From an ex-Mormon board: (Sound familiar?)
I have been a member all my life. I am 32 years old. I hate to admit it, but I have never believed in the things the church tells us we must believe in. Joseph Smith, The Church is True, Prophets, Book of Mormon etc, etc. And as scary as it is for me to say it out loud, I have never believed in God. As much as I have tried to believe, it has never happened.
I do believe in being a good person and many of the positive teachings of the church. But I also know that if I left the church my entire family would disown me. I know that some of you would respond to that by saying if they truly loved you they would accept your decision. As true as that may be, I know they would never accept it and would hound me for years. I feel so TRAPPED.
It seems so weird to say that I feel like a prisoner in my religion. I am very involved in the church and wish I wasn't. The time I spend on callings, meetings, activities, etc.......I could be spending with my family. Something doesn't seem right about that.
I just told my husband how I feel and I knew I could because he feels the same way. He has been playing the game for the past 10 years just to mame me happy. He knows what would happen if my parents and family knew the way we felt. So I guess I was really admitting it to myself and not him. It was so scary to say it aloud. But I felt a sense of relief. I just don't know what to do next. All I know is that I don't want my children to grow up with the stress of being LDS.
I never felt good enough or happy about my life. The church makes us feel like we have so much to improve on. I think it is time I realize the good person that I am. But I know the minute I leave the church, my phone will be ringing off the hook, people will be coming to my door and everyone will seem so confused as to why I made this awful decision. Because I played the part of a good LDS woman well. Noone would ever know that I don't believe. And that makes me wonder how many other people are good actors like me.
I wish someone out their had the answer, but I know that there may not be one. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for the opportunity to share what has been in my heart for years.