Having a baby doesn't make you a loving and selfless mother automatically.
Mom had her hang-ups before we were born, Sis. I think she took out all her frustrations and anger on us because she was so mad at life and the hand she was dealt. No one in Dad's family respected her though she sure as hell tried to win Grandma's approval. Since her own mother had died when she was only four, Mom needed a surrogate female to guide her through those early years raising us. She had no idea what she was doing. Despite the distance Grandma put between herself and Mom, Grandma wasn't evil and conniving. She didn't hate Mom - just didn't know how to deal with her crazy daughter-in-law.
So here we are: Mom was screwed up early-on, but you know just as well as I do how much she loves us. Maybe she has a queer way of showing it, but, now that I'm older and a little wiser, I want to be forgiving. I'd hope my family would show me a little compassion if I turned crazy. Well, crazier ...
You know, Joan, Mom wasn't ready to take on the responsibility of a brood of kids so soon after she and Dad were married. Even those times she took off and Dad had no idea where she was and we kids were crying our eyes out, she never really abandoned us. I realize that sounds ridiculous because she was truly gone physically. Dad was frantic. We felt orphaned, though, of course, Dad never left our side.
When she finally returned, one time, and then another, she was so pitiful. Even as a little girl - though the oldest of us three - I could feel her grief and see the guilt etched around her mouth and eyes. Kids don't need words and big explanations to see into the heart of an adult. Mom dragged home sorrowful and her tail between her legs after she got her head back on straight. She hated herself but loved us so desperately.
It's no wonder we question our ability to be good mothers, if and when that day should ever come ...
Can I Be a Good Mother?
by compound complex 5 Replies latest jw friends
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compound complex
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compound complex
Isn't it an ironic twist and so very, very Hollywood that I was named Joan. Not so unusual a name, I admit. But that a cute little blonde girl should have as mother dearest a gorgeous, raven-haired madwoman named Christina. What an almost consciously planned twist! If you're not into the old flicks you wouldn't see the irony. The bitter irony of my life.
Those old black and whites held me irresistibly captive, glued to the screen as I was, bewildered that the movie star after whom I was named could be so good and kind on screen (well, if the script called for it) but so different in real life. I'm enough of a realist now, as an adult, no longer to be swept away by the Sturm und Drang of a fanciful photoplay. Or Hollywood lives. Though the physical pain of the irrational beatings I received as a child is gone - I do have some scars, however - the inner pain has been little eased despite love from caring friends and supportive family members. A good shrink helps too.
My sister Joleen, older and, I'll reluctantly admit, wiser, has an outlook I'm simply not able to adopt. Not at this point anyway. She's always been sweet and kindly disposed by nature. After our mother would have one of her characteristic tantrums - volcanic explosions, more aptly - and she and the house were four sheets to the wind, it was Joleen who brought her the wet washcloth and tried to calm us kids down. Dad was at work. That's just it - he was at work. He didn't see the half of what SHE did to Joleen, Toby and me.
My adult's intellect acknowledges that the father has to be gone long hours to pay the rent, put food on the table ... of course! Of course! But the beaten and bruised little girl is screaming for help to the big, protecting daddy who seems never to be there at those cursed moments when an uncontrolled rage is visited upon helpless children.
Why didn't my daddy protect me?
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Nowman
I am a mother of 3 children. My 1st and 2nd were surprises, I was 22 when I got pregnant with my daughter, I wondered too if I would be a good mother due to my childhood? I used to call my mother "mommy dearest". Mom hated that, the one time I said it to her as a joke, well it was ugly and I will leave it at that. Joan Crawford reminds me of my mother. I remember my mom asking me to vaccum the living room, just a touch up she said. I decided to do an extra good job, and vaccum under the plants, and all of a sudden she slaps me across the face because I did not do what she told me to do???
I have asked myself "why couldn't I have had a different life"? since I was old enough to think about it. Why, Why, WHY?
I stopped asking a long time ago because I am me now, I know who am. I can't change what happened but I certainly can make my children's life good. They are 11 & 9 now (I have a 1 year old too) and wonderful children. They do not have to feel stressed, or walk on their toes in our house. I never spanked by kids either, I just could not do it. Frankly, it worked, they did not need spankings (although I am NOT judging those that do, I just can't do it).
Can you be a good mother? Yes, the past is the past, we can't change it but we ourselves can make our lives better, not only for you, but the children that we have or will have. There is sense gratification knowing that my children did not have to go through what I went through, and I can contribute in making their lives full, it just takes alot of love.
I feel for you, reading your post broke my heart because I still remember what I went through too, I just can't let it consume me.
Nikki
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compound complex
Dear LDH and Nowman,
You are kind and compassionate, and, judging from your answers, you have made a success of your lives. Though I'm actually a guy (and father), what I've written above is a thinly-disguised version of my life. As a writer, it is evident that I should draw parallels between my own life and that of others. Sadly, much of the early "training" my siblings and I received spilled over into adult life. Fortunately, alcohol abuse was never a factor.
Given the success of professional counseling in my family, I highly recommend it to anyone crying out for help. I will neither discount nor denigrate the "spiritual counsel" offered by Jehovah's Witnesses; however, if it provides any answer at all to issues of mental health, it is scarcely a complete answer.
Thanks much for your input ...
CoCo
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Nowman
Sorry CC, I do not post much, but read here alot, sorry for the gender thing, I assumed!
Take care!
Nikki
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compound complex
Hey, Nikki!
!
CoCo Le Guy