May you have peace! I would like to respond, if I may - thank you!
I'm watching my teenage nephews while their mother is away at a funeral.
Good for you! The "cool" aunt!
I gave them chores to do last night that were to be completed today after school.
Sounds like a reasonable amount of time... assuming they were not required to remodel the place...
I told them if they don't have them done by 7pm tonight they lose their cell phones and computers and all video games and TV privileges for the weekend. They would also not be allowed to do any after school sports or activities tomorrow.
Wow. That much, eh? I mean... I'm thinkin' maybe they WERE supposed to remodel the kitchen after all. And the bathroom. And clean out the garage. I mean, what in the WORLD kind of chores come with that kind of restiction (i.e., virtually everything important to a teenager's life)?
I gave them clearly defined expectations and time lines.
Yes, but you did say they are teenagers, right? (vs. adults, many of whom can't/don't/won't live up to the "defined expectations and timelines" given them... and don't let me start on adult MEN and "chores"... 'cause that's a thread all unto itself...)
I also gave them consequences for not doing the chores.
Yep, pretty much everything they would ever want to do for the rest of the week... which, in their teenage minds, is the same as the rest of their LIVES...
I also lead by example by doing the dishes and cleaning the cat boxes.
I hate to burst your bubble, dear noni... but, again, you did say they were teenagers. And so the truth is, the fact that you're setting an example NOW... isn't probably gonna make that big of an impression. I mean, if they haven't been used to "defined expectations and timelines" all along, the fact that you're doing the dishes and emptying the catbox isn't really gonna change them much... if at all.
Time is almost up for the chores to be completed. They are working on them now. I'm done with mine until tomorrow morning when I have to take out the trash.
Ah, so it's a COMPETITION! May I ask, what were YOU going to have to give up if YOU didn't meet your own "defined expectations and timelines"?Just askin'...
I don't want mom to come home to a hot mess!!!
Why not? They're her kids, right... and so she knows what they're like. If they made a mess and didn't clean it, why not just let that be the reality? When she gets home and sees her house a "hot mess" she will know that HER children made it so... and didn't clean it up, right? (Although, Shelby wonders how it got like that in the first place - I mean, wasn't some cleaning going on all along? I would hate to think that you're one of those kinds of people who let mess build up... and then make the kids clean it up. I'm just sayin'...)
Of course, I know you probably don't care what I think, but just in case you do, here's my take: you approached this like a project manager at work. But these aren't your employees/co-workers - they're your nephews... and teenagers, at that. So, telling them to "clean or else"... isn't the easiest way to go. Nor is it the kindest. There is a better way. How? Well, first, you don't wait until the last minute, just before mom comes back, when the house is a wreck... and expect them to "jump to." Very few teenagers "jump to" just because they're told to... or threatened with "restrictions." The ones that do usually have Mr. High School Coach or Former US Marine for a dad (or mom). And so they're used to it - been that way from day one. I'm assuming that wasn't the case here, however, because I can't imaging that the house would'a got wrecked to being with or, if so, that you even have to ask them to clean up. THEY know mom (or dad).
An easier way to deal with teenagers is, IMHO, to just ask. Seriously. As if they are reasonable persons who really can think. Because they can... when they WANT to. And ask seriously. For example, "Look, Timmy/Tommy, the place is a wreck, as you can see. But I need your help to clean it up before your mom gets home. I really don't want her to come back and think I don't have a lick of sense and let you guys just run rampant (although, okay, I did - but we had a blast, didn't we?!!). Anyway, if your mom comes back and see the place like this, we most probably won't ever be able to hang out again. You'll never have another break like this (you know, where you got to eat fast food... and in the living roomm too!... and stay up all night, etc.). So, help me... please... (and yes, you should always say please - particularly if you are "setting an example")... keep my good reputation with your mom. Let's get this place cleaned up by, say, tomorrow night and, in return, next time I might let you have some friends over (if you didn't already do that this time). I'll do the dishes and the... and you guys clean the... and the... Deal?"
What is the benefit of this approach? Well, first, you get their BUY IN. Teenagers really hate hypcocrisy... and people who don't keep their word. If, then, they've AGREED to help you... then THEY'VE made the decision... rather than just being told what to do... as if they're babies (not to say they're not... but they certainly don't think they are). Also, rather than saying, "If you DON'T, you WON'T get [to do/go/have/use] someting," you're saying, "If you DO... you WILL get [to do/go/have/use] something." And trust me, there really a difference between don't/can't/won't and do/can/will... with teenagers. With all kids, actually. Heck, with most people in general.
Again, you have every right to disregard what I'm offering here... but I've raised teenagers, who brought home quite a few friends who were having "problems" with their parents. I can't even count how nany. And it almost always came down to the same thing: "He/she won't LET me..." whatever. When teenagers here "You can't..." they shut down. And they shut you... out.
I bid you peace!
SA, on her own... sort of...
