a few steps forward

alone

Hello again, I haven't posted lately as I have been trying to get myself together....baby steps...I'm in therapy now, finally with a good therapist !!! What a difference ! It's hard but worth it. Yesterday we dealt with

some anger issues that have been building up,coming to the surface, I posted last time about them but didn't get much response & no one seemed to have my experience, (feeling angry that is,about the jw experience.)..today I felt relaxed for the first time in a long time. My off time has been filled with watching R rated movies, it's great,,,(netflix is wonderful,& the library suppliments)...when I'm working at my boring job I can listen to my ipod (podcasts of interesting npr shows..the moth podcast is really good.)...when I get upset over a little thing I swear now, to myself, just because I can....monday I plan on trying a yoga class for some light exercise & relaxation, I really need that. I saw a witness from my old congregation yesterday, I was going into the grocery store & heard someone say my name..I turned around & saw the women in question,,,I just stared at her, with a mixture of distrust, alienation, separateness, I don't know how to explain it but after about 10 seconds she came toward me to kiss me & I reciprocated. But the truth is I wouln't care if I ever saw any of them again,,and that's how I feel,,they are a THEM to me...for so many years I suffered w/the pain of what the d'a of my son, & what that did to me, as a mother, & having to turn myself inside out to go along w/it....and I always struggled with it...and that's what I was expected to do...NO ONE understood what I was going through, I couldn't get support from anyone in the hall...I was just expected to shoulder it, & I did the best I could until I just couldn't do it any longer..}THEM....(can you tell I'm still angry?) I know it will take time, & I'm doing what I can to facilitate the healing process...am reading books on the subject...went to a cult recovery meeting....it was good. Just wanted you to know I'm still alive & kicking...by the way, I don't like my screen name, I was in a darker place when I signed on so how do I go about changing it? Is it possible or do I have to reregister, or can I even do that with the same personal data, i.e. email address?

JK666

alone,

I am glad that you are back, and that you are taking positive steps in your recovery. In my experience, the anger comes and goes, and over time the intensity lessens. It is a lot like a roller coaster, the highs and lows are biggest in the beginning.

About changing your screen name, I have no clue. You might try PMing a mod for help.

Welcome to JWD.

JK

jaguarbass

Glad to hear from you. Things get better with time. I went to AA for 7 years after I escaped the tower. Instead of saying I was a recovering Alcoholic, I said I was a recovering JW. It worked for me.

Hortensia

I remember your first post - felt so sorry for you. I'm so glad you have a good therapist, glad you are doing stuff to feel better. I hope your son can have a friendship with you one day - but even if that doesn't happen, there's room in your life for some pleasure. I know how you feel - I had lots of anger at the JWs, my family, stuff that happened. It goes away.

jamiebowers

First of all, I hope you add the words "Used to Be" at the beginning of your screen name, "Alone", because you aren't alone now were the first words I said to you on your first post. I don't know how to change your screen name but just wanted to congratulate you on all of the steps you've taken so far. Keep coming back!

brunnhilde

I'm so happy to hear you've found some good help. I can really understand your anger. I struggle hugely with this issue, swinging back and forth between anger and fear. I have nightmares about being trapped in my parents house with the elders all trying to brainwash me back into the congregation. I have panic attacks when the dubs knock on the door of my new apartment.

Even though I've been out two years now, it's still hard but it's slowly getting better. You're right about the baby steps. This is a very very good place to come. No one else can really understand where you are and how feel besides the people who've been through this same experience. Even escapees from other fundy cults, like the Mormons just don't have the same language. Big welcome to you!

brunn

LouBelle

Alone: it does take time and as you are learning, you have to take baby steps. It least now you have the freedom to express yourself. Only now after 3 years, after many tears, venting of anger, am I more at peace about being a JW. Peace.