((((((indireneed))))))
I was just going to glibly reply to QuietOne that MY children were raised with only the Mom in "the Truth" and the Dad hating the arrogance of the organization, and NONE of them are JWs. Happy ending to story.
But, of course, it wasn't that easy.
I DO feel that my being a strong JW estranged my children from their father and put a big hole in our marriage. We could no longer really talk about the things that were important to us, because so much of what I had put as a priority in my life was just a bunch of crap from that damn religion to him. He threatened to divorce me when I told him I was going to be baptized (and invited him to the baptism). I cried at my baptism, because he WOULDN'T come, and I wanted him there for such a monumental event in my life. He used to destroy my literature if he found it left out. He nearly blew a gasket when one of our daughters told him that if he wasn't on God's side he was on Satan's (a phrase which NEVER came out of MY mouth, I assure you, but a deduction she had already made at about age 4!!!).
Early on, he forbade the children to attend the Memorial with me -- which made the entire ONE special event I was allowed to enjoy joyless and heart-wrenching. I could barely get through the meeting.
He insisted our children attend parochial schools, again, making me cry to an elder friend who told me not to worry, the public schools were undisciplined and surely the light of Jehovah's truth would contrast sharply with the false religion they would be exposed to if I just 'kept on doing what I was doing': hauling them to meetings, forcing them to sit through family Bible studies which, frankly, frustrated me no end because they acted up not wanting to be there, but which I felt to be my godly duty to conduct! They only thing they enjoyed was field service (socializing -- not the doors!) and congregation picnics and parties. The older they got, the less they enjoyed field service.
QuietOne, I "played" the headship card to my benefit as the children got older.
There actually WERE things which my husband forbade the children to do: NO meetings on school nights. Period. Until they got older and were permitted to attend the book study because it ended earlier. The children never joined the Ministry School as a result. Of course, by the time they were old enough to attend the book study, they were within their rights to refuse to go, and I wasn't allowed to 'make them'.
But I used the 'headship' principle so that my children could do things that were forbidden to other Witness kids. They played YMCA baseball and softball. They played in a community soccer league which had games on Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons and practices on Tues. and Thursdays depending on the coach's schedule.
They were allowed to participate in school plays and concerts, as long as the subject matter didn't go against their personal consciences (which varied).
The parochial school attendance turned out to be a blessing. While I will always appreciate that their having to refuse to participate in certain activities taught them how to stand up for their beliefs (and I did permit them to use their consciences here, too, as they progressively 'made the truth their own' - ha!ha!), seeing good things being done for and happening to others who claimed to be God's people made them tolerant as well. And for me it was also an eye-opener. Raised a Protestant, I distrusted those papists! LOL But I saw so much kindness, charity, and faith in action that I forgave them their Mariolatry and foolish belief in the intercessory prayers of the dead.
Because I was a 'strong' Spiritual Widow, we were invited to elders' homes and private parties, so my kids didn't feel like outcasts until the girls reached puberty, when all of a sudden they became 'temptations' instead of people. This hurt them, AND ME, a lot!
Finally, my eldest declined to come to the meetings any longer. She was no longer sure what she believed -- except in herself! -- and couldn't see a marked difference between what she was being taught in school and what I had taught her as a Witness. And she had questions for God. The universal ones which Witness doctrines really don't answer in a satisfying way. The ones which I didn't ask myself until much later...
The other children followed suit. They attended meetings with me sporadically out of pity or guilt (which I am ashamed to say I fostered so I could have some company and not be thought badly of).
They respected me enough to attend the Memorial with me for a couple of years, but when we had our own 'Memorial' at home last spring with other ex-JWs, my eldest again declined to participate. No more fakery for her. And I didn't mind... at least not very much.
My poor husband endured much. During my 11+ years of JWdom, he had to carry on Christmas and other holiday traditions on his own. I never prevented him. (I secretly longed to join him!!! and even DID help the poor guy wrap presents several years back because it was getting to be time for the kids to wake up and he wasn't half done!!!) We spent holidays with his family -- Christmas at his parents' home, Fourth of July at the cottage -- and I never refused to cook a turkey for Thanksgiving or refused to watch our children open their presents. I wouldn't buy a birthday cake or eat one, but we always took the kids out to the restaurant of their choice on their birthdays and Dad bought them gifts (which often pleased because MOM had suggested what they might like)!
I look back now and KNOW how very different my children's upbringing was from most Witness children's. I was 'strong' in my beliefs, my preparation, etc., but liberal as to 'fellow-feeling' and 'tender-hearted' towards my children.
I also know that I did my children and husband a grave disservice by causing division in the family.
It's true, indireneed, that it's impossible to be unified when the children have been taught that one course or another is the road to eternal extinction! I think the inherent estrangement could be overcome if the Dad was committed to truly, truly co-parenting the kids. Unfortunately in our case, while my husband feels deeply, he is not good at expressing his love other than by sticking with me (23 years!) and doing his breadwinner duty. He spent far too much time at work and too little getting to know his children. I cannot say enough about men who actually share the shuttling of kids back and forth to their activities and coach or volunteer at school, etc., etc. Seems to me that the kids who are convinced of their parents' love by this kind of drudgery are the happiest and most self-confident. While my children, who had an overinvolved? mother, but a mostly absent father, actually feel he doesn't like them or that they have no reason to like him! It is truly sad.
Since I DA'd myself, we have been trying to make up some lost ground. And we are succeeding to a degree. Still, the religion continues to cause rifts between my husband and I, because I spend time HERE on this board. He just cannot understand how if I'm DONE with the religion, I still need to interact with all of you! He doesn't understand the need for my activism -- thinks I'd be helping more by going to a soup kitchen or something (actually I think that suggestion was a form of "do something I understand" because, of course, what I DO do, is still tied to that 'sick cult'). He wants me liberated, and I am still in various stages of mourning. And, having always refused to hear ANYTHING about the JW faith or the people I knew and was friends with, he cannot relate to the depth of my feeling or understand my horror and disappointment now.
So, indireneed, I feel you have reasoned correctly. And I think your reasoning applies to ANY inter-faith marriage, but especially to JWdom. Which is why it is very important for young people to discuss how they will raise their children BEFORE tying the knot. Diverse religious beliefs are an ENORMOUS hurdle to overcome, and perhaps not the best foundation for a happy family life.
I am sorry for your personal pain. I'm sure my husband could relate.
Sadly,
outnfree
In dealing with fear, the way out is in -- Sheldon Kopp
