The disconnect effect

by truthseeker 8 Replies latest jw friends

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  truthseeker

  This is kind of hard to put into words. I have faded for over a year now and have moved on with my new life.

  I still have friends and family who are JWs that I care for very much. I don't say anything to them about JWs and they don't know I no longer believe and miss meetings.

  I am in contact with them because they are nice people even though they would shun me in a heartbeat if they found out about me - but - this is where it gets tricky...

  I find the more things I do that are in opposition to JW rules and regulations, nothing bad mind you, the more disconnect I feel towards my JW relatives and friends. I find myself wanting to withdraw from them because their world and mine are so diametrically opposed to each other that the longer this goes on the bigger the whole thing could blow if and when I am "discovered"

  When I was simply not going to meetings and keeping a low profile it wasn't so bad, but now I celebrate some holidays and have different viewpoints, everytime I come into contact with witness friends and family it seems like the only thing keeping our worlds from colliding is a very thin line.

  Has anyone else experienced this?
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  undercover

  I have experienced what you describe to some degree though I have not experienced it with my family. Over time the feeling of wanting to withdraw has subsided though the disconnect is still there, will always be. I don't accept any of the faith anymore and when they attempt to live their life based on their beliefs, it collides with what I know and have experienced in the real world.

  I'm free enough from it that while the disconnect is there, I don't feel the need to pull away any longer. I am who I am and they can accept it or not. I have accepted who they are and I can deal with it to a certain degree. I don't have to hide though descretion is called for in certain matters.

  Some of them may avoid me now because they are indoctrinated to fear people like me, who leave or refuse to accept the Society's authority. And to be honest, for awhile I felt like I was shunning them because they were an obstacle to my freedom. But I've gotten beyond that enough that I can associate with them when the occasion arises, though as time has gone by, I am no longer included in anything. Only my JW family is my real contact with the JW world anymore.
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  wobble

  Ditto with Undercover, I seem to be saying that a lot lately, but he and I seem to have experienced much the same thing.

  The only thing that gets to me, but I hold my tongue, is that my sister, the oldest one, seems to assume that I still believe some of it, and she talks to me as though I was still a Dub.

  I think that in my case the disconnect is bigger than what it seems on the surface, I really don't feel close to my family anymore, it is just a kind of respect that makes me have dealings with them, respect for family as an institution, not to say that I do not feel love for them, but I now have nothing in common with there beliefs, way of life or their social circle, so there isn't much to talk about.

  I do not feel sad about this, I feel what Jesus said is true, I have gained brothers and sisters and Mothers (Mouthy) and Fathers on JWN so I have not lost out.

  Love

  Wobble
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  bythesea

  I can relate to what you describe and figure it kind of goes with the territory when we're faders. It was the worst the first year or so and now, 3-4 yrs down the road, I've come to be in a better place when around friends/family who are still active JW. I still attend a meeting now and then for the sake of the JW who is my mate, and attend most assemblies as it gives me an opportunity to usually see other family that would cut me off if I didn't attend! We seem to have a "don't ask - don't tell" policy for where I'm at on the J W scale.

  While I'm not longer a JW in any way shape or form in my thinking I still haven't gone off the deep end and I look for ways to still connect with family and friends...there is much more between us than our religious beliefs, I feel. Like you, I sometimes wonder what would happen if it all blew up but I just go on with my daily life and do pretty much what I want to and read what I want to (just keep it out of sight). I no longer feel such a disconnect as I did at the beginning, and try to show by my actions that my love for these JW people is what motivates me, not anybody telling me what I should be doing or believing in order to have them in my life. So far that's working.... Hang in there, it might get easier as time goes on.

  bythesea
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  whoknows

  My husband and I were fading for two years and during that time we had a few social encounters with jws who didn't seem to know that we no longer believed. They spoke to us like we were in the club. I found it extremely uncomfortable. I just could not longer handle the secret code language and holier than thou attitude towards the rest of humankind. Now we are df'd - so no problem!
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  AwSnap

  I can relate to what you're saying 100%
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  jwfacts

  I feel the same. Although I am disfellowshipped I still speak occasionally to a number of JW's, but find it very irritating. I am pleased that I am mostly shunned, even by family, as it is a lot easier than having to put up with listening to the objectionable beliefs and judgemental attitudes.
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  besty

  ditto - another tick in the box for getting DF'd if possible.
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  willyloman

  Perfectly natural order of events. Remember, the "fade" is not an end unto itself; it buys time to make new friends and develop interests. The goal is to get to the point where it doesn't matter what happens when they "discover" you've left the party.