an armored life

by chickpea 4 Replies latest social family

• 

  chickpea

  an amazing concept!!!
  
  all mothers are daughters
  
  i heard that on public radio
  when they were doing a thing
  for mother's day
  
  my own maternal unit
  is deceased..
  a decade or better....
  
  she was....
  unhappy
  for all of my life
  with her
  
  so, when the host
  of the radio program
  asked for callers
  to tell what their mothers
  has taught them about life
  
  amid the tales and tellings
  of lovely sentimental remembrance
  i tried to see if i could conjure
  something of substance as an
  adult child of an alcoholic...
  
  and i could!!
  
  of course it was not a cheery
  or optimistic or fond recollection....
  those rare interludes
  are not what taught me anything...
  maybe because they were few,
  maybe because they were foreign,
  or suspicious or insincere
  
  the lesson i cling to
  when reflecting on
  what my mother taught me
  was how to live... not by example
  but by contrast...
  
  she was bitter
  and brittle
  and wore her disappointments
  like ceremonial garb....
  she clung to her misery
  with a tenacious and self-pitying
  grasp that allowed her to swing
  her pain like a battle-axe
  thru the lives of anyone
  who was in proximal range
  
  none escaped unscathed...
  some did not escape at all
  
  i learned from her
  that an armored life
  is not a protection
  
  it is a prison
  
  and she died
  holding the key
  in her hand
  
  for good or for ill... that is what i learned
  and i will always be grateful c/p
• 

  choosing life

  Chickpea,

  Sorry there were not more happy times for your mother and you. Learning from bitter experiences can be a very effective teaching experience. I hope you have learned to be free and happy and passed this on to those you love. Best wishes, choosing life.
• 

  GoingGoingGone

  i learned from her
  that an armored life
  is not a protection
  
  it is a prison
  
  and she died
  holding the key
  in her hand

  Wow... I love this part. It is so true. And I think that many of us live an armored life for any number of reasons. Afraid to let others in, because we are afraid of being hurt, again. But holding people at arms length is no way to live.

  Thanks for posting this!

  GGG
• 

  caliber

  Thank you for sharing these painful thoughts.But when we can put thoughts & feelings to paper there is healing

  just the same ! Such a wonderful positive thought that of learning from contrast rather than example. I am sure

  that your heart has become wise, and is made of pure gold ( again by contrast )

  May you have peace & comfort to match your deep wisdom & understanding.

  Caliber
• 

  chickpea

  i certainly did not intend to intimate that there is a lingering saddness or a void in my life because of who my mother was and how her life played out......

  i learned well the lessons and in spite of heartbreaking and life shattering events in my owm life and the lives of my children, i find it to be in my best interest, and in the best interest of those i love, to embrace the life that is, rather than yearn for the one that never came about.....

  i once told my older daughter, who has several mental health diagnosis, that she can take the problems in her life, wield them like a stake and plunge them thru her own foot in order to spend her life marching around them..... and for all the angst and agonized labor, all she will have accomplished is a rut deep enough to hang a poster in.....

  bitter and brittle is not my style..... i may not be "happy" all the time, but i never fail to acknowledge the places in my life where the scales tip the balance on the side of joy.... and they are numerous