Hey Steph aka WW....
I too had a rough relationship with my Mom... She had sooo many problems, and in hindsight she just didn't get the push she needed to go get help for herself... I used to hate my mom and feel guilty for hating her.. What I realize now is that I hated how she acted. My Mom acted the way she did for reasons... she was a very insecure woman, had never led the life that she wanted, she always seemed to settle for second best, and she really hated that... she never learned to cope with her real problems and other problems set in because of that... she drank, a lot, she took many different kinds of medication... and she was sooo depressed.... After she died I found out about some of the things that had happened to her, she had never told her kids.... her mother died in my mothers tender years... apparently it was a terrible death, her father had an affair while the mother was sick and one week after she died he moved in with his lover....and took every belonging of grandma's with him.... he basically abandoned my mother.... my mother married at 16 to a terrible man, he walked out on her and her young son.... somewhere in my mother's history, someone abused her sexually... it affected her whole perception of herself... and she was unable to make herself happy....
All this and so much more... she had a miserable life, and was miserable almost every day of her life, she even tried therapy, but it was too hard for her to face those realities, and that she may have been part of the problem.... Mom couldn't handle that...
During all of this she had four kids... and I can tell you it was tough for us... but unfortunately too late for my mom and I, the information came too late..., but I can understand where my mom was coming from... I knew she was in pain and people in pain lash out.... it wasn't that she meant to, it was just what she knew to do... she had no other skills in the matter... unfortunately, she died before we could really make peace, but there was one moment, one tiny occurence, a phone call when she was in the middle of therapy, and she apologized for everything... told me she really did love me... and that I wasn't as bad as she always let on.... it was the only lucid moment I had with her, it lasted an hour, just one, and then everything went back to "normal". My mother passed away a few years back, and that moment comforts me to this day...
My point is, you won't be able to change your mother's attitude... only she can do that... and not having a relationship with her will only end up making you feel bad... I know that you feel you have good reason for the way you react to her... and in many ways you do... but I can tell you from experience that the challenge and the reward comes when you try to understand why your mom is the way she is... it's too late to find it out when she's gone... now that I know what I know about my mom, I wish I could ask her about them... let her know I understand a few more things now... and offer the opportunity for a better relationship... but I can't do that now... and it leaves a void no matter what my excuses at the time for not persuing it...
I normally don't go around walking around in my underwear like this...:D but I thought another perspective may help you out...
I wish you well in these endeavors, it is one of the most challenging lessons in life... dealing with our parents.... but they have taught us good lessons, even if learning them was painful.... My mom had lots of problems, she worked from a deficit of skills and experience in her own life about how to be a good parent... and I spent a lot of time blaming her for it. In the end I wish things were different, not so much about her, but how I handled it.... I still miss her....
Hope this helps
Inq :)
