JW guilt!

by shan 7 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  shan

  This is a first time for me discussing this with anyone other than my husband or very close friends. Bear with me, this is years of confusion. Please do not judge this to be negative to JW.

  I am 29 & was raised a JW from the time I was born. Everyone in my family was a JW, and most of them still are. My mother is very active in her religion. I respect that it makes her happy. JW is not for me. This makes my mother unhappy- she tells me often. There in lies one of my problems. How can I make her understand? Is it possible? I feel like my family share this special bond that I am not allowed to be a part of, and that hurts even though I know they love me. Sometimes I think that if I where to become a JW my family would except me and love me more, and then my rational side would jump to my rescue to remind me that withholding love isn't Christian anyway. Will there ever be an even balance? I am seeking what is right for me, and this is such a dissappiontment to the people that I love the most. The emptiness that lays in my heart is deep for, I'm starting to believe that it is hopeless for me to maintain a relationship with my family if I am to discover who I am! How do we choose? My family is part of who I am, if I lose that I'd lose a part of me. On the otherhand if I don't let go I'll never know how great I could be. I am pruned in guilt!! Is there anyone who is where I am? Do they have support groups for people like me? I feel like I am all alone in this thing. It is very hard for someone who was not raised in this fashion to comprehend the guilt that is dumped on you for having a mind of your own. Is there a way to overcome, and prevail without losing loved ones?

  Any & all comments are welcomed. Thank you for listening.

  I have failed to mention that mom left the Jw when I was around 11, when parents split up. Mom is back with renewed vigor. I never came back.
• 

  metatron

  You are NOT alone!

  Most of us here have to endure the troubles you speak about.

  Take it slow - tell 'em you're depressed (true, isn't it?)
  Gradually drift away and quietly get involved in more
  productive pursuits of life. Don't get involved trying to
  fight their stupid beliefs - just discreetly withdraw.
  Occasionally, as the opportunity arises, you may point
  out flaws in the 'system' - especially those that involve
  a lack of love and compassion in the organization.

  to thine own self be true

  metatron
• 

  Carmel

  Shan,

  I know of few JWs that were born into it and tried to leave that didn't experiance the same gut wrenching feelings you are going through. Take it from one who has walked that walk, I have no regrets for having sacraficed my controlling, conditional loving mother and family for the freedom to become whatever I chose to be. If you can get a copy of Covey's books on Emotional Intelligence, read one and it will give you solice. Beyond that, this place is one of the best support groups you can find as there are many in your situation as well as many who have worked beyond it to varriing degrees.

  My thoughts are with you. May you find the strength within to deal with the pain.

  Carmel
• 

  Francois

  Shan, I have maintained for years that being a father, or mother, sister, brother, cousin, whatever is more than a genetic relationship. Let's take "father" for instance. There's more to being a father than the contribution of half a person's genetic material. Any animal can do that. Being a real father is a role that someone adopts, and adopts for life. Accepting and adopting that role means love without condition for your children, being there for your offspring whenever they need you - for emotional support, for access to a more adult wisdom from a longer life, sometimes for money, at other times to help pick up a child of any age when they've fallen and helping brush them off and stand them back up on their own two feet, encouragement and guideance in life's troubled times. All these things and more, much more, go into making a father. And there are roles for mother, for sister and brother, aunts, uncles - you name it...and for daughter, and for son.

  If you're not playing the role, you're not fitting the mold. If you contribute half a person's genetic material, whether as father or mother, but you don't do all these other things - then you're not a father or a mother.

  I see your problem as you attempting to play your role as loving daughter, loving without condition. And you're playing to an empty house. Your parents, your family, seem to have abandonded their roles in your life in favor of their attachment to a man-made organization. Think of it like being the member of a club. If you don't pay the dues, you can't be a member. Abandoning, in essence, your children, withholding your love from them because of your preference for a man-made organization disqualifies you as a parent. Sad but true.

  I faced the same thing. My friends are my family now. And I'm much happier for it. I can count on them. I couldn't count on my "parents." They weren't parents anyway. They didn't fulfill their roles. They failed. Their agape, their unconditional love, was full of conditions; conditions like "you gotta go to the KH; you gotta be a witness; you gotta get in your 10 hours; you're an accomplished speaker - you gotta give talks; you gotta do this, you gotta do that, you gotta do this other thing.

  Take a deep breath. Realize you don't have real parents. Move on. Find really good friends. Make them your family.

  Best wishes for your future,

  Francois
• 

  Prisca

  Shan, I was brought up as a JW from birth, so I know what it's like.

