Theological exposé of the realm of DEMONS - the GARAGE!

by Nathan Natas 8 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    A person buys a lamp at a local store.

    The lamp won't talk to him or fly about the room, so he decides to sell the worthless piece of junk at a GARAGE SALE.

    A JW buys the lamp, takes it home, and it immediately begins speaking to her in the foulest form of backwards Latin she has ever heard, and as it does so it flies around the room, repeatedly making bombing runs at her head. This JW, however is fully equipped with the spiritual suit of armor and calls upon Jehovah Trismegistus ("Jehovah, Jehovah, JEHOVAH!") and the lamps explodes into harmless ceramic shards. The demon is gone.

    The clay that was poured into a mold at the factory was not demonized.

    The glaze that was applied to the unfinished lamp was not demonized.

    The wiring and lamp hardware that was used to build the lamp was not demonized.

    The lamp displayed no evidence of demons until it was brought into the home of the JW who made the mistake of buying it.

    But the demon could not have come from the JWs home, because it is protected by Jehovah's magic spirit and two big strong invisible angels.

    We must conclude, therefore, that the demons discovered the lamp and took residence in it while it was in the GARAGE, thus, GARAGES are the REALM OF DEMONS.

    Scary, eh kids? OWWWwwwwoooo!

    Faithfully serving our reigning King together with you,

    Brother Floyd, Watchtower Exorcism Committee

  • sabastious
    sabastious

    10/10

    would read again.

    -Sab

  • sabastious
    sabastious

    Does this lamp weigh as much as a duck?

    -Sab

  • Finally-Free
    Finally-Free
    This JW, however is fully equipped with the spiritual suit of armor and calls upon Jehovah Trismegistus ("Jehovah, Jehovah, JEHOVAH!") and the lamps explodes into harmless ceramic shards.

    Is the cord still ok? My bird chewed the crap out of my lamp's cord and I need another one. I've been waiting for a garage sale, but I didn't see any in my neighbourhood this year.

    W

  • agonus
    agonus

    Yeah, for all the Watchtower's talk about deeminz deeminz deeminz, why the hell is it you've never heard of a Watchtower exorcism? Why aren't JW elders trained to exorcise tha deeminz if they're so goddamned dangerous?

  • unshackled
    unshackled

    Good one Nathan. Love the "Jehovah Trismegistus"!

    Funny you mention a lamp from a garage sale. My best friend growing up had this exact problem (allegedly)...got a lamp from a garage sale, had some bad dreams, claims he seen a dark shadowy figure in his room. Demons! They throw out the lamp. Problem solved!

    He's a fringe JW now but still staunchly believes it is the "truth". Funny thing is in a conversation last year he still mentioned that demon incident and it is the reason why he believes in "the truth"...because, and I quote "I've seen Satan". I say "wow...really...you've SEEN Satan?" He says "well one of his demons anyways."

  • unshackled
    unshackled

    Does anyone remember that Watchtower from the 80s that about Spiritism and was full of demon stories? It was the cover story. If I recall, it was mainly about stories from Africa...a lady was possessed and the demons were making her stomach bloat or something. And other incidences involving physical harm.

    If anyone has that or a link please share, it would be fun to read again.

  • cognizant dissident
    cognizant dissident

    She was probably just lactose intolerant. The demons get the blame for everything!

  • thenoblelodge
    thenoblelodge

    Cog

    She was probably just lactose intolerant. The demons get the blame for everything!

    Good one

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