Born in, Faded, want to date but......

SearchingForMe

Born a dub. Never dated while in because I "wasn't ready for marriage", Haven't dated since fade because I really don't want to burden my girlfriend with the bull@#% of dating me while I still have to put up a facade of being "just inactive" to my family so they won't shun me.

This sucks. I want to be happy. I want kids. I want to be able to have that and still be able to talk to my family who are ALL dubs and I know would shun me if they find out that I'm dating.

Does anybody here have similar story and been able to have both? Anybody been through it and think it's best to drop family? Don't know if I can do that, but worrying about my relationship with them is what's holding me back from doing what I want to be happy.

AAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Any comments welcome...

Searching...

Hopscotch

Hi Searching. My husband and I left the org together so I haven't been through an exact situation like yours. But I have lost my family because we faded and my now 20 year old son has also lost the company of all his JW cousins and friends. (We've been shunned for over two years now) I have asked my son a few times if he would rather that we stayed JWs so he could see his family and he says no way, he's so glad we left. And while it has been painful for me to lose my sister, brother and father, I feel that it was their choice to cut me off and their loss. I would never ever think of going back to being a JW just to have that kind of conditional love shown to me.

So Searching the only advice I can offer you is this. With each year that passes you realise just how short this life really is. You also begin to realise that you can't be really happy by living your life a certain way just to keep others happy. It's your life and you deserve the freedom to make your own choices as to how you want to live it. And if others (especially those who are supposed to love and support you the most) would rather show loyalty to a religious cult/organisation than their own flesh and blood then it is their choice and their loss.

Wishing you all the best in this difficult situation

Hopscotch

boyzone

but worrying about my relationship with them is what's holding me back from doing what I want to be happy.

And in a nutshell, there is your problem. For starters, how old are you? If you are late teens or early 20's, then its time to stop doing what pleases your parents and start looking at what you need to do to be happy in your life. This isn't being disrespectful, its just part of growing up and becoming an adult for yourself.

I kinda speak from experience here as I'm a mum to 4 sons. The oldest 3 are late teens/early 20's in age, all dating happily. As their mum it wasn't easy to let go, especially with the WT training I'd had to keep my kids under control, but I had to accept they weren't kids anymore but growing young men ready to make their own way.

Sure they make mistakes, don't we all? But that is part of life and learning. Speak to your parents respectfully about what you want. They may give you the standard WT line as expected but if you listen and remain polite they can see you are mature enough to make decisions on dating for yourself.

OnTheWayOut

I really don't want to burden my girlfriend with the bull@#% of dating me while I still have to put up a facade of being "just inactive" to my family so they won't shun me.

Move on with life. Everybody has some kind of baggage to carry when entering relationships. The person you date is liable to have been abused or maybe just has strange habits. Nobody is perfect. It isn't a big deal that you have a strange relationship with your family. Oh sure, the reason for that strange relationship might be unusual. But everybody has baggage.

EmptyInside

I know it's easier said than done,because I'm in the same situation. But,you have to live your life. We no longer have forever to put it off.

Just go slowly,and just meet new people,non-Witnesses. If you meet someone you want to go out with,who says your family even needs to know about it. If it would get serious,maybe then,but have fun. I know it's hard to get out of the Witness mentality to only date for marriage. But, just think of it, as a way of getting to know new people.

I know it's painful,and I get discouraged about this very thing myself. But, we can't live our lives to make other people happy,and for us to be miserable. Your family may eventually come around and be accepting. If not,it is your life.

NVR2L8

SFM,

Like you I am inactive and until now I have stayed under the radar, but I know the day is coming where I will have to take a stand. In my case this will affect my relationship with my wife, my son and daughter in law, my grand-children, my mother, my brother and my sister...I risk loosing it all for something all of them may never experience - freedom to think yourself, to reason and to act according to your own conscience. You must decide for yourself if this is a price too high to pay. As for me, it is a question of life or death - I felt that I'd be better off dead than to continue serving the WTS for the rest of my life, or worse, forever...so I stopped. My life is far from perfect and people around me are sad and they say that they miss me at the meetings...at least that tell my wife...but I don't miss their conditional love.

NVR2L8

mamalove

I feel for you. That is a tough situation. I am guessing you are in your early 20's?

Think about whether or not your family can give you the kind of companionship a wife can? Can they make children and a home life for you?

If you have those desires for a girlfriend (which are totally normal) then it is time to start living. Dating is very fun, can be exciting and you can make tons of good friends and make memories that are a natural part of life. There will be bumps and bruises along the way, but you will find someone that you care about.

As far as baggage goes, I find most people are extremely empathetic, and willing to try and help or at least be a listening ear.

Just be open about it and have a free mind on what you are willing to explore in life.

breathing

id say its worth risking, cos are you going to miss out your whole life cos of this?

and why do you have to tell them straight away anyway?

id wait till you meet someone you thought was really worth risking it for, and had been with them for a while and then you would probably have alot of strength and support from the relationship you would be in,

surely aswell, it would be up to the person you were with to decide if they wanted to suppor tyou, dont make that decision for someone else before you have even met them, they might have been in an abusive relationship before they met you , so supporting you through a fading situation might be the least of their worries,(just an example)

what im really saying is dont try to judge the situation from where you are now, instead, if you waited till in a loving relationship you may not feel as alone and scared, (still some fear, but you would have a much clearer picture of what you were gaining by being up front then)

hope that makes some sense, just dont feel you have to be honest with them, you arent playing by their rules any more,

frigginconfused

I feel ya. Work on healing yourself and freeing up your spirit.

Check_Your_Premises

Searching,

I was curious about something, are you describing yourself as a fader because you are breaking one of the soceities rules; you are dating a non-jw?

Or do you consider yourself a fader because you really don't agree with it and don't think the WT is God's organization?

It does make a difference, becuase if you still believe in the WT, there might be a chance you would go back. Your GF needs to know if that is the case. That kind of omission would simply NOT be right.

But if you really don't agree with it, I think you have to follow your conscience. You can't sacrifice your right to think for yourself to keep your family happy. Easy to say...

You are going to have to build a circle of friends and create your own life, so that when they do find out you have some sources of comfort.

Hang in there. Everyone here is pulling for you.

CYP

Born in, Faded, want to date but......

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