Just thought I'd share the email I sent Matt tonite....
Well, this is going to be hard to write.
First and foremost, I was an asshole to you for 20 years. We could have been a lot closer if I didn't choose to carry around a massive attitude for so long. I lost a lot of friends that way in years gone past, and I feel like you were one of them.
I can't go back in a nuclear-powered DeLorean and alter history like in the movies, I can only try to influence the future.
I also can't carry a burden-laden past. I can only say I'm sorry for being such an asshole. I could have been a much better older brother but that chance passed me by.
I don't know what transpired in the family after I left. I can only imagine how you felt. In the last several months before I left, you were getting to be a really cool kid. I really enjoyed having you around. You and 'Pree. (you do remember "Skittles" right?) We had a few good times I remember. One night Pree was spending the night and I got home from work late that night after Mom and Dad were gone to bed. We sat up and listened to this tape of a comedian I brought home. We laughed our asses off, remember what it was? "Be-Be's Kids by Robin Harris". When I did go out in field service, remember how sometimes it was you and me and Jonathan Coffey and maybe Arra or Pree? Boy could we knock down an hour or two just driving to "return visits" and the whole time we were just basically goofing off. Jonathan is another regret I have. I'm glad we got closer before I left. I'd like to say some of the same things to him I'm saying to you.
But he's not my brother.
And you can't dwell on the past.
I look at you now and I really don't know you. But I'm not as dumb as I look. I can see a conflict in you. You have the same free spirit I do, yet you have the same natural yearning for family, old friends, and sameness-for lack of a better word. I told you at Fuddruckers that day that it wasn't my place to tell you one way or the other what to decide to do with your life. Now I am going to tell you what to do with your life. Looking back at when I was df'd in '92 I wish I had it to do all over again. I'd have gone in and quit instead of getting fired.
Before you jack this email, I'm not an apostate so don't go there.
You told me on the phone tonight that you "just had to experience life". Well guess what? You've been doing that since you were born! Only in the last few years you've done so with guilt and fear every time you've enjoyed it a little too much. Now you still have guilt and fear, but you also feel free don't you? You're at a crossroads. One you can always go back to and take the other fork, but the path you're on now holds far more of the unknown. The other path, the "straight and narrow" as taught to you all of your life like mine is known to you like the back of your hand. You know what lies there, as did I. It's familiar. Old friends and familiar routine. On that path there are no questions to be asked. It is simply to be followed.
No questions.
You left that path, at least for the time being.
Your path now is totally different. You may know what tomorrow or next month holds but now the future is ever-changing. Sometimes bright, sometimes dismal. As you go along, you learn that it is truly all up to you. You learn that this path holds pain as well. And sometimes hopelessness. On this road, you're truly on your own. The only lesson this path teaches is to rely upon yourself and in time to teach others to do so as well. As I am trying to do now.
I told you at Fuddrucker's that regardless of what you choose that I will stand by you. I meant that then and I mean it now. You're my brother and my friend and that comes before any allegiance to any religion. If you want to be reinstated as a Witness, I'll respect and support that.
I will say this. I don't agree with the shunning policy. In time, if you haven't already, I believe you will see it for what it is. Mom and I have had words over it after Aunt Linda passed and I tried to call Billy.
After all this time now I feel like a barrier has been lifted. It has been so long, I just want us to be brothers again. I miss you dude.
Not much else I can think to say, so I'll close this for now.
Mike.
And again, bringing this thread to the top....
mike.
I may not like what you have to say, but many men gave their lives for your right to say it.
