Fading fast and not sure how to proceed with the JW relatives...

by 2pink 9 Replies latest jw friends

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  2pink

  firstly, my apologies for all the posts i've written over the past few weeks asking for help with all the issues that come with leaving the WT. i realize i am all "take" and no "give" at this point, but i'll pay it forward at some later date, i promise!

  so, as the title of this thread suggests, i'm fading fast....more disappearing than fading really. once i finally dug deep and found out all the secrets about the Wt and its doctrines, well, i've had a hard time going back to the KH. meaning, i haven't gone back once since august. i plan on going back maybe 2-3 times in the next couple of months to keep them off my back for a bit longer while i get my bearings and decide if i really want to fade or DA.

  anyhoo, back to my original question....i realize answers may vary and there is no "one size fits all" plan of action. but i really need to decide how to proceed telling (or not telling?) my JW relatives. i have a JW sister and JW parents who i haven't spoken to in months for other reasons that i will not bore you with now, so as i see it, i am not concerned with those relationships anymore as i truly think they are beyond repair. and i am at peace with that. however, i have one JW sister that i dearly love and my JW regular pioneer MIL whom i also love. these are really the only 2 JWs that i even remotely care about at this point. and i should mention they both live about 500 miles away from me.

  once i decided i was "out", i told my kids (5 & 3) and of course, they were beyond thrilled with the idea of no more meetings/FS and about getting to celebrate their birthdays and holidays. one of my main reasons for leavig the WT NOW and for fully assimilating myself into the regular world (holidays and all) right off the bat is bcs my kids really are at that age where they will start really being affected by the WT teachings and i had to get them out before that happened. i want them to grow up living normal lives, and not have to deal with the mental and emotional confusion that is always a product of being raised a JW (i know as i was born in). i am 100% sure i am making the right choice for my kids and am personally quite happy to never look back.

  however, since my kids will be celebrating everything under the sun now, and seeing that they are 5 & 3, they are bound to tell my MIL and my sister at some point. i do not want my kids to be the bearer of this news, so i need to do so. i guess i am just not sure what to say or how to say it. i want to fully tell them everything i have found out, but i realize that won't go over well. i want to leave the door open on my end of course. how have you all broken this news? in person, via phone or email or written letter? how?? what reasons did you give for leaving?? what were the pros/cons of how you did it?

  what complicates this is that my husband KNOWS this is not the truth, but hasn't decided yet if he will stay in for the family benefits or opt out like me. so it puts me in an even harder spot as far as how i word things with the relatives.

  anyway, thank you if you've made it this far in my rambling, boring-to-anyone-other-than-me post. you guys have really given me so much to think about and have been so kind in answering the questions i've posted before, so thank you!
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  megs

  I think you are very brave , and your post wasn't at all boring. I wish you so much luck in getting through your fade/leave whatever it turns out to be!
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  jwfacts

  I am generally in favour of fading rather than disassociating. However, it is not always possible whilst family are watching. What I recommend is not telling family at this point in time or doing anything too radical. The longer time passes where you do not go to meetings the less likelihood of getting disfellowshipped. If your family find out slowly over time it gives them more time to get used to the idea and adjust to it.
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  sweet pea

  You are very brave.

  And no, not boring.

  Just take your time. A friend of ours faded successfully by telling his folks that he'd made an informed decision and wouldn't be going back. It seemed to keep the elders off his back and prevented him from acquiring the 'apostate' label. He's now free to do what he wants, almost. His wife is still a hardcore JW so he wont be celebrating Xmas/birthdays etc but then they don't have children so it's not that big a deal.

  Besty and I went down the route of complete honesty with our family and friends and paid the price - disfellowshipped for apostasy and lost his brother + wife and MIL in the process. Not ideal, but we have complete freedom and have no niggling feelings we compromised our integrity. As well, we don't have to be looking over our shoulder wondering who will shop us to the elders for celebrating a birthday, etc. Freedom is precious and our boys aged 4 and 2 are being raised as normal boys who'll hopefully have fabulous memories of the magic of christmas etc - they are the main reason we played our hand the way we did.

