by Mommie Dark 8 Replies latest jw friends
. http://www.echonyc.com/~onissues/f95guilt.html
got this in my mail today; I thought it was fascinating. It's long but well worth reading. Survivors of abuse take note: you will recognize the subject and I hope take heart from the sensible ideas offered in lieu of the usual 'forgive your abuser' claptrap we get fed.
Hey ((((((((MD))))))))),
Good article, thanks for posting it.
For religious Christian survivors, such counsel adds horrible complications to the healing process. But even in its secular form, the pressure to forgive abusers is a powerful tool of social control, one that continues to blame the victim
Hope you're doing well. Love to you and all the Dark family
Dana
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...
Closing Time, Semisonic
Forgiveness can and must be given, that gives you the ability to move on and put matters behind you.
But in order to do those things, justice must be done - and seen to be done - first.
This is the whole issue of child abuse and the societies lack of action. The local elders are not acting, they are not dispensing justice on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves. Justice is not being done, and the victim cannot get on with their lives. The evildoer is left to do further wrong, and the victims suffer again and again - if only by proxy.
If the society is ever to get back on the right path, they must right wrongs, have strong leadership and dispense true, balanced, justice. They must put love before money and justice before ego.
The WTBS are weak men taking the lead and producing a damaged following, distrust and punishment of the innocent. They bully the defensless because they cannot fight back, and remove those who have the backbone to fight so the WTBS cannot be shown up for what they are.
Jim
MD,
This was very good! (It agrees with my point of view completely!)
I absolutely DETEST people who try to guilt-trip victims into letting abusers off the hook for their despicable behavior! Accountability and ownership of the wicked deeds has to occur FIRST, before the abuser is worthy of any forgiveness. And THEN, the victim can decide whether or not or when or not to grant such. Victims are NOT responsible for the crimes committed against them. Ever.
outnfree
When the truth is found to be lies
and all the joy within you dies ... -- Darby Slick, Somebody to Love
(((((((md safe)))))))
Thanks for sharing .
WIll get back to this later,I do think I have written about this in the past somewhere.I'll see if I can dredge it up.....luv to yas,T
Vive Bene
Spesso L'amore
Di Risata Molto!!!
NOTE: This post has been edited for clarification!
That is a totally great article. It makes me ill the way that people are guilted if they can't forgive their abusers in the "Christian" sense. That kind of forgiveness as described in that article victimizes the victim all over again!
As Safe said, any forgiveness must be in the victims own time and way, and FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE VICTIM, not the abuser!
I got a whole new view of the "forgiveness" issue from the Dr. Phil McGraw "Get Real Challenge" that I've been participating in online for the past 9 weeks. In the episode of the series where he talks about forgiveness, he says that his version of it in no way says that you will ever believe that what the abuser did was okay in any way. What it means is that you have to let it go because otherwise it eats away at the core of who you are, and will poison your life.
He says that people who 'forgive' in this manner (letting it go, putting it in the past and moving forward, while not ever forgetting the wrong that was committed) allows them to stop victimizing themselves in place of the abuser. He says that otherwise the abuse continues over and over in the persons head every day of their life and keeps them prisoner of that person.
I know that I'm not saying this nearly as well as he did.
Here is something on his views of forgiveness that is up on Oprah's website:
Forgiving OthersI do not believe at all in shaming the victim and neither does Phil. His way makes sense to me, and I'm just posting it here in case it might help somebody struggling with this issue.Forgiveness means to say 'I will not hate you any more.' You don't need to be controlled by that any more.'
Remember Life Law #7: "Life is managed, not cured.". It's a step you have to take every day.
Ask yourself: What would happen if you forgave him, and forgave yourself for not being enough?
Forgiveness is about you. It's about you withdrawing your feelings and not being locked in a bond of hatred. Questions of right and wrong have nothing to do with it. If we make fairness a basis for forgiveness, we're going to be at war with the people in our lives for the rest of our lives. Is the other person worth it?
Remember: Anger changes who you are, and it can absolutely define who you are. Anger is such a strong and destructive emotion it can dominate every action, every exchange with people in your life. Any time you see someone carrying anger, it's nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear or frustration. Forgiveness can help you release the anger, and bring those in your life closer to you.
love you MommieD!
essie
I work hard to forgive those that have harmed me in the past. But it's not in an effort to excuse their horrifying behavior. It's an effort to heal myself. I don't feel well when I harbor anger and resentment. I feel much better when I let that go.
Andi
cool article mommie thanks. Jim Dee, Esmeralda and Billygoat you make good points "the forgiveness must be in the victims own time and way"
harboring that kind of anger and resentment is like Drinking poison yourself in hopes that another will die.
Billy
The Great and Powerful Oz
pay no attention to the man behind the curtain
Just because you don't forgive someone, doesn't mean you don't love them. It all depends on the situation...I suppose in some strange way I love my father, but I will not forgive him unless he thinks he has done something wrong...I don't need to give it, but if he needs it, and readily admits guilt, I can provide it.
ashi
