Not sure of this is the right place to post this, but I needed to get it out of my chest. So I'm having issues at work and I'm seriously considering quitting, which means I have to start rewriting my CV. I am so sick of that. I wish I could rewrite it saying what I really think. It has always been such a pain to polish crappy experiences up so that recruiters don't get offended. Today I sat down and surprisingly, I wrote my CV in a record space of time. I was amazed at how easily everything was flowing....
So do you think I should send this off to prospective employers? I could not get worse responses than I'm getting with my proper CV... and have you felt tempted to do the same??
MY NAME
Address: I don’t actually want
employers to have my address. I don’t have theirs.
Phone: my mobile, where I never answer calls from employers
Email: no thanks. Please call my mobile, where I will never answer your call
To stop working for incompetent imbeciles who are where they are because of their parents’ money and/or connections, random, undeserved and/or unfair life chances, and the shitty class system in general.
To stop writing ludicrous CVs to convince you that I can do the job better than you
To go home after eight hours of labour and feel that what I did all day was actually useful
To look at my payslip at the end of each month and think that money was deservedly earned
QUALIFICATIONS
I have an excellent degree from a university in your country, which falls within the top ten university ranking list bullshit. I did this partly because I was told that it would open many doors and would allow me to have a better quality of life. This was a lie. I also did my degree because I loved what I was learning, but this makes no difference to my employment prospects.
I tried to get a better qualification because nowadays everyone’s got a degree -although not everyone has a degree LIKE MINE- so I started a Masters which I had to quit after 4 months because I was being bullied and underpaid by my employer, so those weren’t the best circumstances to get more useless qualifications.
I tried to get another post grad qualification but this didn’t work either, because the only job I could consider to support myself was selling bras, for the minimum wage, 6 days per week, so it was not practical.
So basically, I’ve only got a first class degree.
EMPLOYMENT
(Please note that any gaps in employment are due to the fact that prospective employers like you spent the day thinking whether I was overqualified or underqualified for the job, and then decided not to give me the job, so sometimes it took me a while to find work in the middle of all those unjustified assumptions)
When I was 15 - Babysitter, cleaner and personal slave of a doctor in Spain Main duties included removing pigeons’ poo from the balcony, cleaning up spoiled brats’ dirt, and wiping the baby’s vomit. But I understand that I had no qualifications at the time.
On and off- Handywoman with my father I learnt a lot about plumbing, tiling and building, but I have forgotten it now. I particularly enjoyed destroying walls and chucking all the debris in refuse sacks, while thinking about the doctor I used to work for. Also, I did all this without getting paid.
Later on - Receptionist at a morgue (Spain) I dealt with relatives of people who’d just died, sold them the most expensive funerary package they could afford, and answered calls from the terminally ill patients’ ward. I also ate lunch in the toilets because I wasn’t allowed anywhere else.
At the same time - The same agency gave me a job as trilingual receptionist (Spain) I never had the chance to use more than one language and spent most of the time online and listening to employees say how much they hated the boss. It was boring.
A few months later - Administrator for the cycling federation (Spain) Whoa! I thought this was the job of my life because I love cycling, but the boss’ son harassed me -well not only me- One of my responsibilities was to update the institution’s website, but the information I needed never arrived because of mismanagement skills on my bosses’ side, so it was quite frustrating.
At some point - Sports Journalist (local T.V. and magazines) I really liked this job. But they never paid me, and if my parents had found out that I was doing that kind of job, they’d had killed me. So I quitted.
When I was 17 or 18 - I packed my bags and came to this country. I was a waitress for a 4 star hotel. Main duties included trying not to get eaten by rats in the accommodation provided by the hotel, steal as much food as I could, and serve food and drinks to subjectively superior humans. I also acted as a romantic messenger between the cook and one of the waitresses, and this served to improve my English. I also developed my analytical skills by realising that foreign staff were paid less than the minimum wage. Trying to show some initiative, I reported this to the authorities. And then quitted.
Back in Spain - I wandered around trying to find a decent job I still had no qualifications but hey, I was fluent in English.
Still in Spain - I did not find decent work. I was a door-to-door bookseller for a week, a hospital cleaner for a month, and did the odd office job. During this time my ability to think realistically improved dramatically. I learnt that our taxes don’t go to maintaining hospitals clean and that more skills do not necessarily mean a better job.
