Doctor’s Notes
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the woman’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald - San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes - Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg - Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both is eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous - Worcester, MA
During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. The instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca - St. Clair Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Dr. Steven Swanson - Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" The patient replied, "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr.Leonard Kransdorf - Detroit, MI
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it, there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
The doctor wouldn't reveal his name
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged woman upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
The doctor wouldn't admit his name.
Underwear is Important!!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
At it again…
A guy is out with buddies, has few drinks and is feeling a little frisky.
But, true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in bed, snoring, with her mouth wide open.
He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
After starting to choke, she manages to recover.
Gasping, she asks her husband, "What did you put in my mouth?"
He answered, "Two aspirin."
Screaming she replied, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"
Smiling, her husband whispers,
"That's all I wanted to hear...."
One of the better Blonde Jokes
A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In her very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair ... given that you are blind ... that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
When Seniors get Married
At a senior's home in Florida, Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely! ."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
After a short pause, Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”