REUTERS - April 1st, 2015, New York
CULTS MERGE IN A $10 BILLION TRANSACTION
The cults known as "Jehovah's Witnesses" and "Scientology" announced on Wednesday their merger.
Observers on both religions are shocked.
"I can't believe that they would do that! I mean, our beliefs are so different!! They believe in some space god, and we believe in the only true God, Jehovah!", said Michael Spencer, a Jehovah's Witness from Iowa.
Both PR reps in both religions tried to appease their followers by trying to point out the benefits:
J.R. Brown, from the Jehovah's Witnesses, said: "What our dear brothers and sisters must see, is that this is a blessing from Jehovah. Now we have even more ways of shunning, and even more words to add to the pure language! For example, before we only had disfellowshipping, now we have disconnection! We only had the words "apostate" and "Bethel", now we have "supressive person" and the "SEA Org"!"
Although David Miscaviege, the director of the Scientologists, is very happy about the merger, he said there were some challenges ahead.
"We had to get rid of the Governing Body. It was too many leaders, it is best if I run this show. But no worries, they all have wonderful compensation packages, close to $100M each. We also fired the legal team of the Witnesses... They suck!! I mean, losing the Candace Conti case? Our lawyers won against the U.S. Government! Also, we are going to get rid of other useless departments such as their PR department. Brown doesn't know."
Only one Governing Body member spoke, on condition of anonymity.
"Many people will be shocked. I know. We even chose the day right, April 1st, normally called April's Fools, to mess around with people's heads. They won't know if it's a joke or not".