Ex has gone to Convention with my kids

by cyberdyne systems 101 6 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  cyberdyne systems 101

  I dont know why, but this has left me feeling angry.

  It could be that normally I go and pick them up to take them to school on this morning. I think its more than likely that I know they are staying there in a hotel and that part of things will be made fun for my children - not that I have a problem with that, its because its coupled with the knowledge that they will be associating it with going to a JW convention, and all that will be is an indoctrination session and self praise for the society.

  Whilst I think the children will see things from both sides, from me no longer being a JW and living a typical non JW life, and then with their mother (who is a good woman) who is a devoted dub, I think the control techniques and cult thinking and propagander are designed to place mental barriers to which someone like me should be unable to penetrate. Whether in practice that turns out to be so, we'll have to let to time show.

  Its just so frustrating to think someone can be so blinded, and suck up everything thats spouted out from the leaders, and try their very best to bring their children up with that too. There are so many things that can prove that it is false - take for but one example the Generation teaching and its multiple changes, that alone proves that there is nothing faithful or descreet coming out of that supposed slave, 'feeding' the congregation for years on what now amounts to be unedible spiritual untruths. Sure illusion eventually meets up with reality, but what if that is only when someone passes away and the promises prove to be false, they wont even be aware of it! Hopefully it comes a lot sooner. I surely dont want my children to look back and hate their upbringing, its just getting the balance right, cause i'm sure we can all look back with fond memories when we were young JW's, I just hope it isnt too traumatic an experience for them, should they be able to break free of the primary parent's view and wishes.

  Anyone else had these feelings recently?

  CS 101
• 

  fokyc

  I've had this for over 50 years, Twickenham, Cardiff, Wembley, Plymouth, Malta and many others.

  My kids won't even speak to me now, they are out of the Borg but my wifes still in.

  I think they blame me for allowing her to take them, I tried both ways, neither worked.

  I can't offer any relevant advice.

  fokyc
• 

  WTWizard

  That really puts one in a pickle. You want the children to have fun, but you do not want them to associate the Grand Boasting Session with a good time. First, those Grand Boasting Sessions have a highly dangerous message that just about bans anything fun. They will be learning something that is false. They as good as ban children from college when they grow up (they used to just frown highly on it), meaning a life of stagnation. And they encourage them to spread the cancer.

  Too bad one couldn't exercise the option of giving the children the good times and fun, without the Grand Boasting Session. This is the problem when a believing spouse takes the children with them to these wastefests, leaving the unblinded spouse nothing to stop them. And when school is still in session, even the last day! Bad enough they miss out on the holidays, but the last day of school can also be fun without causing the conflicts that the holidays carry. Too bad the Washtowel Slaveholdery wants to remove every vestige of fun out of people's lives while creating the illusion of providing fun.
• 

  Babylon the Great Employee

  Remember that any religion, when taken to an extreme, is dangerous. The JW's don't have a monopoly on hypocrisy, brainwashing or indoctrinization, they just do it extremely well! There are variations in growing up JW, depending whether the child believes or not, and how deeply the parents believe. Not getting to have a normal childhood because of all the restrictions is one thing, but growing up brainwashed is another altogether. Or the likely medium, struggling between knowing in your heart what is right, and trying to reconcile that with what you've been taught. While some never question, most do. And whether they are supported in their quest for independent thinking makes a big difference.

  I think if you make an effort to engage your children in dialog when they come back from the convention, it will help a lot. Ask them what they heard, and if there are any questions they have. Talk to them about God, about what they think God wants. Do they think that God will destroy their dad because he doesn't go to the meetings? Do they think a loving God would do that? Those are all the things I thought about as a kid: Why would a loving God kill my friends at school? My teachers? My aunt who's DF'd? When you find yourself unable to believe that basic tenet of the faith, the rest comes unraveled. Let them know that it's okay not to believe, they have a choice in what to believe or not believe, and continue to reinforce that just because their mom (or dad) believes something, that doesn't mean they have to. But also let them know that they should respect their mom's beliefs, even when they disagree. She has a right to her beliefs, as do all people, but no one has the right to force others to believe or worship a certain way. These are all wonderful lessons you can share with your children, that will make them better, tolerant people. You have the opportunity to turn a bad situation into a good one, while at the same time cultivating your relationship with them and encouraging them to maintain a good relationship with their mother.

  While you can't keep them from the meetings and conventions, you can provide them with a safe haven where they can think for themselves, draw their own conclusions, and be independent. Most likely, if they grow up with good critical thinking skills, they won't grow up wanting a career at Bethel. While they're with you, just make sure they have a normal life. Extracurricular activities, spending time with friends from school, doing stuff normal kids do like sports. Let them dream about their futures, in careers and lives that the JW's would never allow. Keep preparing them for life as normal adults in the real world. Even though they won't have that 100% of the time, they'll grow up with some normalcy, and that will prevent them from resenting you.

  I resented my parents not for raising me JW, because that was their belief, but rather I resented them for not allowing me to make my own choices and encouraging me to think for myself.
• 

  LovesDubs

  The best defense is a good offense. By being involved in this board you can keep up with what the JWs believe, what they are spouting and inculcating to your kids. When I left in 97 my kids were 9, 6 and 2. The oldest two raised going to the hall and to meetings. As time progressed, Dad wanted to continue to take them and he got a lot of that "poor Brother H with the apostate wife, trying SOOO hard to raise his three kids in the truth alone!" kind of attention. They were even inviting him to go on JW Singles Weekends! And yes they were trying to break our marriage up! So instead of railing against the JWs...they look weird and controlling enough on their own...I just kept a steady flow of what I believed aimed at the kids, and asking tons of questions about what they believed. I also got them involved with different local churches here who had Summer Bible School programs and they got to experience how the bible and god were taught at CHILD APPROPRIATE LEVELS at other churches, and that other kids and other religious beliefs were NOT evil. My mantra to them has always been "you are NO BETTER than any other person on this planet! As soon as you start to judge another...you bring yourself DOWN. As soon as you say your beliefs are more important or better or neccessary for someone elses salvation, you have overstepped and elevated yourself." And my daughter who is now 17 said to me the other day, "Mom I love everybody and I have no prejudices...and its because you have always taught me that. Thank you!" And she hugged me. I tell you what...that was an amazing moment. It CAN be done!

  The JWs will shoot themselves in the foot in the long run. And as for the motel ...take them yourself...a Holidome someplace with a pool and kid activities and NO STRINGS ATTACHED where they can have fun ALL day and be kids not forced to sit for ungodly lengths of time and forced to listen to ADULT speeches in order to EARN being there.

  Steady and opposite pressure my friend. Dont get crazy about it because mom will use that as proof that dad is with Satan.

  LD
• 

  milligal

  You don't even know how much I have been feeling the same thing. My child now lives with his JW dad after the first deven years with me. I handed over custody voluntarily-well sort of voluntarily, I was basically harassed, followed and taken to court once a month until I ran out of money and resources anyway....

  My son just came down for summer visitation and he is being such a little borg. Not his fault; and we expected it, but how disapointing everytime they return from the witness ex's to be so judgemental and holier than thou. It makes me angry, because I constantly have to figure out how much of it is being a kid and how much of it is from the brainwashing. My son always becomes balanced again, but it takes so much effort and skill (in a way) to help him adjust to normal life again.

  I feel your pain....
• 

  reneeisorym

  I just wanted to say that I don't know how you do it. I know you just have to do it ... But I think I would be ready to pull my hair out if I were in your situation. You are very strong to be holding it together.