Family Helping Family, What is the JW Stance?

by garyneal 8 Replies latest social family

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  garyneal

  An open question to everyone regarding a situation occuring in my life. As you know, my wife and sister-in-law are JW born ins. My wife is trying to return but her sister is currently inactive. She is living with us until she can get help with her housing (section 8) and she has a small child born out of wedlock.

  My wife and I was talking with her today about some of the issues she is facing. She is not sure if she wants to keep the baby or send her to live with her dad in New York. Her parents are against her sending the baby away but when asked for help they go silent and offer none. They offer lots of 'advice' according to my sis-in-law. Advice such as, "Well if you hadn't made the mistakes you made and had that baby out of wedlock, you would not be dealing with these issues." While this may be true, this clearly does not help the situation. Her parents are out of work, so I can imagine that it would be hard for them to drive for four hours to see her and help out. But, they still manage to make it to the assemblies in Richmond, VA (which is only an hour away from us). Seems like if they can drive that far, they can drive to see my sister-in-law but I digress as they may have good reasons for not coming to help, I don't know.

  My sister-in-law is very frustrated with her parents who are devout JW (Father's an MS, Mom's a full time pioneer). My wife and I help out as much as we can. We're even offering to take the baby with us as we travel back to our hometown for the Thanksgiving weekend. Again, this is due to her not being able to find a baby-sitter for the holiday weekend (day care being closed) while she works (the restaurant she works at is open on Thanksgiving). Her thing, however, is that she asked her parents for help with baby-sitting and again they went silent. The father and grandmother on the father's side is literally bending over backwards and providing her with lots of support. Of course, they are 'worldly' so to a JW, they should not be helping out so much.

  As an observer, it seems to me that this devout JW family is very quick to judge her and very slow to provide help and support. I compare their actions to the actions of my own parents and I have found my parents to very very quickly come to the aid of one of their children. I remember back when my sister first move to this area, they needed lots of help and my parents were there. I remember the amount of support I got during the early years of my marraige and the support I got during my college years. My parents, however, are 'worldly' and haven't been to a church regularly in over 20 years. Yet, they seem to show more Christian characteristics that these seemingly self righteous JW's who told my wife she was 'lowering her standards' back when she first started dating me. In fact, I recall on two seperate occasions, my parents actually allowed people who they barely knew to live in their home rent free because they had no place to live (one was a friend of my brother's, the other was a working for my step-dad). This certainly resonates with Matthew 25:38-40 .

  So what then about the JW parents of my wife and sister? How come I see so little coming in the way of help from them? I remember one week they were coming up to visit for the week and my mom needed a way up because she wanted to see my daughter. I asked both my mom and my father-in-law if it was okay that my mom rode up with them and I would take her back home myself. His response, "Well I need some gas money?" Um, weren't they coming our way with or without my mom? However, to not make a scene, I offered to pay him the gas money myself. My wife was upset and dismayed over this and over them insisting that they could not stay the whole week to watch our daughter as they originally promised because they had a KH wedding that they needed to attend. (Here's hoping that this only adds to her cognitive dissonance.)

  So what kinds of experiences have you all had? Have any of your JW family been very very helpful to you in your times of need or do they seem to 'go silent' and avoid helping you out like the parents of my sister in law seem to do? If they do or do not help you, do they seem to pass judgement on your predicament?
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  EmptyInside

  It's a personal matter for each Witness family. In my congregation, I know of a family who help watch their granddaughter. I know the little girl stays overnight their house. And their daughter has nothing to do with the religion, and doesn't appear to want to come back. But, the grandparents, and he's an elder, still want a relationship with their granddaughter and help out a lot. So,it's a case by case basis, there is nothing, as far as I know,printed anywhere that says you can't help out family. And from what I have noticed, even if the parents are upset with their children,and the course of life they may have chose, they still want a relationship with their grandchildren. Of course, I know others may have a different experience in this case.
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  MissingLink

  They may not come right out and make a rule that you can't visit with grandchildren (children of your DF children), but they sure as heck load on the guilt about such things, making you feel "weak" for doing such things.

  For example - visiting with your grandchildren means your "failing a test of faith":

  Watchtower 1988 April 15 p.27 What About Relatives?
  
  13 Cutting off from the Christian congregation does not involve immediate death, so family ties continue. Thus, a man who is disfellowshipped or who disassociates himself may still live at home with his Christian wife and faithful children…
  
  14 The situation is different if the disfellowshipped or disassociated one is a relative living outside the immediate family circle and home. It might be possible to have almost no contact at all with the relative. Even if there were some family matters requiring contact, this certainly would be kept to a minimum, in line with the divine principle: “Quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother that is a fornicator or a greedy person [or guilty of another gross sin], . . . not even eating with such a man.”—1 Corinthians 5:11.
  15 Understandably, this may be difficult because of emotions and family ties, such as grandparents’ love for their grandchildren. Yet, this is a test of loyalty to God , as stated by the sister quoted on page 26.”
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  EmptyInside

  Well, if I remember correctly, Gary Neal's sister-in-law was never baptized, so none of the rules for disfellowshipped relatives apply here. I was born in, I know how to work around things. If they want to help out their daughter, it's family business and everyone else can mind their own business. But, I don't know the other side, maybe your sister-in-law's course of life is draining on them. And for their own emotional health they keep their distance. There are two sides to the story. But, I don't see any reason to punish their future grandchild.
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  EmptyInside

  Sorry about the future grandchild comment. I see that the baby is already here.
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  dgp

  I suppose the parents are not helping to put pressure on the other daughter to join the society. It seems to me that the implication is "We know you need our help; get baptized if you want it".