Finally - I found a stable job as a Broker’s Assistant and Bilingual Receptionist (Spain) The pay was surprisingly good and at least I got to use some languages I knew. I gained business savvy by realising that you must not request holidays, but rather wait for your boss to tell you when you are allowed to take time off, otherwise you will be bullied until you quit. Main duty was to file uncountable paperwork which always got lost or thrown in the bin by someone else, and then take the blame for it. The rest of the time I efficiently used internet chat rooms, so efficiently that I got a boyfriend.
When I was 19 or 20 - Waitress again and some office work (Spain) Particularly in the waitressing job, I had to develop diplomatic skills and prevent the cook from fighting with his wife, who was the head waitress, in front of customers. My ability to think realistically improved further when I met an Argentinian nurse who was working as a dish washer, and an uneducated middle aged woman who had more money than she could spend because she married a rich guy. The uneducated woman had never worked in her life, yet she tried to give me lessons in what a good worker consists of. This helped me develop sucker skills.
From age 21 to 25 - Waitress in a family restaurant and KFC person (U.K.) I was also bullied at the family restaurant. The owner did not like foreigners and claimed he didn’t understand a word I was saying. It was his wife who had hired me, so trying to prevent a crisis in their marriage, I quitted. At KFC I did a good job working over 50 hours per week and never missing a shift, even when I had legitimate reasons to do so. So I was promoted to team leader. This allowed me to develop supervisory and management skills, so during my shifts I imposed my own rules and scrapped the idiotic company’s rules. People liked me and that helped create a positive working environment. And the company didn’t lose any money either, even though people were treated with dignity! I was accused twice of stealing from the company, which, regardless of the truthfulness of the claim, was not supported by any proof. Later on, the company refused to sack an incompetent who repeatedly compromised health and safety regulations, so there was an accident and I got my face and neck burned with cooking oil. I sued them and got £7000 out of their filthy wallets. HA!
When I was 25 or 26 - Moved to London to pursue the ‘further education chimera’. It took me months to find a job where I was treated derogatorily. When I found it, they didn’t pay me. I was a waitress at a steak house, Starbucks employee, and many other things. I learnt the amazing skill of swallowing your tears and biting your tongue at the same time, something that has proven very useful in my career, but not very good for my psychology. I also trained with a rail company to be a ticket seller. I only trained because they insisted in showing me how to use a keyboard, and because they expected me to start work at 4.30am, in the worst area of Hackney, for less than £12,000 per year. While enduring all this I developed my fine writing skills even further, and wrote a book about the lies we’re told and the problems of meritocracies. I have been asked to publish it, but every time I read it, it makes me wanna kill someone (someone specific I mean).
After all that - Moved back to Spain, where I worked as Assistant Office Manager at a business centre. Please do not be misled by the title. Main duties included selling inexistent facilities to customers, calling the internet provider when big firms were disconnected (so, every day), serving tea and coffee to people who could not do it by themselves despite not being disabled, and generally covering the company’s ass, as and when required. I sprained my ankle and couldn’t work for a couple of months, so they sacked me. This was the best thing that has ever happened to me, as the law forced them to pay me even though I was not working anymore! This helped me improve my trust in the Spanish legal system.
Last year to present - Moved back to the U.K. for the purposes stated in the “Qualifications” section. I was employed as a health support worker in a private eye clinic. You must remember that I now had a degree and considerable work experience! My skills and experience were used to clean floors in the surgical area, cover up for the surgeon’s cock ups, provide the surgeon with tea and coffee on request, and other skilled tasks such as licking stamps and sticking them to envelopes, getting the surgeon’s bag out of the car and carrying it into his room, and going to the bank to pay his cheques in. I learnt a few things about eyes but what was the point, if I wasn’t even allowed to give a tissue to a patient without being told off. I must admit that tongue-biting and tear-swallowing skills came in handy in my daily routine. You can never be good enough at that!
OTHER SKILLS
I’ve got many but you are not interested because I have an accent and because I write this type of stuff.
References can be provided on request; they can be fake or real depending on your worthiness and my mood.
I hope you enjoyed reading through my CV, learnt a few things about the real world, and I hope I never end up working for you.
And now, FUCK OFF.
My real CV - have I wasted my time during the past 13 years?
by never too late to be myseld 5 Replies latest jw experiences
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never too late to be myseld
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144001
You're hired!
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never too late to be myseld
Haha, thanks!
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Sad emo
perhaps you should put some work into working out your issues...
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sass_my_frass
Your CV is more likely to get you hired than mine.
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Hortensia
you gave me a good laugh - about not publishing your book because every time you read it you want to kill someone (someone specific) Who doesn't feel like that some times?