Introducing Cthulhu (though a bit belated)!!

Cthulhu

I think I did a very small introduction to make my spotty presence known, but I see others tell a bit about their history, at least so far as the Watchtower is connected, and thought I might do the same. So here goes!

I was raised in a moderately religious household. We didn't often go to church, but did read the Bible and sing hymnals on a weekly basis off and on for years. Though I was raised around the Bible I found myself questioning it and the very existence of god at a very young age. In spite of this, I asked Jesus into my little heart around eight years old at my father's urging.

My parents split up when I was ten and the resulting collapse of the life I knew lead me further down the road of doubt. I wanted to believe in something, but just couldn't seem to find a reason to. My mother, who had gained full custody, had a man move in with us while the divorce was months from being finalized. At the same time she insisted that my sister and I attend a local Lutheran church. Neither ma nor the live in went. After going to the church for some time I grew to believe again, but saw an enormous amount of hypocrisy both there and at home.

The Witnesses couldn't have asked for me to be in a better spot when we first spoke. I had just the right amount of dissatisfaction with life along with some religious conviction that had grown on me for the three years I'd been attending Trinity Lutheran. They had to do some work, a lot of it actually, to convince that thirteen year old me of some doctrinal issues, but in the end, after a few years, they won out. If my mother would have let me I would have attended their meetings right off, but she didn't and this further proved that they were right. The Witnesses said the truth would divide households and that those who had a right understanding would be persecuted. I was living it! Yes, I had purpose! I was a defender of the truth, under attack from the wicked heathen, hypocrites that were my family. It was a struggle, and many times I didn't know how much longer I could go on, but Jehover never failed me. Maybe I couldn't go to the Hall, but suddenly Witnesses seemed to pop up all over, and whenever I needed them. I had fellow students at school. My bus driver was married to a Witness and he was always willing to talk. I'd see them out in service when I was in town. Yes, Jehovah so lovingly provided for me...so I thought.

Eventually my mother did let me go and I was baptized when I was sixteen. Long before that, though, I had doubts. I didn't really believe the holy spirit appointed elders. How could it when some of these were vile and disgusting people at the time of their appointment?! Was the Bible really the inerrant and complete word of god? Did I actually think we were close to the end? No, but I wanted to. I had found true friends who genuinely cared about me and I had come so far so quickly. I sat there in the front row of the ASSembly Hall with five others. Through the talk I didn't take many notes, but I did contemplate not going through with it. Though I would have been one of a handful in the entire history of the organization that stood up and answered "no" when they asked the two pre-dip questions, I seriously considered it. My mother, sister, and the live in all came to see me take the dunk, and more than a thousand people were sitting there behind me, so proud of the life that was about to be saved. My study conductor gave the talk itself, so I said "yes" in that loud voice of conviction that they always ask for, got changed, and took the dive (I had to go under twice, ironically. I think my toe popping up may have been a last chance, and I pushed it aside when I allowed them to try, successfully, again)

Within two years I had drifted away. I'd seen the congregation to be very demanding and observed its leadership to be composed of spineless hypocrites. I thought of suicide endlessly because I could never ever do enough. Finally, I’d had enough. Right out of high school I moved in with a gal I'd known for years, she having been raised a Witness. The "end of false religion" tract scared the shit out of us so we got back to the meetings and were married the day before my JC. For those who are wondering, getting married at the urgings of friends and the prospective bride to avoid disfellowshipping is simply NOT GROUNDS FOR A HAPPY, SUCCESSFUL MARRAIGE, which I found out a bit over a year later when she left.

When I’d been gone from the hall I obtained what was the best job I’d ever had. I gained employ at a local YMCA camp. I loved it and stuck to it for three years. In the last year I actually moved to the camp grounds and spent 10 months living right there where I worked. This was after both the wife had left and I had started reaching out for PRIVYleges in the congregation. I’d neither neighbors nor traffic, just countless swarms of yard apes, ankle biters, and rug rats for three months out of the year. The work was always varied and ANYTHING but monotonous. It allowed me to go out in service for 70 hours or better a month. I even reached 99 once. And we are not talking about those half ass pioneer fudged hours. Nay nay! These were real hours.

