Some days it's a sense of almost temporal displacement--perhaps the belief that someone went back in time and changed something, so that this moment is not what it was meant to be. Other days it's a literal displacement, waking up alone, since I move too much in my sleep and it became clear that I should sleep separately from my wife.
Anyway, I feel this odd, hollow sense of sadness. The holidays are coming around once more. I missed my chance to buy up all the post-Halloween value candy before they set up the Christmas stuff, but then, the stores are pretty fast about getting rid of that stuff, aren't they? Thing is, I don't know anything about holidays. I've not celebrated anything since my 4th birthday, and I'm 28 now. I understand that pagan idol worship is no longer associated with any of these holidays and besides, why listen to JWs about that anyway? You would think people were stabbing their children, eating their hearts and tossing them into the oven on Christmas or Thanksgiving.
There are moments when I want to be involved in that sort of thing, maybe go to the office holiday party or something, but...I feel this sadness whenever I think about it. Is that odd?
Of course, mostly I'm working on forgiveness. I have to forgive my wife for turning me in to the elders. After all, according to her belief system, she was doing the right thing. And even if it was misguided, it took courage on her part. I would never have done that even as a believing JW, since I just didn't buy into the informant system personally. I couldn't imagine the responsibility of putting someone in a position of being cut off from all family and friends. I always felt that confession was a personal duty, to be done at a time and place of one's own choosing; after all, if God is real, doesn't he already know? Only human law enforcement systems ought to require you to confess, I would think.
For me, I always felt that...if someone I cared about had evidence that I was not in the true religion, especially if it was evidence found in my own literature, I would have to give them a thorough hearing. Such a suggestion is no minor matter, after all. It's one thing when it's discussed in general terms in our publications, but another when it's right there, in your life. But I was always more open-minded anyway, always a thinker.
But I also feel that...even the Watchtower Society needs to be forgiven. Hating them will solve nothing. I see that now. In a way, it's like Batman vs. the Joker. You've got the Joker in your hands, and you know he'll die laughing. Killing him might save a lot of lives, but it's what he wants. He wants you to be more like him, a monster, a killer. If you cross that line, he'll have the last laugh. Lock him away, defeat him again and again, and you get to show everyone that you're nothing like him. That you stand for something better. And him...he doesn't even know what he stands for. He's in an illusion, a twisted version of reality and there's no way to get him out of it. Just don't let him trap you in that illusion and have you start believing that his chaos and evil is fair and right.
As for the Society, the Bible is the final authority, and it alone could be used to prove them wrong, and yet it's even better to know that their own literature proves them wrong. So? Let them be wrong, if they wish. Let it go. Forgive. Hate and anger won't make my life better.
Headed for the first anniversary with my wife. Things have been tough, especially some parts of the past 2-3 months, but I think there's been a lot of progress. Communication goes a long way, and I guess I hadn't been willing to trust her. Forgiveness is the first step on that road. And you know, even if things had gone south, or do go south in the future and I lose her, every moment of it would have been worth it for me. I never really stopped loving her; I just let so much anger and hurt get in the way. I've written or thought a lot of angry things about her, far too many on here, in the past, far too many in my journal as well, but those things are just moments, snapshots of a much bigger life, full of so many unspoken, positive events and so many possibilities. And with those possibilities, there is hope.
Who knows? There may yet be a chance she will wake up, too. After all, she did read my journal, which is like reading apostate literature in itself.
Anyway, I just...I still don't feel right about holidays, and well, maybe it's just seeing that movie 'Obsessed' with the scene from the holiday party, but I doubt my wife would be thrilled if I attended one, and obviously I couldn't take her with me to such an event, so I'd much rather not go. (Thankfully, there are no psychotic blond women who used to be on 'Heroes' at my job, so that's helpful, too.) Besides, I get really scared during social events and can't interact with people. Which is ironic, because I was usually great at public speaking. Anyway, I don't suppose I'm asking for any ideas, just...throwing thoughts out there. I've tried to be sparing on details so as not to spark any trouble. Take care.
-sd-7