcoming. I so badly wanted to serve Jehovah and do good... so I took up auxilary pioneering for many years. After all, I was homeschool from third grade on. Actually, after 7th grade I wasn't schooled at all. I devoted all my time to preaching, studying, and meetings.
My parents then became inactive and I strived to do it on my own. I cannot tell you the comments I heard from others and things that were told to me by old pioneer sisters and elders. Things such as, I am a burden to give rides to in service and that it's my parent's responsibilities to take me to meetings and assemblies, not the others in the hall. Some of the stuck up elder's daughters started crap with me because they were leading double lives and I exposed it. Rumors were started about me... such as my losing my virginity to a pioneer brother that I liked but never dated at the age of 14! This circulated at the assembly and was found out when someone I didn't know came up and asked me if I was pregnant with so and so's baby. The one that started the rumor was dealt with, but the damage was done.
Needless to say... eventually... I found myself giving up and getting into trouble at the age of 16. My savior was meeting a "GOOD" brother that was older than me. We married when I was 17. Of course, according to his family, I brought him down with me. Not long after we married, we began experiencing hard times making it to meetings and in service. We got the dirty looks, the glares, the uncomfortable questioning of "where have you been?" and the hurt feelings of our closest friends cutting off all contact with us... for being IRREGULAR! We switched halls thinking it would be better but it only got worse. After we had our second baby, it was just too emotionally straining to make meetings. We became inactive. Three years later we moved a great distance away and I thought it would be a good idea to try it again. I had just given birth to our third child and started going back to meetings, without my husband. He was too bitter. So there I was... the "SINGLE" mother of THREE coming in late and sitting in the back of the hall. The glares. The looks. The whispers. It was awful. No one came up to me afterwards. I felt like I had done something wrong. You know... getting married before I got knocked up, having three children with the same man, my husband, and trying to serve God once again. I was very wrong.
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Try clicking on the "Automatic Cr/Lf" box and unchecking the "HTML formatting" box next time and see if that works better.
Sorry you've had to deal with so much pain. Glad to hear your recovering. This site is a real help.
OM
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Quirky1
Hello Bgurl!
Welcome to JWD!
I read your post and I feel for you. Many of us here are or have been in your situation. I am sure you will find many freinds here and please feel free to vent. I have only been here a month or so and found much support from many. I am sure you will too.
At this point, give your husband some more time. I can see him haboring some animosity towards the Jdubs and yet have a hard time letting go, especially if family is invloved.
Continue in your direction and be true to yourself. You have to be happy in your heart.
I hope you the best.
Quirky1
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Tired of the Hypocrisy
Hi BGurl81,
First off....Welcome. I am sorry to hear how badly you have been treated. I hope that things get better for you and your family, wherever you decide to be. Leaving the jw religion is hard to do, I myself was in it since age 6 and am fading away instead of outright leaving because of my wife and her family ties to it. Here you will find people that have had a variety of troubles with dealing with jw's. None of us are perfect in here, but we do not pretend to be God's spokesorganization, and we do not judge. We have had quite enough of that, and I believe I can speak for most of us on that!
Take care, Kiddo and I am looking forward to hearing more from you.