I am new here, so I felt that I should share my experience, my thoughts, my feelings and my total and complete change of heart.
I have posted bits and pieces about me and what happened, here is the whole story.
I was born into the religion from 1 parent that was born into it as well and another that was brought in as a child, I did as I was instructed to do. I was punished when I made my parents look bad at the Kingdom Hall, I was taken outside and spanked as a child for falling asleep at the forever long and drawn out boring meetings. It really drove the nail home that I was insignificant when I would see and hear my father asleep and snoring after he had not 'spared the rod', who was going to take him outside and punish him? I sat there in silence and day dreamed of a real life. With friends and a Christmas tree and not having to be different. I hated being alienated at school. I hated the looks and the questions. I felt like a leper and an outcast (who knew that it was only the beginning of that feeling). At school I had to go to the library while all the kids celebrated all the holidays. I had to stand there with my hand at my side and head down as all the kids saluted the flag. I was the quiet and shy girl that had to stay separate from all the worldy wiles that would try to drag me away.
I never once felt an overwhelming love for Jehovah or his chosen people who knew they were in the "truth" and they were the only people that mattered to God. He doesn't listen to any non-believers prayers. I honestly did feel some pride in that....I mean WOW - God only hears his witnesses, that's like pretty stinkin special, right?
I get to my teenage years, still trudging along doing as I should. Putting on the face of a good upstanding Jehovah's Witness. All through high school I was a good girl. I never did wrong. No skipping school, no sneaking out, no boys...Hell when I was 18 I still didn't know how you had sex. I mean I knew about the parts (thanks 10th grade health class) but I had no idea how it worked. It's not like I could sit down with my parents and ask...umm no way! I would have been told to go and read the Young People Ask book...again.
Now is when it gets tricky, if you are a teen of a certain age and you haven't made the steps to get baptized - you have everyone looking at you, judging you. They want to know why you haven't made the decision. I'm sure they are wondering if their tactics are waning and they need to tighten down and perhaps start to use electric shock therapy at the meetings.
What I still don't understand is that you are supposed to wait until you are past the bloom of youth to make the decision of getting married, but while is the "bloom of youth" you better dedicate your life to Jehovah....
But I digress - I had a boy that I was interested in, we liked each other for years. It was all pretty innocent....some making out, some groping but it never went any farther. It was getting serious - oh young love...*gag*. It was young lust. I wanted to have sex...and to have sex as a JW you have to be married. But I had to be baptized first so that I could be wedded in the KH. My parents weren't going to fork out the money for me to be married else where, when all I had to do was sell my soul to Jehovah for all eternity - and then later pay the price for all eternity for reneging on the deal. Much much cheaper then renting a banquet hall.
So I put all that learning and teaching and brain washing to good use - I met with the 3 scary older elders of the KH and I answered all their questions sufficiently and thus I got my dunk under the water. A few short months later I got what I really wanted, a husband and some sex. It's such a shame that I sold my soul for that....it was like most everything else in my life up to this point, a huge let down.
I spend my married years bored and alone. My husband was a momma's boy of the worst kind. He was closed off and was emotional stunted. He poured every once of himself to his job and there was nothing left for anyone else. We went to the meetings, put on that smile on our faces and acted like the happy couple.
A few years pass by and I get so bored so I get a job, my boss shows me all the attention that I have ever wanted and more. I have an affair for about a year. I still go to the meetings off and on, I still have that smile pinned to my face. Inside I am nothing. I am miserable. I hate the man that I am married to. I hate the religion that controls my every step.
The best part is when I got pregnant, did I mention that my husband can't have children? Oh, well if not...he couldn't. Opps! The ball had dropped. A lot happened in that very emotional time. I found out that my new love (aka boss) is a lying piece of crap. He wasn't separated, he wasn't getting a divorce. He got me pregnant and was then going to move out of state without telling me. In steps my husband...he still loves me. He wants to try to stay together. He wants to meet with the elders and make sure that they know all about me and whoring self. So we do...they know. They question and want all the details - I figure they need to know. I am reproved and it's announced that they have talked with me and my sins have been taken care of. So I find myself back at the KH - but now I get all the "looks". People treat me like I am a leper, I have done wrong....I'm an outcast in the place that made me an outcast to everyone else. Where do I fit in if not here? All my friends are no longer friends. I am alone.
I give birth to my son, I had wanted a child for so long. Though now is the time that I am a parent, and I have no idea on how to be a parent. My parents didn't raise me, the religion did. I am so confused, I am so empty. How do I show a child that he matters? How do I teach him unconditional love when all I have ever received is love based on a religion. When you screw up you are an outcast, it's announced from the stage, using a microphone...so even the hard of hearing know it. I screwed up a lot, I have guilt for that still. I try my hardest to make up for the damage that I caused him. And for that hurt that I caused him, I blame the "truth". Thanks for royally fucking up a perfectly good woman, spouse, daughter, human being, and mother.
