Feeling sad and completely drained

by feenx 3 Replies latest jw friends

feenx


So last night, on deadline, I finished my short screenplay, summary, character breakdown and bio and sent it all in for submission to a local production company who was/is running a contest. My story was about a young boy and his experiences in a morning of service. It's called Door to Door. Oddly enough I was not anticipating this strong of an emotional reaction. I had to stick to contest guidelines which specified not to go over 15 pages. But even in those 15 pages I found myself completely thrown back to childhood memories.
Now, after completing and submitting it, I find myself feeling sad, overall. I am quite happy in my life now and have some very wonderful things in it. Overall I feel I am also in a good place when it comes to my past and also my new life since getting the boot from the organization. I'm proud of myself for the growth and self change I've experienced, and having the courage to truly look at things, specifically in this instance related to JW beliefs, the bible, god, etc., and make my own decisions that are right for me.
But something out there like a script for the purpose of getting it independently made is turning out to be more intense than I thought. Not only is it a piece of me out there as I am the writer, but it's a story that brings me back to that time when as a kid going in service was a normal thing, but that never made it feel good. You would think I would feel incredibly happy right now, having expressed myself in a healthy way and being able to revel in my new life and the fact that I will never have to do that again. But good holy god, I feel like I just got bitch slapped by my past.
Has anyone else had similar feelings? I know I can't be the only person here who has incorporated their JW past into some kind of creative means.
Do you remember as a child feeling so obscure and strange while out in service, yet knowing there was nothing you could do about it?
Cthulhu

It sounds like something I'd be interested in reading. I wasn't raised a dub, but I do remember when I started to realize it was not truth and somehow still felt compelled to go out in service. To feel helpless knowing that you're the only one who can help you and to also feel powerless to do anything for yourself is a sad and lonely state of mind indeed.
bluecanary

Everyone feels sad sometimes. It's ok to feel sad. It's one of life's experiences. Try to feel the emotion without becoming the emotion.
I haven't done any creative writing about my experiences, but I did start a journal about a year before I left and have continued it. There is a lot of confusion and angst in the entries before I left the JWs. A lot of rationalization and self pep talks for activities I hated doing but felt were necessary. There are some I don't want to read and I don't know when I'll feel ready to go back and read them.
AllTimeJeff

Just a thought....
Farkel the other day mentioned how coming to websites and forums like this is tantamount to wading through sewege. I agree. To come here is fun at times, but other times, it just reminds us all of a past I am sure we would rather forget.
I can't imagine writing a screenplay. When I write my 80,000 word essays, I do so as much for me as for anyone. If someone happens to enjoy it, all the better... But it does drain me.
There is no way to come back here (as I do on some slow work days) and not feel sad.
I am mostly over being a JW, but not all the way.
There is no right or wrong way to feel, its just how you deal with it. I think its helpful to realize that writing about our past, or coming here, can have a negative effect if thats all we do. I am sure thats not the case with you.
Anyway, I hope you feel better! :-)

Feeling sad and completely drained

feenx

Cthulhu

bluecanary

AllTimeJeff

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