JW Mother-in-law in her last days

free2beme

My mother-in-law has been fighting breast cancer for two years. It then moved to the lungs and now to the brain. They give her less then 6 months. Although, to be honest, I think that length is very optimistic; as she is very weak and ill at this point. The family has had to have some serious heart to heart talks lately. Ones that bring up Witness thoughts, in a time when it comforts her and yet seems so out of place to my wife and I. My wife and I are the oldest of the children, and the most stable with family, financial and in life in general. So naturally they look to us to kind of lead, and it brings up some odd points. For example, having to ask your mother-in-law what elder she wants to have give her talk; knowing it will have nothing to do with her and will have all the heartfelt meanings as a ingredients notice on a candy bar. Having her say things like, "I want to see you in the new system," and biting your tongue to say what you really feel happens at death and realizing that saying those points right now would be selfish and unhealthy. The list goes on and on. It is not fun and if you, as a former Witness, ever dealt with this. You will know it is a real life reality check, in knowing how important a personal faith is to someone and how pushing your own on them is not really the benefit we like to think it is. People have the right, especially in their last days to believe what they want and if it makes them comfortable; let it.

Just my thought on a terrible event in my wife's family.

Brother Apostate

Amen.

Quandry

You will know it is a real life reality check, in knowing how important a personal faith is to someone and how pushing your own on them is not really the benefit we like to think it is. People have the right, especially in their last days to believe what they want and if it makes them comfortable; let it.

Good point, free. You will not have to bite your tongue for long, and after all is said and done, you will be glad that you have made her last days as loving and happy as possible. Good for you...she is in good hands.

Now is the time to get out all the old family photos and let her talk about them all. Ask any family questions you may have about relatives, any beautiful family heirlooms, or other posessions that have a story-like where they came from- in the future they may be passed along to the next generation.

Scully

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this difficult time.

For example, having to ask your mother-in-law what elder she wants to have give her talk; knowing it will have nothing to do with her and will have all the heartfelt meanings as a ingredients notice on a candy bar. Having her say things like, "I want to see you in the new system," and biting your tongue to say what you really feel happens at death and realizing that saying those points right now would be selfish and unhealthy.

You could change the question a little: "How would you like to be remembered by the people who care about you?" Then as she states those wishes, make notes, and find a way to include those things in her memorial service. Even if they are not mentioned by the speaker at the memorial service, you could have cards printed that include your mother-in-law's special qualities - either to give at the service or to send as Thank You notes afterward.

As far as indulging her New System™ fantasy, you can say something like "Since we can't know what the future holds for any of us, let's just focus on enjoying our time together now as much as possible." Then you can offer her something fun to do with you - even something simple like letting her win a game of Crazy Eights or putting extra Cool Whip on her Jell-O - those are positive things that you know are in your ability to give her.

Something I wish I had done for my grandparents was to ask them their favorite flowers and plants so I could always have those reminders of them in my garden.

LovesDubs

Im so sorry you are all going through this...particularly your MIL. :*( At least you have time to say goodbye and say the things you need to to each other before she goes. When My SIL passed last year of pancreatic cancer, she did things she wanted to do with her four kids and they had ample opportunity to talk and comfort each other.

A friend of mine who is now an EXJW, her JW husband was dying of cancer and they talked often about the things she had found out about the JWs and he even agreed on some, but in the end his fear of leaving the religion, "in case theyre right" won out and he had a JW funeral and remained in the faith. Thats what worked for him, and gave him peace in the end.

My thoughts are with you.

Snoozy

I like the idea of pictures!

A friend of mine actually lined the parlor room with easels of pictures of her deceased husband tacked to corkboard.

A smaller version would be OK at a JW Memorial. I would collect some pictures of family and friends and put them on a corkboard or poster board so the people could get a taste of the "personal" life of the deceased.

Plan on being there a little early to explain the pictures to arriving guests and stay a little after to again explain and show the pictures to guests..

When my JW hubby died I only brought a few family portraits and displayed them at the entrance. I should have brought some pictures of him with his work and play buddies that weren't witnesses, That's when he had the biggest smile!

Snoozy..