11 months after my son was born my darling; understanding, forgiving husband wakes up one day, sits up in bed and drops a bomb. "I want a divorce" he says, he sits there for a minute and then he gets out of bed. I laid there, I sat up...I was dumbfounded. What in the world?...Now he wanted a divorce? Then I felt this overwhelming sense of freedom settle over me. I had stopped going to the meetings not too long after my son was born. I would go willy nilly, but not like I used to. I had a reason I could miss now..."Oh, the baby is sick." "Yeah, he is so fussy and grouchy. I have to stay home." I hadn't gone out in field service in I honestly don't remember when. I still filled out the slips - I would write down my minimal fictional 2 hours and I would change it up with the amount of literature that I left, you know just to keep them guessing. I was about to be free of this man that gave me no joy or happiness, but who was I to complain. I cheated on him, got pregnant by another man and he still took me back. He bought me a new car and a big house...I had to pretend that I was happy.
Once he told me that he wanted out...I finally had FUN! I was drinking and partying (with his sister - ha) I was clubbing every weekend. Meeting guys, having fun. I was having the fun that I had always wanted. Guys were calling me non stop wanting to go out and have "fun". My son took the back seat, mommy needed to have fun. I started smoking, I got a tattoo...I was the ultimate rebel. Some where in that time my older sister and mother took it upon themselves to discuss my behavior with the elders. Thus begin me dodging them. Caller ID is heaven sent ;) They started calling at work and demanding that I meet with them. It's not like I could walk out of work to go and talk with some men that I had no interest in talking to to begin with. They didn't give up...they called my house, my cell phone, my work, my ex husband's work, my family's house all in search of this awful sinner. This black sheep that had stopped listening to their lies more than a year before the fun started. They finally had enough and let me have it. I was at work, I get a phone call. It was Elder Butt Face ;) he wanted to chat about my sins and how he needed to get to the bottom of it all and I was being summoned to the back room with him and the other men that I had already talked to. I told them that I was at work and that I couldn't leave. I was then informed that the meeting would be held without my presence and that they would decide my fate. It was announced the next Thursday that I was disfellowhipped. And now I was really an outcast. I wasn't a jay dub any longer. My blood was no longer blood. I was the worst of the worst.
Here is where I will fast forward a lot. I am now a mother of 3, married to the man that I love dearly and I will die with or for. We have been to hell and back fighting with our issues and trying to figure out how in the world we would get past all our hurts and pain. Only with the grace of God did we make it. We now are members of an awesome church, where we volunteer our free time and talents. We want to be there....we WANT to be there. Sometimes I still can't believe that. I never wanted to go to the KH or to a convention or assembly - it was forced upon me. Either by my parents or by the guilt that I would feel if I wasn't there.
Now don't get me wrong, it took many years of questioning and being angry and hurt at once again being an outcast. Most of my family wont have anything to do with me...I was yelled at by my alcoholic and abusive grandfather and I was told that I was a useless piece of shit and that he would physically remove from his home if I didn't leave (I was pregnant with my 1st child at the time)...Oh and he is a JW to this day (what a fucking hypocrite)
One day something broke inside of me and I finally knew that God loves me. Me. Little tiny insignificant me in the whole scheme of things, He loves me. I am truly loved and I love Him in return. It has been a battle. My head and my heart fought so hard at first. I have been able to shut out a lot of the ruckus that my head would make at the thought of going to church, or praying. I mean it had been beaten into me from infancy that only jay dubs have the power to be heard by God...it's a difficult thing to get past. Though now I follow my heart. This is a whole new side of me. It's just happened recently - a year and a half or so. This new found freedom makes me want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better daughter, a better human...a better everything.
For the first time in my life:
I have hope.
I pray.
I believe.
I am happy.
I stare at the cross that now hangs on my wall and it reminds me of so much. In a flash, I remember where I came from. I remember what I used to be. I remember how I used to live, in fear. Afraid that I was going to let someone down and I was going to hurt someone's feelings. Now I live for me, my family and for my God. The only one that truly saves. I was recently baptized and born again. This time it was MY choice. It wasn't forced down my throat by penny pinching and cheap parents. It wasn't expected of me. I wanted it, me...little insignificant me.
I am so thrilled to be on this path. For the first time in my 32 years of life I have found true happiness and my heart overflows with it.
Thanks for reading :)