I have been active on this board a week now and I think for the most part, my head is alot clearer now. Previously when I'd considered leaving the organisation, I had no other knowledge to back up my feelings. I simply just wanted to leave and thought that come armageddon, I would die. The difference now is that I am not so sure I believe in armageddon, after being here and everyone giving a helping hand :)
I go to bed at night, pondering on what I've read and learnt on this site and I find myself saying 'but maybe the organisation is a cult'.
Today for example, I told my parents how 'a friend' of mine was telling me about Judicial matters, what happens with the notes, letters etc (from my topic on here) and my mom was particularly disgusted. My dad said 'interesting, didn't know that'. This was in regard to notes being kept and unsealed envelopes etc. In fact, my dad said 'why can't elders take notes during a JC?' a my mom snapped back 'because there are legal implications and they don't want to be sued'. And 'that's a persons life they're dealing with, they shouldn't be taking notes!!!'.
Next accomplishment today: I looked at xmas trees :) I have never in my life stopped to look at decorations, or trees. But I took my child to the store today and stood in the xmas aisle, wishing I was free and never born into this religion. Oh and last night, I brought up the topic of my inactive brother (who lives with his girlfriend) and how 'I wonder how he'll go this year with her doing xmas'. They have only recently started living together you see. Mom says 'I don't know' and then goes on to tell me how when she was a kid, her mom used to be so traditional at xmas, house covered in decorations, cards hanging everywhere etc. She then added 'if I wasn't a witness, I'd do it the same as she did, fully traditional and all out'. I told her I'd do the same.
If I was to be Df or Da myself, I think it would break my dads heart. But I think my mom would still talk to me. She may not hang out with me much, at least not initially, but I know she'd miss me. I am her best friend. I think I need to feel the situation out a little more before making a rash decision. I'm wondering if my impending divorce will see elders on my doorstep, in which case, if they get negative with me, I will tell them where to stick it and that I've had enough. I've been stumbled tons of times over the years, by the injustices and my marriage situation is injustice at its best. I have 'held on' as long as I could tolerate, but know I need to come to a firm decision soon.
Thanks for listening and helping me through this :)