Essentially speaking

by iloowy 1 Replies latest social humour

• 

  iloowy

  Can you think in essential terms? Give it a try, give vent to your essentialist musings.

  Here's a few Religiously formulated Essentialisms to get started:

  --The WT Society is essentially a re-working of the Catholic church as filtered through the adventist hopes of a pyramidology lover.

  --The Episcopal Church in New Hampshire is essentially a Roman Catholic diocese with protestant trappings out of the closet.

  --The Mormon Gospel is essentially an off-shoot of 18th century tall tales read aloud with a King James accent.

  --The private rooms at Bethel are essentially the only remaining places on Earth where good angels fear to tread.

  --The Amish are essentially Christian baptized Chasidic Jews who prefer the smell a horse's back end to city diesel fumes.

  --Evangelicals are essentially those having eyes but blind and having ears but are deaf to the fire and brimstone of the WT Armageddon
  (since having their own end times to preach about are just as content with the damnation of the whole world).

  --The Greek Orthodox church is essentially the same as the Catholic Church without all the Roman ass-kissing.

  --The Roman Catholic Church is essentially the same as the Orthodox but with less autocephalous ethnocentricity and more patriarchal ass-kissing.

  --The Watch Tower Society's religious views are essentially the same as those of the Bible Students as filtered through the drunken babblings of Rutherford.

  --The Russellite Bible Students of today are essentially the same as the Watch Tower of yesteryear but more hip, and internet connected.

  --The Branch Davidians are essentially Seventh Day Adventists who were willing to die for a cultish idol.

  --The Chuch of God Armstrong essentially strong armed Christians with second hand Watch Tower teachings and a sprinkling of Anglican superstitions.

  --Watch Tower Bethel is essentially a cloister of modern day medieval monks with the mentality to match.

  --Watch Tower lawyers are essentially nephilim, except shorter and without the angelic pedigree.

  --Watch Tower appointed elders are essentially the Theo-Nazi thought-police of JWhood-dom

  --Watch Tower Circuit Overseers are essentially Theo-Nazi Gestapo officers with strict orders to follow.

  --Watch Tower District Overseers are essentially Theo-Nazi Gestapo officers with an ax to grind and special recognition hack away.

  --Watch Tower Governing Body members are essentially Theo-Nazi oligarchs who caroused themselves to the top over other Theo-Nazi Gestapo riff-raff.

  --Judge Rutherford was essentially a Catholic Cardinal but without the Roman tradition and too sauced into hubris to put himself below the Pope.

  --Pastor Russell was essentially a businessman gone awfully wrong into religion while selling ideas without insurance.

  --Joseph Smith was essentially abducted by aliens outside their time continuum for taboo experimentations but returned as defective goods.

  --Calvin was essentially a Roman Catholic who wished he could be an angel and a demon he became.

  --Joe Tkach Senior was essentially an evangelical in Armstrong's clothing, including his underpants and socks which he tried to air out.

  --Joe Tkach Junior was essentially a clone of his father except not as pious and with a sad cognitive deficiency.

  --The medical staff at Watch Tower Bethel are essentially blood-less suckers.

  Can you think of some others??? G'ahead, give it a shot!
• 

  iloowy

  Here's a few webgrown essentialist statements about the English language:

  --Midwestern US English is essentially New England English with their sinuses filled with ice.

  --American English is essentially the language that everyone understands if you speak it loudly and slowly enough.

  --Broken English is the language of international trade.

  --Pig Latin is essentially eulological English as spoken by Latin professors with Tourette's syndrome.

  --Basic English is essentially Rapping, but censored and without the beat.

  --American English is essentially a tool to keep a person from ever being able to speak another language.

  --Australian is essentially a dialect of English as spoken by hungry Europeans pursuing a kangaroo dinner.

  --Australian English is essentially Cockney without the refinement.

  --American English is essentially English after having been wiped off with a dirty sponge.

  --American English is essentially British English without the redundancies, including the monarchy.

  --Today's British English is what today's American English would have become if Americans hadn't had any fun either.

  --American English is essentially your Queen's English as bastardized by colonists, or is it as colonized by bastards?

  --American English is essentially British English without the funny accent. [Or is that Canadian English?]

  --American English is essentially Irish English as spoken by non-native speakers.

  --The Queen's English is essentially Modern Anglo-Saxon as passed on by generation after generation of stiff necked Norman nobles with their noses in the air.

  --Texan English is essentially Spanish as spoken by drunken American rebels.

  --Yankee is essentially 18th Century English as altered by the impure thoughts of Puritans with cabin fever.

  --Jamaican is essentially an African dialect with enough mispronounced English to be able to buy ganja and sing reggae.

  --Scots is essentially English, only funnier.

  --Scots is essentially English as spoken by Robert Burns.

  --Scots is essentially English spoken as Dutch by a Dane.

  --South Philadelphian is essentially Italian with the final syllables dropped off.

  --Southern US English is essentially English without monophthongs.

  --Yo! Ebonics is essentially Welfarese processed through a grant-seeking processor akin to a guitarist's distortion box in the hands of the psychotropic educrats, homies.

  --Ebonics essentially is the speech of hoods in the 'hood.

  --King James English is essentially the language that many Americans think Jesus spoke. "If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"

  --Psycho-babble is essentially Minbari spoken by seekers of tax-funded grants, power-hungry psycho-totalitarians, counsellors or other unemployables while wearing a too-tight tiara.

  --Galach is essentially Anglo-Slavic run through Grimm's Law and baked on the desert of Arrakis until well-dune.

  --Governmentese is essentially a branch of spoken and written English designed to say nothing with as many words as possible hoping that the nothing is lost in the translation.

  --Old English is essentially mispronounced Modern English spoken while wearing armor and carrying a roundshield and sword.

  --Yeshivish is essentially English spoken by people who think they're speaking Yiddish.

  --American English essentially is not English and is not American either.

  --Southern US English is essentially Irish English spoken through moonshine and whiskey instead of stout and ale.

  --San Diegan is essentially Iowan as spoken by people living in a geographically interesting location.

  --Surfer Speak is essentially Iowan as spoken by people who are perpetually stoned.

  --American grammar is essentially not essential

  --Canadian English is essentially Mid-West American English with a lot of eh's.

  --American English is essentially the language nobody speaks well, but everybody seems to understand.