Part 1: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/163998/1.ashx
Part 2: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/164136/1.ashx
Part 3: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/164163/1.ashx
Part 4: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/164402/1.ashx
My Story: Part 5 – The Wilderness Years
The years from 1997 to 1999 were what I refer to as my “wilderness years,” characterized by depression, boredom, hopelessness and having no direction or real goals in life – so much for the happiest people on earth!
Rejected by my peers
In my congregation there were two brothers who were around my age. They would congregate in their cliques at the hall and made it clear to me that I was not welcome in their group. I was always excluded from their social life. What made it worse is that they would invite my younger brother to hang out with them. This continued for quite some time.
Even though I was living in my own place, I still attended my parent’s book study group. These two brothers mentioned above also attended. After the book study was over, the tea and biscuits appeared and the brothers and my brother disappeared to his bedroom where they would hang out and chat.
When I was still living at home, this would be a very awkward time for me. I couldn’t even find solace in my bedroom as I shared it with my brother and his friends would be there. I don’t hold my brother responsible for this – after all, who wants their older sibling around, but these brothers were my age and were deliberately ignoring me. They only said hello to me when I made eye contact with them. There was nothing I could do.
After I got my own place, I soon realized that if I didn’t like it I could always go to another book study and I did, but it wasn’t much better there either.
There was one sister who I considered a friend that I got on well with. She was not raised in the truth but came into it in her mid-twenties. She had a very active life and social life but unfortunately the congregation did not offer her the friendship and encouragement that she needed. Her meeting attendance declined and she became inactive. The rest of the details will remain undisclosed; suffice to say she was eventually disfellowshipped – on my birthday. One thing she did say resonated with me – “you need to get out more” – if only I could.
It later came to my attention that a particularly vicious rumor had been making the rounds in the congregation. It was said that I had a mental illness and this would explain why so many people avoided me. Every person I befriended would in time, mention this rumor and I would have to explain myself to them. If those responsible ever read this, you know who you are and I hope you’re ashamed of yourself because you disgust me.
On the Move
Around mid-1997 my landlady informed me that I had to leave the apartment as a member of her family was moving in. A brother in my hall who let out rooms in his house came to my aid. There was one catch – a disfellowshipped brother was living there. Times were desperate and I had little choice. I moved in two weeks later. Little did I know what future months would bring.
It wasn’t so bad sharing a house with a disfellowshipped person even if they did have to go outside for a smoke. Eventually he moved out and I was alone in the house. A worldly student moved in for a few months but he was forced to leave because he had his girlfriend round. After he was there a couple of weeks, this student asked me: “How come you never go out?” I was at a loss as to what to say to him so I fibbed and told him I go out other times.
I was tired of being ignored in the congregation and stopped going to meetings for three months, with the exception of the book study because as luck would have it, it was the only meeting where I actually felt comfortable. It was as if God had taken all the people who thought well of me and put them in this study group. I must have done something right because I was the sole book reader for the next few years. Unfortunately, I was the only person there under the age of 30.
My landlord was keen on a sister in our congregation and pressured her to marry him, which she did. I remember their wedding well. It lasted for two weeks and he was back again in the house with me. We would often spend hours talking about the truth till the early hours of the morning and occasionally went out for a pint or two. He was a good friend to me but he was a troubled man. He had previously been married prior to becoming a witness and his ex-wife wouldn’t allow him to see their children.
I was also friends with his current wife and when they broke up I found myself between a rock and a hard place. During this difficult time, his wife asked me to retrieve her WT publications which were in his house. I agreed. I waited till my landlord left and went into the attic where his wife’s WT publications were. I used a rope to lower them onto the floor and then I heard the front door open – my landlord had just walked in. My heart must have skipped several beats. I hesitated, not knowing what to do. As quickly as he came he left and I continued my “mission” breathing a sigh of relief.
A Secret Book
One time my landlord’s wife asked me to house-sit for her while she went on vacation for a week, which I agreed to do. One evening when there was nothing to watch on TV, I had a look at her theocratic library. I noticed a bright blue book entitled “Shining as Illuminators” and remembered that she had been a regular pioneer and attended the pioneer school. The only thing I knew about this book was that publishers were forbidden to read it.
I had always been a naturally curious person and I couldn’t resist the urge to open this book. It was a “Garden of Eden” moment. My curiosity got the better of me. I gently removed the book and held it in my hands. It was an “Alice in Wonderland” decision. The book said “Read Me”. I carefully opened it, noting the contents and scribbled notes. It made for fascinating reading. Pioneers were encouraged to have a balanced schedule, good dietary habits and to report to the elders any infractions committed by other members. In later years, my curiosity would lead me to discover other organizational secrets. I put the book away, worrying that I had displeased Jehovah.
I stayed the week there only coming home to collect my mail. One particular day, I tried to open the door but it wouldn’t open. He had nailed a piece of wood over the lock. I managed to get the door open and I was baffled why he did this. Half an hour later he walked in and verbally abused me for “breaking and entering into his home.” I reminded him that I paid him rent on a weekly basis and I had every right to enter. He didn’t like it that I refused to take sides concerning his failed marriage. He then threatened to hit me with the piece of wood he nailed over the door. It was at this time I realized this guy meant business. A brother who used to live in this house before I did experienced similar treatment.
Later on I mentioned what happened to an elder in my congregation and he offered to put me up. I was only there for two weeks before this elder began to verbally abuse me and make nasty comments about members of my family. When I defended myself and my family he told me “that’s twice you’ve pulled me up – I’m giving you a week’s notice to get out of here.” I had a meeting with another elder in the hall who was sympathetic to my plight and offered to speak to this brother. The presiding overseer was called in and I explained my situation to him but he couldn’t care less, simply saying “I had to respect the rules of the house.” I told him I didn’t break any rules and I was only defending myself.
Bear in mind, that I was still serving my week’s notice. After the meeting, I went home and the elder was waiting for me. “Don’t go telling anyone any stories,” he said. “Or what?” I asked. His loving counsel: “If you go round telling people stories, I’ll come round to where you live (more on that in a moment) and show you my other side, the side I had before I came into the truth.”
What a fine, loving shepherd he was - truly one of the “gifts in men,” threatening to come round and physically assault me simply for going to the elders and telling them what happened.
During this time, I was taking driving lessons. On the night that this elder gave me a week’s notice to pack my bags and leave, I had a driving lesson scheduled for that evening. My driving instructor noticed I was miserable and asked me what was wrong. I was too upset to drive. I explained the situation to him. He listened carefully to what I had to say and wanted to help me.
A New Beginning
He offered to put me up in his home – the only thing is I would have to share a bedroom with another lodger, but I was desperate and had no where else to go. It would be a temporary arrangement until I found somewhere more permanent to live. I had never lived with a “worldly person” before and this worried me. I thought about it and then agreed. I had no other choice and there was something about this guy that was genuine. When everyone else had abandoned me, he had come to my aid. True kindness from a relative stranger is rare indeed. He had only been my driving instructor for a few months.
It was agreed that I would move in that weekend. He and his wife were the nicest people I had ever met. When no one else came to my aid, this man, who I barely knew, offered to accommodate me. I will never forget the kindness that he and his wife showed to me and I will always be grateful to them both. They were real people. Never was a truer saying more relevant: “a friend in need is a friend indeed.”
This is where I would spend the next three years of my life...