I was seeing a guy for a few months, both of our first ever 'real' relationships. It was very special and we were very close, but when it came to intimacy I was very uncomfortable. I was studying the bible with JWs and seriously considering joining the, ahem, 'religion'. I knew I'd have to tell him I couldn't have sex until I was married. At the time I knew I didn't sincerely want that, but there was no way I could have that kind of relationship and be involved with the JWs at the same time. I also wasn't in any way ready for that level of intimacy just yet. I just kind of wanted a way of making sure that side of the relationship was put on the back burner. So instead of messing him around, I straight out told him I couldn't have sex until I got married. Extreme, I know, and you have no idea how much I regret being so blunt. So he ended it with me, as is perfectly acceptable, and as I expected he might. He said he couldn't wait that long for someone whos beliefs he didn't share, but he'd never felt that way about anyone, yada yada. We agreed to stay friends, but that didn't work out as it's clear we both still have strong feelings, but can't be together, for that one reason. And friendships can't exist in that environment. Fast forward 9 months and I no longer have anything to do with JWs. I don't have the same extreme feelings I had towards sex. I certainly don't want to wait until I'm married, just until I find someone I love that much, the 'right' person, whatever that means. I'm still absolutely crazy about him though. I just don't know what I should do about it. I'm not the kind to ever beg someone to get back with me. Do I make it known my feelings on the subject have chaged and see what he does about it, or do I cut my losses and move on? He DID break up with me for that one reason alone, but I know he's a good person and to be honest I think it's perfectly reasonable to break up with someone who wants such an extremely different thing to you. Now that our ideals are more in synch, perhaps the relationship would work out this time. Or perhaps I should write it off completely and find someone I don't have a complicated history with. I have no idea, and the whole thing is consuming so much of my thought. I'd appreciate some opinions from other people maybe.
Help? Advice?
by Lo 4 Replies latest social relationships
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AudeSapere
As I've gotten older, I find that I no longer have the high ideals that I used to have regarding many things. Sex included.
While sex is an important part of a relationship, it's not necessarily the most important part.
However, waiting until marriage, in my opinion, is dangerous. I've dated guys that I had great intellectual and emotional chemistry with - but disappointing sex. I've had great sex with people that I know I will never live with, let alone marry.
I can't imagine marrying someone and THEN finding out that the sex was unfulfilling. What a mess that would be.
Regarding the old boyfriend or finding a new one. Tough call. I have no recommendations for you but I'm sure someone will come along.
Realize that it's highly unlikely (statistically) that the person you chose this time will still be with you 10/20/30 years from now. Maybe talk to the friend and see what he has to say. He may have already moved on. Maybe not.
Do know this, though. There are many, many guys out there for you to meet. And some are probably pretty great themselves.
-Aude.
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jamiebowers
Contact him and tell him that your thoughts on religion have changed and then ask if he is unattached. If you get together with him or anyone else for that matter, use protection against disease and preganancy. You both sound like pretty mature young people. Just take it slow, and only have sex when it is right for you.
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OnTheWayOut
You may be concerned that he dumped you when he found out he wasn't getting any of that.
To be fair, you said he wasn't getting any of that from you unless he married you. Even it that's
not what was said exactly, that's his take on it. He was faced with the huge commitment without
any sampling.If you think he would have waited until you were ready for a sexual relationship, perhaps weeks or
months from the time you spoke with him, instead of going off to the extreme JW point-of-view, then
perhaps you could call him and see about starting a NONSEXUAL relationship that builds up to a
fullblown relationship. If he wants that, you being honest up front, then you might have a beautiful
thing. Be noncommittal on how long it would take to be intimate, but say the right man can win
your heart and your body if he is patient. -
flipper
LO- I agree with Jamie Bowers about getting in contact with your former guy friend and communicating with him about your changed values and seeing if a spark is still there. If he is mature and understanding he will understand . There is no need to feel that you are " begging " to be with him again. You just changed some views you had, that's all. Communication and openess is the greatest skill of all . If he accepts you, then it was meant to be, if he doesn't , then it wouldn't have worked out anyway and look for another guy down the road. Good luck, Peace out, Mr. Flipper