Regardless of how much I was doing and what a blessing this job and living arrangement appeared to be, this MTS brother decided it was time to fix everything and wrote a letter to the service department about my situation. I only found out that the service committee sent said letter after it was already on its way. The answer that came back was what I expected. ‘The YMCA is, regardless of all appearances, a religious organization. If this brother does not change his job within three months he will be considered as disassociated. Much love and good luck finding a new job you sucker for Jehovah you.’ I wrote a letter back and asked what the difference was between my situation and that of Daniel, who took on the name of a false god and was the chief of the magic practicing priests. Doesn’t THAT sound religious? How about Naaman? Didn’t he, at the advice of a prophet, go on helping his master go about his false worship? What might others have thought of THAT? What’s the difference? A reply was made in which the previous points were restated and my questions were completely side stepped using the Watchtower’s best friend…the ellipsis. So I moved.

I’d started reading though. 1984 changed the way I looked at things. At the suggestion of a member of the conscious class I read books by Don Cameron, Ray Franz, Mr. Johnson, and a plethora of articles from numerous sources. I was thinking! With my brain. I stopped believing in all their ridiculous doctrine, but still believed the Bible, so I went to meetings and just read that. Soon enough I started to see it for what it is: a cornucopia of poppycock, historically inaccurate, self-contradicting, hodgepodge of myths and fables. If this self-righteous, jealous, demanding, perfectionist, OCD ridden, schizophrenic lunatic really was god, I could not worship him in good conscious. Thus began my life as an atheist. “The beauty of creation” I know. I’ve told many a forceful creationist to go have aeronautical intercourse with a pastry (“go f**k a flying donut) I’ve studied Islam, Buddhism, Judaism, Paganism, etc., and I like facets of them all. I just don’t believe in their respective god(s) if they have them to begin with. I have found a religion that teaches atheism and exaltation of the self, while blending ritual elements to help charge or decompress on emotionally. It is Satanism, which one member here has already asked me to elaborate on a bit (bluecanary, I haven’t forgotten, have just been busy. I will get around to it.) Finally I am able to think, actively doubt, and pursue those things that have always come naturally to me. As s Witness I spent considerable time convincing myself that Jehovah was a real entity who heard my many prayers and appreciated the thousands of hours I spent in study, service, and at the meetings. Now I don’t have to force myself to try to think a certain way. It is a freedom that I’d often longed for, but only recently experienced. Very seldom does the thought of suicide even cross my mind any more, and I no longer have to feel guilty about reading a book or writing a story that begs to live when I could be doing “more spiritual things.”

Anyhow, believe it or not, that is the abridged version. I thoroughly enjoy this forum and appreciate the opportunity to give a brief history of my JW life and sincerely hope that this has not put any of you to sleep (I’ve always said if Nyquil won’t work, read my autobiography. I’ve put insomniacs out like a light.) I am looking forward to getting to know you all and thanks for reading.

JimmyPage

Enjoyed reading this very much! Are you a Lovecraft fan?

palmtree67

That's an interesting journey you are on! Thank-you for sharing it!

zoiks

Thanks for sharing, Cthulhu! I second JimmyPage's curiosity - are you a fan of Lovecraft or Lovecraftian type horror? Oh, and welcome. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.

zoiks

snowbird

A very good read.

I agree about Holy Spirit and the elders.

The remark about the field service hours made me LOL. I never faked or fudged my hours, either.

Sylvia

BorgHater

Hi, thanks for posting your story i really enjoyed reading it Freedom is a wonderful thing, glad you have finally found it.

BorgHater x

Cthulhu

To those who either asked, have wondered, or may in the future, yes, I am a fan of Mr. Lovecraft. For those who are as well, I also recommend a story by Stephen King in his collection of short stories Just After Sunset. The story is called "N." and I can't help but think it must have been a bit influenced by Lovecraft. I really liked "The Call of Cthulhu," to such an extent that it was influencial on one of my tattoos. Now I can't look at my right arm without feeling madness setting in. "Oh the angles!!!"

bluecanary

Thanks for sharing your story Cthulhu. I assure you it's not boring in the least. And no pressure on the rest of it.

BTW, when you paste from word program, there's a little icon for it on the message menu, just underneath the bold, italics, underline options. It's a folder with a W on it. If you paste using that function you won't get all the gobbledy gook at the top of the post.

Cthulhu

Thank you BC. I couldn't figure out what the hell that was, and by the time I realized it was there it had already been posted. As far as pressure, I didn't feel any, just wanted to let ya know I hadn't forgotten.

penny2

Cthulhu, I so enjoyed reading your introduction. It's great to have you here!

penny

Introducing Cthulhu (though a bit belated)!!

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