I found my journal from high school. Here I will share some of my crazy youth…. minus a bunch of the crushes and crap. I’ll just focus on the JW stuff. (some crushes may have to be included because I was 16 for gosh sakes!!!)
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January 15, 1986
I keep telling Mom and Dad that I want to go to the prom. I really want to. Mom doesn’t say “No Chance,” anymore. She doesn’t say anything anymore either. Today she said, “When’s that?” If I do get her to let me go, how am I going to get her to let me go with D---? How can I convince her that he is safe (he is, you know)—that we are just friends? I think the only guy I know that I would want to ask as friends. There is one I would ask as NOT just friends….But hey, that’s out, right? And he’s a Witness!! How Ironic………………………
……………………………Mom and Mel (sister) are fighting. All this screaming, crying and emotional garbage is wearing thin on me. I’m sick of it. That’s why I haven’t gone through it with Mom in a long time.
If I ever tell Mom I am leaving, I’m going to go through it again. The biggest emotional scene ever. It will be trouble. Or if I suggest that I’m serious about seeing what the world is like she would launch into a huge yelling spree—then she would go into a guilt trip… Then she would probably stop talking to me. Such a big step. I really don’t have the guts. I’ll never do it until I have a place to go and some real friends.
That’s what I’m looking for: real friends. So far, I haven’t found them in the truth, and I haven’t found them anyplace else, either.
I don’t think there are any out there.
I feel terrible. Nothing seems right. I can’t put my finger on the problem, but it’s big, because I’m really marjorly depressed.
January 16, 1986
It seems like life is one big NO.
No prom.
No boyfriends
No going out for track
No straight skirts
No no no no no no
I told Mom I felt bored and she told me to get straight A’s. She really doesn’t understand. They can’t just say to me, “We don’t think it is a good idea to go out for track, but it is your decision.” No, it’s not my decision if I run, if I wear straight skirts,…….
I know this is crazy because no one can do whatever they want all the time, but I never can. Why is it that what comes naturally, what I like, my tastes, are all wrong and have to changed or done without?
January 17, 1986
Mom and Dad said I can’t go out for track. The coach said he would write a note to them to try to talk them into it. I don’t know if I should do that…it may just make the whole situation worse.
January 18, 1986
(this entry details my first break in of my parents liquor cabinet, because I was bored and depressed. I also considered, for the first time, taking the car while my parents were asleep. Mind you I had no license…..)
January 20, 1986
Ashley was at the meeting yesterday. I guess she married some guy who really isn’t “approved.” He’s not baptized and he has a “bad attitude.” They snuck off and got married. A pretty big deal. After all, she is only 16. I’M 16. If she can do it, I can do it. I would like to talk to her, even thought I’m really not supposed to.
Do you realize how many of the kids I know in the Truth who are in trouble?
I’m really thinking about this because Mom told me something today that really threw me. She said Sean is disfellowshipped. Sean! My Sean! My first love! Although I haven’t really had a conversation with him in three years he has a special place in my memory…….I’m sorry but God can’t expect me to just forget he ever lived. It’s been ages since I’ve seen him, but I remember his personality. I remember listening to him talk and thinking,. “This guy is really special!” He really is too. Boy, he is a thinker. I am dieing to know what happened. Nosey! The last thing I heard was that he was engaged…………………………….I would like to talk to him. I could write him a letter. Naw, no good. I wish we hadn’t lost contact. I need someone to talk to..
Sally was ‘disassociated” a while back. Couldn’t take her home life. Ran off. She and her brother went to L.A. to see their Dad for the first time. I can’t imagine that. She has it so bad—I really feel sorry for her. I wish I could talk to these people.
Really what have I got to complain about when these people have fathers who periodically attempt to kill their mother and starve the children---I guess Sean and Ashley and I haven’t got much on that, but there’s something very wrong. My life sucks. I feel absolutely lost. (have you seen me??)
Maybe if I gave it up, I could do something. I mean maybe I could make myself happy. I’m not happy now, in the Truth. I find I love many people here and enjoy them, but they are never there when I need them. Tanya (worldly friend) is there. She is there when I’m having a hard time………….except for Michelle. She is very important to me and if I do stay in the truth, you may give most, if not all, the credit to her, because other than her, nothing ties me to it anymore. I feel sadly indifferent and very skeptical. I find it hard to believe God’s PLAN is for so many people to suffer—so many confused and unhappy because they don’t understand—so many mislead. I figure, hey, he is GOD, right? He can find a way around all of this pain. If not, then why believe? What if it all just happens again? More pain? It just does not make sense to me. I think perhaps there is a God , but I think man may have made and error in interpreting Him.
But they say it wasn’t God’s plan for man to suffer. Adam sinned—THAT’S why we all suffer. We don’t all have to! Why should we be responsible for a very inexperienced and very young man’s mistake? If someone needs to be punished, it’s him, not his children. If there was an issue to settle, I’m sure GOD could handle it without making us all go through hell on earth. It’s not fair to do that, then ask for complete, selfless devotion. That leaves people 80 to 90 years of nothing but self denial and the pains a life comes with. It makes no sense!
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Thanks for reading, thats all for now!
LisaBObeesa