My 9th grade daughter has an "in school" boyfriend who is JW. "In school" because she is not allowed to date yet, only go out in groups, and he, of course, is not supposed to be attached to any girl, especially one who is not JW. He is actually a very nice boy, but he is so confused. His parents are very devout, but so far he refuses to be baptised. He kind of believes what he has been taught, but also sees all the other kids and people in the world and knows that the Watchtower and Awake talk unrealistically. He is also allowed to run pretty wild as long as he is with JW kids. Its kind of funny, but he talks to me like I am his Mom, about a lot about things, because he and his parents don't talk about emotional issues at all. He know I don't believe what he believes, but I am not obviously critical of JW. He talks about religion with me, but never my daughter. Anyway, I have educated my daughter about JW and she is horrified by their religion and culture, but she just adores this guy, who adores her back. They have been involved more than a year, which is unusual for kids of this age. They talk on the computer, as he is not allowed to phone...except when he can sneak a call when his parents are away. They see each other at school and school events. They are very mushy with each other, but have probably only had about 10 kisses all together, from the notes I find in the laundry.
Anyway, my feeling is if I am kind of low key about it all, then eventually the relationship will break up. They don't get into any mischief, much as he might want to. They are so young, and so different in background. I am trying to avoid them digging in their heels and having a "Romeo and Juliet" situation. His parents get freaked about it, but have to admit my daughter is a quiet, goody goody honour student, and they have no way to separate them without removing him from the school. They are convinced that he will want to marry her. At age 14, I'm not worried who she is going to marry.
Next year, they plan to move him to a different school, which is fine by me!
Tell me, is my low key approach the right one? I'm hoping that "this too shall pass".
my daughter's boyfriend is JW!!!!!
by concerned mama 9 Replies latest social family
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concerned mama
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Tammie
Yes, low key, is the way to go. That young JW boy, sounds just like my husband, when he was his age. My husband was never intrested in the JW teachings. He did get baptised, only because he was forced to. But he did not show him self to be a JW, it was never in his heart. He got into sports, and dated non-JW's. In fact there was this one girl, that he dated for a very long time. It was an off and on thing. They did end up getting ingaged, about the time they was in the 12 grade. But ended up breaking it off. I really don't know all the details other than that. The reason why I say low key, is this way you can still talk to both your child and her boy friend. If you are wondering what position my husband is in now. Well he is dissocated from the JW's and he really hates them, and is very angry. Right now your daughter's boyfriend does not have a choice with his religious situation. But one day he will. How, well that is up to him. But I would not worry, too much, because of their ages.
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Abaddon
I don't think you have to worry about him turning your daughter into a JW. If anything, your daughter will prevent him turning into a JW.
If you can do one thing, give him the addresses of websites like this.
He might not be old enough to have started looking himself yet, but sounds old enough to be able to understand stuff once he see's it.
People living in glass paradigms shouldn't throw stones...
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Yerusalyim
I agree with Abbadon on this one.
YERUSALYIM
"Vanity! It's my favorite sin!"
[Al Pacino as Satan, in "DEVIL'S ADVOCATE"] -
concerned mama
Both my daughter and her boyfriend regularly read each other's e mail as they havetold each other their passwords. Seems like a real lack of privacy thing, but the teen couples seem to do it pretty frequently. Anyway, I send my daughter links to sites like this one when I find a topic I feel is appropriate, such as the poppy, blood issue or shunning. All he has said to me about them is " I guess she has to know". He tells me he has never researched his religon on the internet before. I don't want to push it, as it isn't fair to him as he is trapped in his religon until he is older, and is quite aware he would lose his family and friends if he does leave. I feel sorry for him.
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concerned mama
On the weeekend, her boyfriend told me that the elders talked to him about my daughter. He told them that they do not date or do "stuff". I asked what "stuff" was and he said sex. I should darn well hope not, at that age!!!!! He said he was NOT told not to see her anymore, but they only see each other at school anyway, so......
By the way, I can't believe how his Mom does everything for her family. It is like the 50's. This has to be the least self reliant kid in living skills. I don't think he could boil an egg or turn on a washer. And I thought I spoiled my family!!!!!!
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joelbear
Hi concerned mama.
I agree low key is the correct approach. I also wanted to add. Please don't underestimate the good influence you can have on this boy.
I was raised as a witness and had no communication with my parents about my true feelings about life. They only wanted to hear what they wanted to hear. I was quite miserable.
The mother of one of my school chums befriended me and let me talk to her about things I could never discuss with my parents. She helped me a lot through my adolescence.
Last night I returned a call to my mother. I am now 43 and nothing has changed. Anything I try to talk about other than standard JW speak is either ignored or I am told not to talk about it because it is upsetting.
It has been very sad for me to go through life without parents. I am an emotional orphan. Keep that from happening to this young man.
Joel
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ballistic
hey mama?
Are you the same person as on another board (Beyond JW) who this was happening to about 6 months ago? It sounds like exactly the same story, a bit further along, except this guy wasn't even allowed to chat to the daughter on the computer. Same person or just coincidence? -
concerned mama
Thank you, Joelbear. I really appreciate your feedback. I know this boy's parents love him, but they show it in the strangest ways. I guess it makes sense to them because the most important thing to them is that he is JW, not his marks in school (a brilliant kid who does not have to do his homework) or emotional health. He is really a very sweet, nice kid who truly cares about my daughter, young as they are. It is so hard not to critisize, so I just try to get him to THINK about things. He only sees the surface of why the two lifestyles are different, and not the WHY behind the differences. He is so young, and it is all he has ever known, and just doesn't consciously question things. AT ALL! I asked him about blood, and he didn't know that he could state that he wanted blood in order to live even though he is a minor. I hope i put a question in his mind anyway.
He has been asking me what to get her for Christmas. He has no concept of gift exchange, as he gets things from his parents, but has never given to anyone other than my daughter. He has no sense of the joy of giving, and how to choose something for someone...the joy in finding the right thing and watching the light in their eyes.
I wonder sometimes if my daughter is a beacon to him, out of a life he is confused and vaguely unhappy about. Maybe that is why he hangs on so tight. -
concerned mama
hey ballistic,
not the same situation, but I would love to read about that one. I'll tell you, this romance has opened my eyes to a religious group i had pretty well ignored in the past. I can't believe what I have learned. The mind control i read about is frightening, then to actually see so much of it in a young man...there are times when bits come out that give me the shivers. Much as he denys it, his mind works so differently.