I learned through therapy that the way we think - our thoughts - drive our emotions. When we see things in black and white - when our thinking is extremely judgmental - that fuels very intense emotions. For someone like me who is already emotionally sensitive, this has proven to be very dangerous for me.
Another thing I've noticed is that I have never felt that I have a true moral compass. I have tried to live by a set of 'rules' that I was not allowed to question or modify. I have not been allowed to figure out what is right for me...
I found this list on JWFacts and it shows some of the issues that cult victims struggle with. It explains it all a little better. I bolded the parts that really resonated with me:
-
1. Identity Issues. The child's identity is "imposed" by the group resulting in being developmentally delayed emotionally. Young adults who leave destructive groups frequently attempt to regain their childhood.
2. Ethical Issues. There was no real opportunity to determine a personal belief system so often the person has no moral compass or internal boundaries. Typically, the ethical framework was built on a religious worldview that has been abandoned. Thus, the person often gets involved in circumstances not healthy for them.
3. Social Identity/Isolation Issues. It is often very difficult to identify with peers and to trust which can result in loneliness and isolation.
4. Emotional/ Psychological Issues. The person frequently feels intense guilt and fear. The group has told them that to leave is to invite God's wrath and that the world is a scary place. T intense anger at the group for "ruining" their life and family, or they may be angry at God for "allowing" this to happen to them.
5. Social /Cultural Issues. Destructive groups create their own culture ( practices, rituals, music, dietary "laws", ways of worship, etc.) and worldview.
6. Education Issues. Education is usually woefully deficient. (To be fair, Witness children receive a good base education but are advised against free thinking and advanced education)
7. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Issues.
The other section that really struck a chord with me was...
Loaded Language. A new vocabulary emerges within the context of the group. Group members "think" within the very abstract and narrow parameters of the group's doctrine. The terminology sufficiently stops members from thinking critically by reinforcing a "black and white" mentality. Loaded terms and clichés prejudice thinking ('the truth', 'new system', 'worldly people', 'disfellowship' 'Jehovah's Organization', 'RV's', 'door to door' and 'theocratic')
For me, I think the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder was from a combination of things: biologically, I am wired to be more emotionally sensitive than the average person. That's just how I was built. But then add in an invalidating environment with an emotionally and physically abusive parent, an equally damaging marriage and then the guilt and control of the religion and voila!
For those of you reading this - I am including below the criteria used for determining Borderline Personality Disorder.
OH and the good news is that after three years of therapy, I am considered 'recovered'. I no longer fit the criteria. I do still have an impulsive side to my nature and I have down days. But I am no longer in danger. Dialectic Behavioural Therapy made all the difference to me.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (American Psychiatric Association, 1994, pg. 654) describes Borderline Personality Disorder as a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
- frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment;
- a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation;
- identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self;
- impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating);
- recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior;
- affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days);
- chronic feelings of emptiness;
- inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights);
- transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
