Abandon hope, all ye who dare enter the 2009 House From Hell here at the Sword of Joshua Independent Full Gospel Pentecostal Assembly (on state road 23 just off the frontage road, right next to J.D.'s 24-hour drive-thru pawn and gun auto parts pharmaceutical adult gift bait and tackle discount cigarette outlet)
In a bizarre twist of irony, our Pastor, the Reverend Billy Ray Collins has announced that this year's House From Hell will be a sensitive outreach to our unsaved secular liberal friends. Therefore, the Rock and Roll Hall of Flames featuring the demon beat of Ozzy Osmond and Slutney Spears will not be part of the exhibit this year.
Your host as always will be the man who smokes cigarettes! And just to add to the sheer terror this year, he'll also be eating a BIG MAC!
As you enter the house, you'll feel the fear creep through you as you behold the terror of a living room that's got a COLOR TV TUNED TO FOX NEWS!
As you begin to experience the terror, the cigarette smoker will then turn around and suprise you with his very own HEALTH INSURANCE POLICY! And he'll do it in the horrifying personal office where right there on the table lies his terrifying TAX RETURN!
Before you can recover from the shock of witnessing someone actually pay taxes, you'll witness the other half of the HETEROSEXUAL MARRIED COUPLE in the kitchen preparing dinner for the family while the children are upstairs finishing their HOMEWORK!
Oh lord can you stand it?
Those with heart conditions won't be admitted to the viewing of the CHILDREN WHO ATTEND PRIVATE SCHOOL! It's just too shocking! Why, right there before those precious young eyes for all to see lies THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES INCLUDING THE SECOND AMMENDMENT! And those who haven't fainted out of fear yet will witness the spine-tingling recitation of the FULL bill of rights including the never-before-seen TENTH AMENDMENT!
From there it is only a short walk to momma and daddy's bedroom where you'll experience the blood-curdling sight of a pistol without a trigger lock!
If you make it that far without requiring medical assistance, the finale of the House From Hell will send you right over the edge into insanity. Prepare for the horror of all horrors beyond anything from your darkest nightmares! A proper family sitting down together for dinner! Not only do they PRAY before dinner! They also watch Sean Hannity while eating a healthy dinner that momma herself cooked without any "organic" foods!
Oh friends, this ain't for the faint of heart. An ambulance will be on hand, and yes it will be a hybrid-electric ambulance staffed by vegetarian homosexuals.
The 2009 House From Hell is free, however donations will be accepted. All proceeds will go towards our church programs aimed at keeping folks from going to hell.
This here is the Reverend Bendrr reminding you it's time to turn so you don't burn.