As for Adam, let us turn our Boomer Bible to Lies chapter 2 . . .
Ginny
LIES
Chapter 2
1 And so it happened that, in time, the apes came to believe that there was only one God,
2 Who had made everything all by himself,
3 In seven days and seven nights,
4 Starting completely from scratch,
5 When everything was null and void,
6 At the beginning.
7 And this was not all they believed,
8 For they also believed that they were descended directly from the first two people on earth,
9 Who were also not apes, but a man named Adam and a rib named Eve,
10 Who started out living in a paradise called the garden of Eden,
11 But got kicked out forever because Eve committed a great sin,
12 By eating an apple she got from a serpent,
13 Which turned out to be a bad apple,
14 Because the serpent was really the devil,
15 And the apple was really the knowledge of good and evil,
16 Which Eve should have left alone,
17 Because the apple turned out to be responsible for everything wrong in the world,
18 Including the Curse,
19 The Mark of Cain,
20 The Whore of Babylon,
21 The Wrath of God,
22 The Day of Judgment,
23 And much more besides,
24 Especially sin and guilt, which everyone is full of from birth,
25 So that there is no good and no peace of mind, except from the one God,
26 Whose name is Yahweh,
27 But isn't to be mentioned out loud,
28 By anyone.
29 Nor was this all they believed.
Chapter 3
1 They believed that God had Chosen them especially as his own tribe,
2 Like pets,
3 And given them all manner of special treatment,
4 Including great leaders like Abraham,
5 Who tried to sacrifice his son Isaac because God told him to,
6 Although God spared Isaac, because he was only kidding about the sacrifice,
7 So that Isaac had sons of his own,
8 Who were Jacob and Esau,
9 One of whom had a hairy birthright,
10 And something happened between them,
11 Something too complicated to remember.
12 Nor was this all they believed.
Chapter 4
1 They believed that after getting Chosen as God's special tribe,
2 Their wisest leaders worked out a written contract with God,
3 Called a Covenant,
4 Which spelled everything out pretty clearly,
5 About who was supposed to do what.
6 For example, if God yelled "Jump!" at the Chosen Tribe, they were supposed to ask, "How high?" and then get right to it,
7 No matter what it was God wanted.
8 In return for this sort of behavior, God agreed to look after the Chosen Tribe in his own special way,
9 Seeing to it, for example, that the Chosen Tribe would be specially singled out for persecution by every other tribe on earth,
10 Forever.
11 When they saw what a great Covenant they had made,
12 The Chosen Tribe built a special ark to keep it in,
13 So that they could read it whenever they got confused,
14 Which was plenty,
15 What with one thing and another.
Chapter 5
1 But in spite of the apple and sin and guilt and the Covenant,
2 The Chosen Tribe also believed that God loved them,
3 Even if he had a funny way of showing it,
4 Such as threatening to destroy everyone in the world,
5 Which he did every so often,
6 Like whenever he got mad.
7 And then one time when he was really mad,
8 He went ahead and did it,
9 And destroyed everybody in a tremendous flood,
10 Except for Noah and the passengers he took on his ark,
11 Which wasn't the same ark they kept the Covenant in,
12 Because when Noah asked for help in building his,
13 The leaders told him that one ark was enough for any Chosen Tribe,
14 And if Noah couldn't see that,
15 He must have a screw loose,
16 Or words to that effect.
17 And so Noah built his own ark,
18 And filled it with two of each kind of animal that wasn't too big to fit inside,
19 Such as dinosaurs,
20 Which were too big to fit,
21 Apparently,
22 And didn't get to go,
23 Although the ark went all the way to Mount Aarat,
24 Thus saving Noah,
25 And making it possible for God to keep showing his love in the oddest possible ways.
Chapter 6
1 And so it came to pass that Noah begat a son,
2 Who begat a son,
3 And so forth,
4 And so on,
5 Until there were a lot of people again,
6 Which convinced God that it was time to destroy some more things,
7 Such as Sodom and Gomorrah,
8 Which wasn't really God's fault,
9 Because he warned everybody not to try dating his Angels,
10 Which they went ahead and tried anyway,
11 Resulting in lots of fire and brimstone from you know who,
12 Which didn't kill Lot,
13 Because Lot didn't try to date any Angels,
14 Although it did kill Lot's wife,
15 Who didn't try to date any Angels either,
16 But she was a woman,
17 And God thought he'd like her better if she was something else instead,
18 Maybe something quieter,
19 And so he turned her into a pillar of salt,
20 Which stopped her from talking,
21 Completely.
