Hi, everyone,
Here's the next installment on my journey out of the Organization.
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But at the same time there were some far more serious aspects of the situation.
I was, after all, disfellowshipped. Usually this is a good indication that there is something wrong with one’s heart condition. I viewed this as not merely possible, but as highly probable, for I have trusted this organization for most of my life to give me the truth. Therefore I felt strongly that I must expend considerable effort to finding out if that is the case. In turn, if it is, then I had to know where the error was and how it came to be. If I did not do that and came back into the organization without making such a determination, the problem would only be solved temporarily. Somewhere down the line it would crop up again. In other words, if my heart condition was bad, I had to know what to fix.
But there was something far more serious than this. I felt strongly that there was an injustice here and I had seen many other injustices. Could it be that this is not Jehovah’s organization after all? Could it be that I have been misled into following falsehood all of my life and even taught this falsehood to my children and misled them even as I have been? I didn’t think so, but the possibility was so horrible to contemplate that I knew I could not go further without knowing for sure.
Keep in mind here that there was some fairly strong evidence that this could be the case. Let’s take one of the most obvious ones as an instance. We at one time were taught, yes, taught that Armageddon was going to come in 1975. I remember in one meeting that everyone was laughing because we were told that the Society had bought insurance only through that year. Sure, I know that some would dispute whether or not we were ‘taught’ this, but the fact remains that we were to expect something to occur in October of that year, this was being ballyhooed everywhere, and the Society was fully aware of it. Never did they contradict it nor disavow being the source of it. Of course, 1975 was much the same as all other years with little significance of its own.
Now this put us all between a rock and a hard spot. On the one hand we have the Society that we all love and trust that has made a prophecy that did not come true. On the other hand we are nearly all familiar with the scripture at Deuteronomy 18: 22; “ . . . when the prophet speaks in the name of Jehovah and the word does not occur or come true, that is the word that Jehovah did not speak. With presumptuousness the prophet spoke it. You must not get frightened at him.”
Yes, I am familiar with the excuse that went around later; that what was said about 1975 was never official because it was never published in the Watchtower. I am also familiar with the article ascribing this problem to wishful thinking on the part of some on the Society’s governing body and of their intense disappointment later. However, I am also aware that all of the hairsplitting and emotional explanations in the world make no difference. A prophecy was made. It failed. It takes no lawyer to figure out the meaning of that scripture in Deuteronomy. There is no leeway in it.
So, if this is Jehovah’s organization, there has got to be an explanation here as to how it could be in spite of that failed prophecy. That answer has to deal up front with the specifics, and not consist of vague evasions and picayune points of law.
This in turn led directly to another question that I hated. Is Jehovah’s way the right way in the first place? Detesting it though I did, I knew it had to be answered. Otherwise, I would be building on sand, and not the rock mass.
Thus it came about that eventually there were four monumental questions that forced their way to the forefront of all the chaos in my heart. (I say heart here because at the time there was no way that I could have put all this in words. It has taken many years to find those words.) Those questions were:
1. Do I have a bad heart and if so, in what way?
2. Is this truly Jehovah’s organization, or have I been deceived?
3. Is Jehovah’s way the right way to begin with?
4. And hovering over all of the above was the intense feeling that there was an opportunity here of incomprehensible immensity. But where? And how do I meet it?
I’m an analytical cuss, I guess. While in high school I took all the math courses I could get my hands on, including Plane, Solid, and Analytical Geometry. My grades weren’t high but I learned much. The careful statement of hypotheses and the step-by-step proofs in the lessons felt right to me. I have used this method ever since to analyze and solve the problems in life, and it has never let me down.
And so it was here. I had already divided the problem into its various components as listed above, so the next step should be tackling each of them one at a time. I did, and it went something like this:
1. Do I have a bad heart? This looked like a rough one at first because even scripture declares: “The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?” Jeremiah 17: 9. But as I continued to examine the question I came to realize that I didn’t really need to do much searching on my own because there was one individual in this universe that would love to take me right to it. Yup. Old Satan would just love that. Indeed, upon further reflection, I realized that I wasn’t the only one interested. This, our heart condition, is the very core of that heavenly court case I was writing about a few pages ago. As such, every spirit creature in existence would have a deep and abiding interest in it. Satan and his followers for the reason that their continued existence depends upon our substantiating his allegations, and all the rest of them because they want to see Jehovah cleared, the hullabaloo over and for Satan, et al., to get their just desserts.
Of course, if I were to have Satan show me where my heart condition was bad, I would have to give him the opportunity. I couldn’t do that and be “safe” at the same time.
2. Is this Jehovah’s organization? The question as to whether I could be deceived or not was easy. Heck, yes, I could be. I’m not the most brilliant guy in the whole world. But who is doing the deceiving here?
I had a disadvantage though, when it comes to answering this question. I was raised in the Truth and had always tried to stick close to it. As a result, I didn’t have anything else to compare it with. I needed more knowledge. Thus it seemed that the answer to this question lay in the same direction as the one above. I had to allow myself to be exposed to that which I had been told were Satan’s blandishments.
3. Is Jehovah’s way the correct way? It seems these days that every monkey and his grandma are all claiming to be God’s only true servant and that what they teach is the only true way. The rest all seem to have their own pet philosophies that they teach with equal fervency. But all, whether they believe in God or not, have one thing in common. They all believe that they are more glorious, more intelligent, more holy, in short: just all around ‘more better’ than anyone else. How does one go about determining the truth in the midst of all this cacophony?
The scripture at Luke 19: 39, 40 came to mind. “However, some of the Pharisees from the crowd said to him: ‘Teacher, rebuke your disciples.’ But in reply he said: ‘I tell you, If these remained silent, the stones would cry out.’” I sensed there was an answer here. Go to the things created. Exactly how to go about it I did not know yet.
4. Is there an opportunity here? Every bone in me was screaming that there was and that I was very close to finding it. It had to have something to do with the giving of an answer. I felt like a cat stalking a bird, with his tail twitching and lower jaw quivering. I sensed though that it would be unnecessary for me to search these things out. They would be coming to me, and all I had to do is meet them head on.
(To Be Continued)
LoneWolf