Being An Insider as a JW Means.... What?

AllTimeJeff

I write this partly as a healing post for me, but also one built out of curiosity.... Because as we all know, JW's have their own caste system, with the haves and have nots, the good JW's, and those barely hanging on for dear life....

Since I have left, I have wondered how I should use my "insider" observations as a Gilead grad, missionary, elder, etc.... Frankly, for me to go all the way up the ladder is embarrassing for me to consider... What an idiot I was....

Yet, for so many who are leaving, they are fascinated by what I got to do. Ditto certain others here. (I think of Randy Watters or A@G videos, etc....) Frankly, when I read Randy's stuff at freeminds.org, I recognized it instantly. It was needed, needed for all of us. For whatever value giving credit is worth, credit should be given him. It helped me to leave a cult. (ditto Barbara Anderson btw... Wow, and eternal thanks for that brave soul standing up for what is truly right!)

And it is in that spirit that I on occasion write of my experiences. But at the same time, I just want everyone to know something about me. I was an ASS (apologies to the Mods...) until I was an elder. Gawd, I can't even stand my own memories.

For me, it is unbelievable to look back now and see my path, and the delusions that my former faith fed into my ego. For me, it was a real blessing to be an elder and to go to Gilead, Africa, etc. I set goals, I achieved them. It was those same experiences and the reaching of those goals though, that the same time, made me a human being.... And allowed me to see the other part of JW;s, the suffering, "irreagular/inactive" ones. And to see the damage I was causing....

Just remember, if you benefit from any of my observations, then I am very happy. Just know that at the time I was in, I was a card carrying hypocrite. A member of the JW elite. I like it, I craved it, and I have to own that now.

It's funny to look in the mirror and see yourself as you really are. I am having to learn to love myself for me, and not for the title or privileges that my old cult gave me.....

Anyway, those are some meandering thoughts I wanted to share.... Ciao!

jamiebowers

You are way too hard on yourself. IMHO, every exjw cringes at the thought of something they did as a cult member. Because I'm female, the highest I went was regular pioneer, and believe me, I was the humblest of the humble, what with being beaten mentally and physically by my jw husband on a regular basis. The thought of me being a victim to that little worm and the maggot elders who expected me to keep my head down and take it, makes me sick to my stomach! We all did things we wouldn't have ordinarily done, because we were under mind control.

WTWizard

Keep in mind that Raymond Franz was once one of the Governing Body, helping to make the decisions that affected the witlesses. And he repented, even to the point of trying to correct the corruption within the highest levels of the organization. And what did they do? They threw him out for it. At which point, he tried to undo the damage he helped cause, writing two books exposing the organization from the highest levels, including all the fighting that goes on within the Filthful and Disgraceful Slavebugger when they come up with "new light".

If Raymond Franz, who was once among the highest of insiders, turned around, then so can anyone.

RaraAvis

I know what you mean. It was VERY limited for me because of being female, but I had a lot of "blessings" most single pioneer chicks didn't get. For example: Got to be friends with the Barr's - was invited by Jack and Mildred to the Gilead graduation. Met and visited with a lot of the heavies, ran around with my best friends as they did their circuit. Had parts on assemblies, treated like a rockstar because my best friends were COs, went to serve in Ecuador and was treated like royalty by the locals. Stuff like that.

It wasn't until I lived in the 3rd world country that I started to realize how superficial and stupid it was. The witnesses down there were so amazing. They had nothing and would give everything. The thing that really pissed me off in the end was how the branch would come down on them for not wearing a tie, or not cleaning their shoes, usually something to do with their appearance. For the love of gawd...we have extreme poverty here and JWs are worried about your tie and shoes? Plus it's HOT! And DIRTY!

I started feeling like...we are ruining these amazing, humble, precious people.

So incredibly silly.

ra

Open mind

I just found out what this summer's drama is about.

Neener, neener.

om

(Still an "insider". Insert major eye-roll here.)

yknot

Jeff many have and will continue to benefit from you sharing your story.

We all bought into the scam at some point, all of us had some ego trip too (some small, others to the point of entitlement)

What I find most interesting about all of yall's experiences is a glimpse of the direction I decided to decline at 21. I had been preped since a very young age to become a Barbie looking version of Carolyn Wah. I had my head in the clouds too during the priming period. I wasn't an "azz" but I did benefit from being a 'golden child'. Like you it was meeting those with less and expected to follow blindly (in rural USA) that began to open my eyes to the imbalance that was created by the WTS. The rules I was taught and lived by were very different then what I have found to be the norm for most R&F. Granted I didn't fully allow myself to accept this ponzi scheme until I joined here and began to read yall's experiences and observations. I am finally able to make peace about not fulfilling my theocratic career..... and that is a burden I had been carrying around for over a dozen years..... because of yall sharing of yourselves, unselfishly

OM..... neener neener.....

http://i347.photobucket.com/albums/p480/Jamesx777/DistrictConvention.jpg

Here is OM's other thread on more of his 'insider' drama news.... http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/175757/1/Drama-Topic-for-2009-DC-Heres-the-scoop

I see myself attending with an audiobook this year.......

Open mind

Doh!

Not exactly a scoop I see.

I think I'll volunteer for external watchmen and head for the local beer joint.

But that would include lying to my wife.

Nope. Just have to make sure I've got plenty of good reading material on my PDA.

I'll be at the Cow Palace in SF.

How about you, Yknot?

om

yknot

Well I was planning on some serious catching up with worldy college friends in San Angelo, but the WTS turds are making us drive 200 additional miles to Lubbock (San Antonio would have be better!). Maybe I will rent a 50's ride and blare Buddy Holly like a freakin' tourist all the way to my teenager directed parking space.

Wanna trade DC locations? ... I am jealous!

Why not whisk wifey away at Saturday's lunch break to some nice destination up or down the coast instead....... or talk her into drinks and a nooner!

truthsetsonefree

I know what you mean Jeff. I was a jerk until I became an elder. I was self righteous, I bought in totally. My only excuse is that I was a child when it happened. When I became an elder, that's when my humanity surfaced as I saw regular folk struggle to serve the WT. That too was when I felt the overpowering need to make sure that what I was teaching was accurate. The rest is history. But I still cringe when I think of what I was before. I guess that is part of facing reality.

Being An Insider as a JW Means.... What?

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