Fighting a losing battle

NiceDream

That's what I've been feeling lately!

I've seen the light that the "truth" isn't the truth, but my husband is an avid believer. Unfortunately I realized this after we had a baby. I guess being a stay at home Mom gave me waaaaaaaaaaaay too much time to think and research things on the Internet.

So, that's me in a nutshell. This site has helped me so much. There are so many thought provoking questions on here that have helped me realize this isn't "the truth."

Is anyone else married to a believer? Is it possible to fade and still have a spouse in the org?

Judge Dread

Yes and yes.

Judge Dread

Black Sheep

Is it possible to fade and still have a spouse in the org?

I am still married to the Anglican that I introduced to the cult.

I faded after 1975, but I wasn't baptised. I wasn't an Apostate either. Things have changed.........

If it isn't too late......... which it often is by the time a newbie posts here..........

You need to do whatever it takes to get your family to leave while still believing that you are a believing, but intelligent and questioning, JW in good standing.

Ideally, you should be the last to leave.

I wish I had an easier option to offer.

(((((NiceDream)))))

Chris

NiceDream

"You need to do whatever it takes to get your family to leave while still believing that you are a believing, but intelligent and questioning, JW in good standing. Ideally, you should be the last to leave."

This sounds like the path I need to take. I got my husband to read part of "Gentile Times Reconsidered," but he ignored all the evidence to favor what the society says (how the 70 years applies only to Jerusalem to fulfill their sabbath years). Unfortunately I'm not as indoctrinated as he is, so I have trouble debating with him.

I don't think I could force myself back out in the ministry though!

Mickey mouse

When I first came here my husband was a believer.

Now he's not.

Take it slowly.

70-Years-Of-Servatude

Hello Nice Dream- I'm working quietly in a semi active way to help my wife and other family members see the flaws one at a time. Find out anything that your husband doesn't fully understand and research it. Come here and ask questions there are some really helpful people here that can provide links to info it would take days to find for yourself. I have been using links from here to the WTS own literature that I can then pull up from my CD-ROM to show them without using the scary apostate forum. Keep working.

70

OnTheWayOut

Is anyone else married to a believer? Is it possible to fade and still have a spouse in the org?

Yes and yes.

First off, I don't automatically agree that "you should be the last to leave" the WT organization. If you are able to sit through all the crap then you can do this. I don't automatically disagree anymore, either. It sounds great on paper, but it involves things that your own mind might not be able to cope with beyond a few months or longer.

But everyone is different. Once I realized things, it was a snowball rolling down the side of a mountain. Oh, I managed to keep quiet enough to fade but I couldn't keep sitting through meetings and going out in recruiting.

Anyway, I will tell you my thoughts, but my success in marriage rests highly in my wife's ability to compartmentalize these things. She doesn't spy for WTS. She feels that my spirituality is between me and Jehovah or between me and the Watchtower or whatever. She is disturbed by my course, but loves me and knows that I care about what's best for us.

But otherwise, I had to make attempts at freeing her mind, then I had to taper off. I had to respect her right to go to the KH as she respected my right not to go. I still reach her through efforts at seeing and hearing from her non-cult personality. I make her think for herself and I give comments in discussions that seem radical to a JW, but still make her think. Get RELEASING THE BONDS; EMPOWERING PEOPLE TO THINK FOR THEMSELVES from Amazon or freeminds.org or freedomofmind.com. THe book will help you to see how to talk to cult members and how to reach them. I cannot do things the "Christian" way (replacing WTS with some other religion) but I also recommend HOW TO RESCUE YOUR LOVED ONES FROM THE WATCHTOWER by David Reed. (Amazon or just google it)

If JW's were just another religion, I would be okay with no effort at all to free her mind. But I view JW's as being heroine addicts. I managed to find a method to get off the drug and my wife is still hooked. I cannot abandon her for being something that (a) she was when we married (b) I was at one time or (c) something beyond her powers. I love my wife and I will stay with her and (as I am able) help her with her addiction.

The analogy isn't perfect. Being a JW is just like being a Catholic in that she has the right to be one and I should be respectful of her beliefs, then it is just like being a drug addict as mentioned above. SO sometimes I have to say something and other times I have to be respectful. It would be more like she is a drug addict that is 100% certain that she is handling the drugs properly (as if there were a way).

Anyway, get the books. Cost is not a factor when dealing with these people we love.

undercover

The analogy isn't perfect. Being a JW is just like being a Catholic in that she has the right to be one and I should be respectful of her beliefs, then it is just like being a drug addict as mentioned above. SO sometimes I have to say something and other times I have to be respectful.

I like your imperfect analogy...

To gain their respect for your new beliefs (or non-beliefs) then you have to respect their beliefs. You can't constanly harp on the stuipidity of the WTS and expect them to listen to serious misgivings. But at the same time, you don't want to be an enabler to them feeding their drug habit, so when you see the oppurtunity to point out something that could cause them to ponder, you have to take it.

And with JWs it is not always a two way street. Don't expect them to treat you as fairly as you treat them...they're indoctrinated to distrust all negativity toward their beliefs. That's another reason to tread lightly. Chip away a little at a time.

But as long as they want to believe, they're going to. You can only hope that some little thing you say or something they experience jolts them into a position of questioning. Once they themselves start questioning then you can have some open dialog.

Desilusionnee

Hi NiceDream,
As you know I am in a similar situation. My husband still believes in the 607 WT explanations. I hope I’ll get CoC soon…I don’t give up. Please don’t. I just have the luck that I was the one "pushing" to go to the ministry (I think he hates it) or to have every meeting being prepared, daily scripture read so I think he will fade without seeing it (I hope). We did not prepare one single meeting since 2,5 weeks. That really a long time for me/us!!!!

But during and after the meeting of today my husband was upset about the argumentation against mother day he told me that it was a little bit farfetched and he doesn’t agree with it. On the way home, we also discussed about the lantern festival and I told him that our daughter could go next year as we didn’t find anything against it while doing some research last falling season. He agreed that she could go. But he still believes it’s the truth. Yesterday, he told me that if only 1% is wrong and the remaining 99% is ok, there is no better path. I didn’t protest. I just let it be. He will understand sooner or later…

Please excuse the mistakes as English is not my mother language...

Desi

NiceDream

I appreciate everyone's great advice.

OTWO - I really appreciated your point about how you can't abandon your wife because you no longer believe. And I agree that I need to be respectful in how I approach things, and lay off when needed. My mind is very black and white, so I need to control my emotions better! I will check those books out too. It sounds like there is no easy solution, but you need to keep trying and eventually they might come around.

undercover - Excellent points! Being respectful but not an enabler, exposing things when an opportunity arrises. I was able to do this when my husband was stating how the end is so close because of all the earthquakes. I calmly told him I looked up the data and was surprised that the statistics really aren't that bad. He didn't believe me, but looked it up himself and saw that they weren't! Hope that little seed will grow.

Desi - I struggled with service for years, and eventually we stopped going. Maybe you could plan a fun outing for your family on Saturday and see what happens? We haven't prepared for meetings or read the Daily Text for over a year! To me, my husband doesn't seem too "spiritual," but he doesn't question anything. Take it slow! I made the mistake of coming on too strong, and now I have to patch things up and lay low for awhile.

And that's great your husband tells you he doesn't agree with things. I hope my husband will someday too. And I would have never guess that English wasn't your mother language.

Fighting a losing battle

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