My 3-Year JWD Anniversary

daniel-p

So I logged into JWD today and saw that I'm on my 3-year anniversary of membership. It's been a big 3 years--the biggest three years of my life. Here's a few reflections I'd like to share with you:

My doubts had came to a head BEFORE I searched about JWs on the Internet. I became deeply disturbed about the false logic and misrepresentation of facts in the Society's literature, especially regarding college. I was in college at the time (a first-generation student), and viewed it as my job--as a means to an end. However, that big Watchtower article on education in 2005 came out and blew me away. Their argumentation was unbelievable. I could not keep my disquiet to myself, and I shared my honest confusion with a fellow ministerial servant and my wife. Because I could so easily see through their logic with this matter, other matters suddenly became suspect.

Those were hard times. I tried to express these things to my wife, as my world was crashing down, but she didn't want to hear it. I remember walking back from our book study and mentioning something about the study that bothered me. She snapped and said "so now what, are you an apostate or something?" I accepted then that I'd be going through it alone, and that I wouldn't be able to express the disillusion was going through. This was the beginning of our growing-apart period.

Soon after this, I was on JWD and aware of the most egregious sins of the Watchtower. I was done. Everything after that was a delicate dance I performed to break it to my wife and remove myself from the dailyness of being a JW. I remember the evening when I sat on the couch at home, not getting ready for the meeting. I hadn't gone to a meeting in weeks. My wife asked: "So are you going? Are you going to anymore meetings? Just tell me." I answered no, that I had no intention of going to any more, and she stormed out in anger.

This is just my side of the story, but since those days I've become more aware of how hard it was for her during that time. Every meeting she went to they asked her where I was. No one seemed to care about her or the fact that she kept coming faithfully, except for a nice elder and a younger man her age who she developed a "crush" on. For the next year she carried these feelings with her: coming to realize I wasn't going to serve Jehovah with her, that going to far-away lands and preaching the good news was forever out of her reach, and all the qualities this other man had that I did not. I represented her trap, her disappointment, and now she was just damaged goods if she ever wanted to marry again. She thought of how much her future had changed, that now I was out of the truth I wasn't going to survive Armageddon and that she would have to start her life over again once she got into the New System. Also, she wondered if her chances of getting in the New System were now strained; in essence, would she have a better chance at surviving if we divorced?

I don't have any animosity towards her for thinking these things. I accept them as necessary questions in her situation, due to her faith. Sure, they broke my heart, but my heart would willingly break for her again. Since then, and since her crush on this other brother came to light, we've moved on and have grown closer than ever before. She sees having let her heart stray as a reflection of her strained household and marriage, an emotional replacement for the dreams she thought I dashed with my unfaithfulness to her God, Jehovah. We ran through many heart-wrenching scenarios, but neither of us ever had the will to leave the other.

Now, our days are spent going on off in our separate directions--me to work, her to school--just so we can come back together. The Watchtower Society is the tiniest fissure between us, whereas before it was a nearly-uncrossable chasm. We have dreams again, goals, and a shared, clear vision of our future. If she occasionally ponders her life in the New System, that's between her and her God. But for now, I'm completely happy to share my earthly life with her; we often speak of growing old together.

My family knows I'm inactive. I stepped down as a ministerial servant as soon as I could after I stopped attending meetings, and news travels fast when you have a domineering mother who will stop at nothing to get the information she wants. What keeps me from telling the world I no longer believe in the Watchtower Society is simply not wanting to hurt my mother, and also wanting to retain my relationship with my in-laws, who I consider my adopted family. I doubt they (the latter party) would shun me, but I have no doubt my mother would. She's fire and brimstone, and I fear that my disassociating would lead to her having a nervous breakdown. I know as well as anyone that I'm not responsible for the actions of neurotic individuals, but when your own mother is involved, you find yourself making concessions to keep the peace.

I'm still in school, pursuing a graduate degree in political science, and working full time as a professional in my undergraduate field. I haven't been to a meeting in probably a year, although I did go to the last Memorial. I know someday it'll come out that I no longer believe a word the "faithful and discreet slave" says, but hope my actions will simply speak for themselves in this matter.

Many of you have read my memoir, Nothing But The Blood, in which I recorded my life events. I'm still working on this, and have a couple more chapters on the way. It's been a long process finishing it, mostly because it takes a tremendous amount of emotional energy to relive everything over again. In the meantime I've started a few other writing projects--fictional--and am thinking of applying to schools for an MFA in writing when we're done with our goals here. It's pie-in-the-sky, but being a productive writer is my biggest dream, and after all I've been through (even at my young age), I think I owe it to myself to pursue it. As with love and writing, failure is an acceptable risk.

-dp

Amha·aret

Congrats! An anniversary worth celebrating!!

leavingwt

Here's to your first three years of freedom and to many more! Congratulations!

Quirky1

Congrats Daniel-P!

BabaYaga

Daniel said, "The Watchtower Society is the tiniest fissure between us, whereas before it was a nearly-uncrossable chasm. We have dreams again, goals, and a shared, clear vision of our future. If she occasionally ponders her life in the New System, that's between her and her God. But for now, I'm completely happy to share my earthly life with her; we often speak of growing old together."

Daniel, that in itself is amazing. How you two got through that I will never know. Perhaps... perhaps...

Love and congrats to you,
Baba.

Mickey mouse

Congratulations and thanks for the update.

Your experiences with your wife give me hope in my marriage. Telling my husband I no longer believed was the worst period we've been through but we are finding a way through.

daniel-p

Thanks, Baba.

Mickey: It's tough, and the most draining and discouraging thing Ive ever been through, but in this case rewarding beyond measure. I consider myself a lucky man, in at least three ways.

Doubting Bro

Cheers bro! Its great to see your situation turn out the way it has. Too often, this cult ends up destroying marriages.

SnakesInTheTower

congrats daniel-p

i too would just like everyone to know I am done and what a bunch of liars the boys in brooklyn are..but like you, my mom is still a long term believer (38 years)....she wasnt raised in it, but essentially her adult life has been consumed with being a dub...

Snakes ()

ps...it is stories like this I will miss when JWD closes to active posting. Even now, I hate that there is no way for future "daniel-p"s to join into our discussion here. Hopefully there will be another incarnation of JWD that is close to what we have enjoyed here..... never the same..and maybe that is good.

As time goes on, there will be more stories I am certain. Lets hope there is a community for them to come to.

caliber

Daniel-p, congrats on three years "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting." Caliber

My 3-Year JWD Anniversary

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