Email From God/Funny Jokes

by ladonna 8 Replies latest social humour

ladonna

Found this on the net. Worth sharing
God's E-mail
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good. Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a second angel; to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time
too. When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said????
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
...........
............
You didn't get one either,.....huh?
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Errrrr......YK, what did yours say???
Make yourself at home...
One day a guy dies and, much to his chagrin, finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: Hey guy, why so sad?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell!
Satan: Ya know, Hell's not so bad! We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.
Guy: Gee, that sounds OK!
Satan: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember? HA!
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Satan: And I bet you like to gamble?!?
Guy: Well yeah, as a matter of fact I do.
Satan: 'Cos Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. Who cares if you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow!
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Satan: Eh?!? What'd I tell you?!? You, ah, you gay?
Guy: No...!
Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). You're not gonna like Fridays.
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Jesus the Savior
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the best programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God the Father as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows... JESUS SAVES."

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Ana
You know that you Know more than You Know? You know you know more, because You Know knows what you know;that much, you know.Anon
DannyBear

Ladonna,
You are one sick fluffy.
Bad as an unsolicited email? But your funny as hell? Laughable as a 'terminal error'? May Jesus 'save' you.
Bless you fluffyness.
BearLaughin
think41self

Ladonna,
Those were hilarious, thanks for sharing.
You know, hell doesn't sound like such a bad place.
think41self
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!
expatbrit

More than we needed to know, Tracy!
Expatbrit
Simon

ha ha ... love the "Jesus Saves" one.
ladonna

Hahaha, ah Danny Boy,
I used to only post serious stuff . Now it seems I am breaking out....Nah, I reckon a balance of the two is a sign of mental health. Sane, or insane? I haven't worked that out yet!
Think41----hehehehehe.....you need a spanking....FREE PEACE....[:O}
Expat, did I tell you too much about fun in hell?? ...no bananas?????
Simon.....all the PC wiz kidz have liked that one....wonder why
Ana..I'll find you all some more later..
You know that you Know more than You Know? You know you know more, because You Know knows what you know;that much, you know.Anon
ladonna

Ok.......here is some more
Confessional
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
The priest says, 'How many times?'
And the woman replies, 'Three.'
Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.'
'What did you do?'
‘I committed adultery.'
'How many times?'
'Three times.'
The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'
The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'
The woman replies, 'Once.'
The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'
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For you PC wiz kidz
[from http://thunder.indstate.edu/~hunters/humour/ms1995.html okay, it's an OLD one, but I still think it is funny! Somebody want to rewrite it for the next planned version of Windows???? ]
News Flash: MS Buys 1995
In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced instead by ``Year-M'' to be followed by actual 1995. ``Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule,'' Gates said. ``But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995.''
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to ``Bill Gates.'' A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of ``Year-M.'' Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into ``deity conglomerates.'' ``Gosh,'' said Gates. ``They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?''
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping. ``If we could just get some employees like that,'' Gates lamented, ``we would be able to ship Windows 95 on time.''
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from http://thunder.indstate.edu/~hunters/humour/666.html ]
The numbers are obtained by translating each character (letter, number, space, etc.) into its corresponding ASCII value.
It looks like well-known OS's fall into the same category:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
S Y S T E M 7 . 0
83+89+83+84+69+77+32+55+46+48 = 666
Coincidence? I think not!
The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where ``III'' means the order of third (3rd).
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B I L L G A T E S (III)
66+73+76+76+71+65+84+69+83+3 = 666 (!!!)
Some might ask, ``How did Bill Gates get so powerful?'' Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement? You decide!
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Ana
VeniceIT

ok here's one for ya!!!!
Young man goes to the Priest to confess his sin.
Young Man: Father I have sinned, I have commited fornication.
Priest: whith who?
YM: I cannot tell you
P: if you don't tell me I can't give you absolution
I can't tell you' the kid says
so the priest asks "was it Judy down the street'?
NO
ok Was it "Betty that fishermans daughter in the villiage'?
NO
was it "sally the young sailors widow"?
No he said No
I can't tell you who
well off with you then my son
so the kid comes out and talks to his friend
friend says 'So did you get absolution'?
he says 'NO
but I got 3 good leads
Ven
"Injustice will continue until those who are not affected by it are as outraged as those who are."
BoozeRunner

Another good one....you may have heard this one b4, but its a classc.
A woman is having sex with her lover when her son comes home early from school. She promptly puts the kid in the closet. Next, her husband arrives, so she puts her lover in the same closet.
Kid:Its dark in here.
Lover:So what?
Kid:I have a baseball-wanna buy it?
Lover:NO!!
Kid:My dads out there....
The lover relunctantly agrees to buy the baseball for $25.
Two weeks later, the scenario repeats itself, with the kid and lover once again in the closet.
Kid:Its dark in here.
Lover:What now???
Kid:I have a baseball glove.
Lover:(sensing extortion)How much?
Kid:$75
The lover agrees to buy the glove to avoid getting caught.
The following weekend, the father tells his son to get his ball and glove to go to the park to play catch.
The kid explains that he sold them for $100. The father is enraged, telling his son that the items did not cost that much, and he was ashamed that he took advantage of one of his friends like that.
"Son, I am taking you to church tomorrow, and you will have to confess to the priest."
The next day,as promised, the father takes him to church, and leads him to the confessional.
The boy goes inside, and exclaims:"Its dark in here."
The priest replies:"Dont start that shit again!!!"
Boozy

Email From God/Funny Jokes

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