  You must do what's right for you - just be prepared for the consequences. AND DON'T RUSH!
• 

  trueblue

  What ever you do, do not write a letter (especially one the elders may get a hold of) You probably will not get a response to the letter soon enough and also it could lay dormant for several years after you forgot that you wrote it be used against you, by the (judge, jury, and executioner)
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  jonathan dough

  what complicates this is that my husband KNOWS this is not the truth, but hasn't decided yet if he will stay in for the family benefits or opt out like me. so it puts me in an even harder spot as far as how i word things with the relatives.

  Get them to read this:

  http://www.144000.110mb.com/

  But whatever you do don't turn your back on the Bible or think that all churches of "Christendom" are the work of the devil, because they aren't.
• 

  jamiebowers

  Your relationship with God or lack thereof is a very personal matter. If a person, whether close relative, friend or complete stranger asked you about your sex life with your husband, another very personal relationship, how would you respond? If you formulate a single, simple sentence and use it repeatedly when questioned, people will get sick of asking you about things that are really none of their business.
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  OnTheWayOut

  I like what jwfacts says, Sweet Pea also. But I do understand that kids that age are not able to keep things secret, even if fully explained to them. If you feel the need to brace the family before the kids say something, you can still limit information.

  "We are not attending meetings anymore. We are still wanting to know the truth, but feel that the meetings are interfering with our search for truth. While we are searching, we will allow the children to participate in activities that other children participate in."

  Don't offer arguments about doctrine unless they really want to know. When they talk about risking your life and the lives of your children, tell them that a loving God won't put innocent children to death over birthday cakes and exchanging gifts. Don't try to feed an argument. Just say that you don't want to argue, don't want to lose their love over words said.
• 

  kriptonian7

  i guess i got lucky. I skipped out on my baptism and never went back...they attempted to call me a few times and my mother tried to get me to tak to them, but i never did. i think i went to 2 assemblies or so after that and a handful of Memorials for my family's sake. But really in the end it was getting way to much to juggle. My grandparents understood, (then again my grandmother hates everyone JW or not lol) but my mother had a hard time with it. i was never DF'd because i never got baptised, so that helped.

  I suggest letting them know ASAP. You know your family better than we do. if you can fade and not get DF'd then that would be optimal i guess that way they will not have to worry about associating with you. I understand the want to make people happy and keep your family from imploding. i was always told that the formula for failure is trying to please everyone.

  BUT....your children and your husband are your family, Your first priority. You have to do what is best for them. Again you know your family best. They are going to react to this pretty much the same way if you ease it onto them, or if you just approach it head first. the end result is the same. best to let them get to their final terms with your desicion as fast as they can

  . id expect one of these outcomes

  1) understand and accept it, be a little weird at first but eventually it will be back to normal. but expect years of invites to meetings and mailed magazines and books.

  2) not understand/care to understand and go full blown JW on you and inform the elders and want to talk to you change your mind, threaten you with DF..ect..

  or combination of the two. Its a life changing desicion that will stress you out. In told my mother and grandmother that i have not lost what i was taught (i just disregarded the bull) I have love for our creator, and i have a relationship with him that, no matter what their desicion is on how they want to handle me, will always be there. Dont play games with them, all it will do is drag on.

  good luck, and be strong
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  cyberjesus

  Take it easy, your heart is resolved to leave, you are on the right path, you have an advantage, your friends still talk to you so you have some leverage. Have in mind that they are still under mind-control. Very important to remember, you need to learn how to approach them without making them think you are an apostate otherwise THEY WILL shunn you.

  Releasing the Bonds by Steve Hassan will give you lots of info on how to approach them. You are just gaining time. After you have made them think and use their own brains then they can take their own desicisions.

  Hope that helps a little