A Parody Press Conference
My name is Gerrit Losch, and I am a member of the Governing Body of Jehovah’s Witnesses. As you know, we hardly ever give interviews unless we feel pretty sure that we are going to get some unearned good publicity and goodwill. We love publicity, especially when we can control it.
The fact is though, we hardly ever have been open about what we do and why we do it. You have no idea how that pains me. It’s time to address some real questions by real people.
Today, I have invited Katie Couric, Brian Williams, Charlie Gibson, Keith Olberman, Bill O Reilly, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. They will be limited to one question. I on the other hand, can give as many answers as I want to….. Lets start with Katie Couric.
Katie: Can you see Russia from your house?
Losch: No, but I got a great view of downtown Manhattan from my office. Also, I can see the heavenly chariot of God’s Kingdom in my minds eye. And yes, I passed the last 5 drug tests I took…. Brian Williams, you’re next.
Brian: Why did you disfellowship Barbara Anderson for revealing the depth of the pedophile problem that Jehovah’s Witnesses have?
Losch: Who?
Oh yeah, that was the woman we gave a backstage pass to our dirty laundry. Not our brightest decision. We thought she would feel so self important to be given access that she would have just shut up and stayed happy to be in our spiritual paradise. When it turns out that she followed her own conscience instead of the bible trained conscience we tried to indoctrinate her with, we had no choice but to shun her. She’s not a company gal.
Understand that we are gods chosen channel of truth and new light. We won’t tolerate anything real getting in the way of that. It’s our way or the broad road to destruction. And with that, its to you Charlie Gibson.
Charlie: What is it about new light? Is it like diet truth?
Losch: HAHAHAHA….. What?
New light is simply our way of saying that sometimes, for his own reasons, Jehovah doesn’t tell us, his only chosen channel, all of his plans right away. He generally likes to wait till we’re ready for the update, which usually occurs after we screw up a prophecy like 1975. It’s always at these most important times that Jehovah gives us new light, or failing that, new batteries for our flashlight. And now, its time for some pundits. Keith Olberman.
Olberman: Hi, I’m the great Keith Olberman. I hate intolerance, lying Republicans, Rush Limbaugh, and that gasbag Bill O’Reilly. He’s one of the worlds worst persons….. I believe in justice for all, and I am so proud that we elected our first black President. He’s one of the world’s best persons….
Losch: Um, did you have a question?
Olberman: Oh yeah, why is it that you JW’s teach that blood transfusions are sinful because your god wants blood immediately poured on the ground, and yet at the same time, allow medicine derived from blood? Do you scrape it off the ground?
Losch: Keith, did you know you and I have similar hairstyles?
Olberman: That’s not an answer…
Losch: No, and I wouldn’t expect one either. Truthfully, we can’t tell our ass from a hole in the wall. We don’t even understand what it is we are teaching about blood. We are waiting on more new light or new batteries from Jehovah on this one. And now, its that angry Irish guy…..
O’Reilly: Hey, I’m Bill O’Reilly, and I am looking out for you… and you, and you, and you… It seems like liberals and MSNBC is destroying our country. Either that or they are really pissing me off, I can never tell. I hate those !@#$$ (*&^%!!!
Losch: Again, a question would be nice.
O’Reilly: SHUT THE HELL UP! DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?? NO ONE TELLS ME WHEN TO ASK A QUESTION!!!! Ok, basically, I sort of relate to your elders. How do you train them to be such excellent assholes?
Losch: Ah! Great question! Yeah, it took a long time for us to get to this point. A lot of pain, esp in the early 70’s when we started having a group of elders in each congregation as opposed to one each. At first, everyone wanted to be an elder, for their own reasons.
But that’s not our problem anymore. It seems like we can’t keep good elders. Or even bad ones. We are willing to keep the bad ones if they report 10 hours of service and disfellowship who we say to. It’s a big plus if they haven’t molested kids, but if they don’t tell us, we don’t check up on that.
Basically, we can get any elder to be an asshole by giving them way too much to do, suck the life right out of them, and give them a false sense of power. After a while, we find that they turn into mindless zombies, who just go through the motions. We couldn’t have planned it better if we meant for them to be mindless slaves to our evil will….. And now for the funny people.. Jon Stewart!
Stewart: I would like to focus my attention on your failed prophecies. Why do you guys insist on still predicting the future when you haven’t got one single prophecy right ever?
Losch: We got 1914 right!
Stewart: No you didn’t! You guys got lucky that WWI broke out and that the people who heard what you really said back then died. You didn’t get anything right…. You even say that Jerusalem was destroyed in 607 BCE. NO ONE BUT JW’s EVEN TRY TO PULL THAT OFF!
Losch: How do you know all of this?
Stewart: I’m Jewish, and I damn well know Jerusalem was destroyed in 586/587 BCE.
Losch: Ah yeah. Well, you aren’t our target audience Jon. You see, you got an education, and you have internet access. Even though we worship the most powerful, omnipotent god , Jehovah and we GB members are powerless against history and education. It seems the god we worship doesn’t like facts too much….
Thus, we really like going into poor territories, and esp 3 rd world countries, where they haven’t a clue. We treat them nice, tell them what questions to ask, which we have ready answers for, and voila! Another brainwashed convert. So until we run out of mis-informed people to comb through, we will continue to prophecy, all to the praise of our great god, Nathan Knorr.. Um, I meant Jehovah… NEXT! Stephen Colbert…….
Colbert: As you know, I am all about truthiness. You guys say you have “the truth”, but I say you guys are all about truthiness too. By that, I mean that truth is all about what feels good to you at the time, especially if its convenient. Do you have any comment?
Losch: You got me Stephen. Yeah, we say we have the truth, but truth be known, we are all about present truth. Present truth isn’t about yesterday, and it isn’t about tomorrow, but if we say it today, you better damn well obey, or else.
Well, I have enjoyed talking with the press. Time for me to write another “members only” copy of the WT for our Sunday meetings. Gotta try to make sure we can get everyone to comment in their own words on paragraphs that don’t have yes or no questions. God I love my job!