  It's sad, yes. What I find even worse is that the daughter is still talking about how ALL wordly people are no good.
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  HappyGuy

  What you have to understand about JWs is that EVERYTHING is viewed through a prism of conformity to the dictates of the cult leaders. They base how much they want to associate with someone on how "strong" that person is in the "truth". Since your sister in law is inactive and has a baby out of wedlock she has been marked by her parents. Marking a family member means that you can associate with them a little but you have to keep your distance.

  The part about asking your mother for gas money just means the people are stingy and cold hearted.

  Now, I have a daughter that I distanced myself from after I spent over $50,000 over a few years "helping" her because my daughter uses people and is a master at it. That was a hard decision to make but my daughter was ruining my life and my relationship with my wife. (My wife saw through my daughter's manipulation, I did not"). I guess the bottom line with my daughter was that I had had enough.

  I don't know your sister in law, so I don't know if her parents are justified in distancing themselves because they have "had enough". But knowing how JWs judge people and turn cold to anyone who is not "strong", I don't find this behavior surprising at all.

  One thing you have to be careful of with your sister in law. You are worldly, so you may do a great deal for her and then one day she will become "strong" in the truth again and all of your kindness will be totally forgotten and that will be okay to her because you are "worldly".

  Personally, I have a big heart, so I would give her all the love and support I could, while helping her GET HER OWN PLACE, and I wouldn't worry about if she appreciated it or not or what her JW family was or was not doing. JWs can be very machine like, weighing everyting in a very twisted logic of their sect's doctrine, so their behavior can be totally incomprehensible. You are better off if you don't try to understand them and be kind to them but don't expect them to do what any normal parents would do. They are not normal.
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  dgp

  Gary, Happy Guy is highlighing the fact that, whatever you do for your sister in law, it might not earn you any recognition or gratitude. I think the really Christian or human thing for you to do is "so be it", anyways. Just develop the crust you will need to handle that.
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  garyneal

  Hey Everyone,

  Thanks for the responses. My sister-in-law is unbaptized and I learned last night that she is (or was) an unbaptized publisher. Of course, I doubt this is true now but then again I don't know. When my wife and I started dating, her mom went and reported her to the elders. She had to face two elders (a judiciary committee perhaps) and was later announced to the congregation that she was no longer an unbaptized publisher. Apparently, none of this happened to my sister-in-law. Perhaps her mom learned her lesson from her experience with my old (the older sister). Perhaps, sister just simply left town and disassociated herself before the fireworks had a chance to start.

  It is indeed a family matter and I too don't have the full story. I do know that sometime after my wife and I left town together, her sister went into depression and started acting out in ways that gave her parents fits. Perhaps they have had enough with her and are simply 'helping from a distance.' Her moving out of our small home town and moving to where we now live did give her some reason to feel good about herself so I guess that alone is helpful. A few years ago, when she first moved out here, things weren't going well for her financially. Her parents offered to let her move back in, she finally did but she hated it. The small town has little to offer and I think she was beginning to sink back into her depression (I can certainly relate to that). She wrote me a letter sometime later practically begging me to let her move back in.

  The purpose of this thread wasn't to single them out and judge them but to simply see if perhaps some of their actions may have had anything to do with their religious affiliation. I understand all religious people have a tendency to view things from a 'holier than thou' prism but it seems to me that this is especially true from the witnesses. Judging from all the threads I see concerning how witnesses treat each other and how they view outsiders, I was just checking to see how much of this is the 'religion' talking.

  I am fully aware of the fact that no matter how helpful or nice I seem to these people, I will always be judged by them as a little lower than they are since I am 'worldly.' It use to bother me as I had always tried to gain their respect. Now I view it as solely a Jehovah's Witness thing that was first started by Rutherford. I have to admit, coming to this site certainly helps me see through their facades and propoganda. Whenever I am at the KH with my wife now, I never view these people the same way. I'm always thinking about the WT comments videos when I see people raising their hands to answer questions in the WT. I look at how some people seem to view others judgementally. I notice when some sisters try to 'explain' their prolonged absences. I even noticed a MS bobbing his head at a Thursday night meeting when a CO was giving the talk. Classic.

  Back to my sister-in-law, I should point out that the baby's dad's mom is also being very helpful and supportive. They too (baby's dad and his family) are worldly.