Musings

by whyamihere 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  whyamihere

  When did I become so cynical / jaded?

  Often thought of myself as one who optimistically looked at life – complacency if you will . Now after the past few years – more specifically 2 ½ years, I have found myself to be apathetic

  Is the fact that people whom I loved, left me? Or, the fact years have past and I now realize, people don't really care about others. Many just use them as stepping stones, or a side step for their own benefit. Some actually pretend to care, unknowingly, that on the other side there is a heart.

  Well there once was.

  I don't want to teach my children that, heartless individuals roam about the earth waiting to use/profit from them. Not wanting my children to leave the nest thinking, awfully, but with a filled heart and joyfulness that I once had.

  Maybe, I've seen to much pain, hurt, sorrow, abandonment, lies etc.. Or, that fact I've done my share of it and now realizing, that I too, am one of them. Those certain individuals who cast their lies and promises and never fulfill. Am I? Hard on myself, am I not, should I be?

  Family has left me. Why? Did I grow up into a person who I wanted to be – destined to be? Free, from guilty cult like organization of men who decide what I do, how I live, what my children's future hold?

  Shall I sit and wonder who will die next? My aging grandparents? What about an accident, leaving my last words to a beloved brother - “I'm sorry that's the way I feel about the Governing Body”. I wonder if that will ever happen. Will my sorrow and guilt of those words haunt and kill me?

  There's been no accident, but there could be.

  I'm tired of living like this – wondering.

  I love my family so and this life(aftermath of the cult) isn't really worth it, my freedom has cost me a self imprisonment of doubt and guilt and the dreadful saying “what if.”

  What I have done outside the cult isn't what I expected, nor care to continue.

  Trying to say......Being alone with my own thoughts and never getting answers as to why things are the way they are – gruelingly cruel to digest.

  Sick of being hurt, lied to, ignored and my feelings cast aside as if I never said anything at all. Sick of caring about those individuals. Wanting to hate them - wanting my life back, never to care or ponder of them again.

  Guess, I want a lot of things, but they were all simple really. Just caring words, a thoughtful hello, and a sorrowful “real” goodbye.

  Can't have everything, now can I?

  Alas, back to life.............
• 

  Casper

  Whyamihere,

  That was so sad to read... So many here have felt like you do from time to time.

  I sincerely hope tomorrow is a better day.

  Cas
• 

  whyamihere

  I sincerely hope tomorrow is a better day.

  Thanks, trying to look at a glass half full here. Thank you anyway.

  The plate of my life is full these days. The thought of going back just to please everyone has been mostly playing a part of my depression state. Sadly, its what may happen. Lead a double life? I've done it before.

  I thought JWD would have helped me more, but I guess in someways it filled a void - short term. Good and Bad did come from the site. Opened my eyes, it did, but I wished my heart would have been healed along with it. I came across a few real friends and some regrets. JWD still serves a purpose and some hope for me.

  I need to move I think. Move far away, but I wonder if it would be far enough. My uncle once said: "Moving away doesn't solve anything, the problems just follow." Sometimes, I wonder if he was right.

  I hate being sad.
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  Hope4Others

  I love my family so and this life(aftermath of the cult) isn't really worth it, my freedom has cost me a self imprisonment of doubt and guilt and the dreadful saying “what if.”

  i have often said the 'What if" words. Unfortunately you can not turn back the hands of time, you can only work at going a head despite the pain or anger

  of losing a good part of our lives. Filling the void is to read and empower ourselves in a positive way, you never know we could help another to see what

  so many of us have now. Trying to balance our feelings and not regressing to some extent can be a challenge.

  Best wishes in finding peace within,

  hope4others
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  Witness 007

  Jaded?......My favourite song is "Live and Let Die." I watched a movie where 16 people died and just yawned.....then saw IAM LEGEND where the dog dies and cried for an hour....what's my major malfunction?
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  Nancy Drake

  Miss you Brooke. For REALZ.
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  Sparkplug

  Hey Brookie!!

  I think it is a normal thing to go through what you are feeling. I am there myself. Actually for the past 10 years have been so since really seeing what JW's are like. Then I guess to counteract the way I am feeling and things are going as far as cynicism. I find the most exquisite delight in the small things.

  Kind of like what was said here, but the opposite as far as the ending.

  Jaded?......My favourite song is "Live and Let Die." I watched a movie where 16 people died and just yawned.....then saw IAM LEGEND where the dog dies and cried for an hour....what's my major malfunction?

  I do also find that I laugh at the most innapropriate things and as above cry at small things. I can take a song and just BooHoo it up. I wonder at times if it is just me...but I have noticed a lot of people I care about doing the same. I think it is loss, being let down, seeing and feeling too much too fast. It is a defense mechanism. The ones hurting the most are the most "jaded." They must still go on and function. Thus the harshness.

  It is gonna be alright. Just keep on keeping on!