  My advice is to try to live your own life. Don't tell your mum things that may upset her, like you spent the night at your boyfriend's house, or that you smoke, etc. Be firm about your lifestyle decisions, and believe in yourself.

  It is hard to break away, but I was a 3rd generation JW, and you do learn that there's a whole new world out there. Keep showing your mum love, but be aware that ultimately we all have to live with ourselves and our decisions.

  My email is open if you wish to write.
• 

  Marilyn

  Francois, following on from your comments - how often do we see parents either on current affairs programs or in movies (Holy Smoke was one) who are panicked about their kids getting involved in a cult. Of course it can be the other way around and the affect is the same. Loved ones panic because when their family members get involved in cults they inevitably take second place... some times tenth place. Their loved ones become remote or distant. Besides all the rot they expound, which is annoying in itself, I think it's the loss of the close bond that is so frightening.

  Shan, my sister's daughter is in the same position as you. She is only 18 and raised in a very one eyed witness family - her father is presiding overseer. I know what you are getting at because I've seen the same thing with my niece. I even wanted to make a home for her with us but that would have emotionally destroyed my sister who is still hopeful of getting her daughter back into the religion. My niece left home first time at age 16. It breaks my heart to see her situation. She has a humble job and lives alone in a small, cold rented flat. She is still so young and she has no roll models to learn from. If she tries to draw close to her mother, it eventually comes back to *the truth* and intolerence over her life style. Yet where else can she turn when she is lonely or sick or when she's made a botch up of things? It's so tuff to be alone at such a young age. It's a tragedy! My kids are still living at home at ages 24 and 22 - and if anything I stiffle them with over-protection and concern. I'm begining to learn that my way isn't all that useful either. Life is very complicated and even if you had 'normal' parents who gave you what you wanted - it probably wouldn't be as perfect as you imagine it would be.

  I think I might have some useful advice for you. It's based on my own situation of having been disfellowshipped for apostasy over 20 yrs ago. I love my parents very much and I've continued to love them thru thick and thin. I believe you have to continue showing them that even without Jehovah's Witnesses you are a good, loving, helpful, concerned daughter who is always there for them. Even if they aren't always there for you - you will be surprised that after a few years of doing the right thing by them, they will catch on to what a truly wonderful daughter you are. You know I've been wishing my parents happy birthday for 20 years and guess what? The last couple of years it's been recipicated! They have seen how concerned I've always been for their welfare and how generous I am with them and basically I'm a better person to them than their JW offspring.

  It takes endless patience to do this. I never knew I could be so patient. Even though I'm an athiest I've always considered that scripture in Corinthians which says Love Never Fails. It hasn't failed me - I've recieved back rich emotional dividens from my parents - though it's not always been smooth sailing.

  One other thing. The fact that you are concerned about your relationship shows that your parents did ok by you. They must have been good enough parents to instill a strong family bond in you. They will always put the religion first because they don't know any better - but I feel that if you go about it right, you can be part of their life and remain true to yourself.

  I so wish you well.
  marilyn
• 

  flower

  shan,

  i struggle with many of the same issues right now. i'm 29 and was born and raised in the 'truth' as well. i recently told my mom that i didnt believe the truth was the truth anymore. i only told her a couple of questions about policies but i didnt even get to any of the real issues. she got upset and we havent discussed it or anything else since. the limited relationship that we had is and will probably continue to be nonexistant.

  but you know what? i know that i have to do this. i have to move on with my life and do what is right for me and my son. i wont apologize to her or anyone for breaking free from the cult and getting on with my life. i think i deserve it after being unhappy for so long.

  i wont try to get my mom to believe the things that i know are true about the organization. not right now anyway. but i also wont hide my feelings anymore from he and my family. if they want to say i am possesed by satan and have been influenced by evil apostates then thats fine. but i think once i get my life together and they see how happy and healthy my little boy is and how fullfilling my life is they will know otherwise.

  right now i am losing whats left of my family but thats ok. i am also gaining family cause i have family members outside the org that i havent had much contact with that i hope to one day.

  you never know what the future holds..maybe one day my mom will listen to doubts and start asking hard questions about the org. maybe your mom will slowly start to understand that you have to do what you have to do.

  for now dont worry about your family disappointment. they are not thinking like people at all, they think like JW's. and jw's are only allowed to think what the society says its ok to think.

  you may never find a balance between your jw family and your life. keep hope alive but dont worry too much about it. maybe with time and a eye opening experience my mom and your mom will see the real 'new light'.

  take care.

  flower
• 

  ozboy77

  I know its easier said than done, but dont let the guilt destroy you.
  I have a friend who is going through the same thing.
  Its horrible to watch someone whos crushed.
  Try and Keep happy,
  It will work out.

  David