oompa, I lived that double life for three years before I finally, and inevitably, left the dubs for good. Near the end of that three-year stint in hell, I had to be hospitalized for severe, clinical depression. I was in the hospital for two months -- that's what living a double life can do to you. I very nearly died, literally. I hope you never get to that point, but the dub-on-the-outside, apostate-on-the-inside way of life will wear you down until you finally have to make a decision.
As for my conscience when I was a dub, these are the things that made me feel guilty -- not getting the minimal required number of fs hours/month (I was too braindead to lie), my skirt was a little too short (1960s), hating giving talks, hating going to meetings and fs, and wishing I was someone else who didn't have to go through all this crap.
As for my conscience now, here are the things that make feel guilty -- not always being as loving to my family as I should, not contributing enough to the welfare of animals (my pet charity; excuse the pun), not helping my parents as much as I'd like, not spending enough time with my baby grandson. You know, the important things in life, not the shriveled, petty, little WTS rules.
oompa, I believe you're on your way out of dubdom. The only question is when. I can't speak for others, but I can speak from my own experience -- sooner is better than later. You're a nice guy. You deserve better than this. Good luck.
...OUTLAW