Hey what's up?
Well i feel under the weather don't know how to put it in words.
Where to start? My life sucks. i hate it. i wish somedays like today i was dead. i cry for a better life that i dream that i feel will never come. i hope and hope but that hope after dies like myself. i hate myself. i regret joining this crapy. but what could i do at 9 years old. i did not know better at the time. Now 9 years latter i look back and regret it all.
I would like to tell everyone my story. it's not the happiest story. it explains why i most of the time have a unhappy face. why should i be happy when at an early age people ruined the foundations of my life and left scared bone deep. they hurt emotionally each day. they cut deep in my heart. i cry in my heart no tears come out. Even though i'm 18 i feel like i'm old and wish i was dead...i feel like some failure. when i compare my life to other it just makes me depressed..i feel like there is no one in the world that can understand my emotion i tried to tell my parents how i feel but they could not understand. they tell me that my goals for races and olympics and x games don't bring real joy like service and serving jehovah. i tried to tell them i miss my family but they relate to me my new family and that i should forget the old one...it's true that some of them did hurt me and my parents emotionally but that can also be said for the so called new family . Everyone in my hall thinks i'm happy serving jehovah and pioneering, helping others. They all give good reports about me. I ask myself if they truly care? The CO was telling me how everyone keeps telling him good things about me. But why don't i get invited more? if they truly care when was the last time they asked me for service plans instead of me asking them? I always encourage others and forget my problems..I'm always there to help with the service groups...what did i get for my hard work? Nothing i feel like some wasted junk..i was only invited a few times..then i go on facebook..i see the fun there are having and it breaks my heart.. even one of the younger ones in my hall i send him a friend request he the next week i went with in service how he does not understand people sending friend request to people that there are barely friends with...i understood his point that he did not want to be friends with me or his group ether....i broke my heart because i could have been accepted in school and gone to parties and had fun..but no i need to be different and represent my bible based beliefs in the JW and i was made fun of...at the same time the deep war wounds would haunt me..i but i had the bible based hope for the future..but that hope slowed died with much other hope i had....
I was born in Yugoslavia during the 1990's war. My dad's side Bosnian mom's Serb. My dad's family was very rich and had their own businesses. They owned a fruit orchard and a store. But because of their ethic difference being bosnian and living in a serbian city everything was taken away from them. My grandparents moved to Croatia and my dad had to flee to Germany. Me and my mom left to Serbia. My parents where separated for 3 years because of the war. During the war much emotional damage was done. That emotional damage would latter in my life stay and cause much more heartache and still does. My family lost everything my dad ran the shop and had his own house he was planing to make it large to 3 floors from 2. Besides losing everything we all almost lost ours lives. The serbian military police beat my father and anther croat to death almost. My grandmother could have died when a solder was throwing a grenade her house in the country side. They also beat them up the serbian military police. Because of these event my mom was very much disappointed with the Serbian Orthodox church because they where blessing the troops to kill the others. Also the Bosnians are guilty too and the croats to. So my parents started to search for god. In the mean time back in Germany
Germany: my dad was working saving mom to pay the mafia to get us out of serbia and into Germany. My dad got germany papers because of his brother but he did not want to extend help to my mom and me because my mom was serbian. Meanwhile in Germany the JW's came and started leaving their stuff. Finally me and mom came to Germany my mom very much shocked my war and what happened starting reading the JW stuff. (CRAPY I can't even write in peace my sister room is next door and she is talking she's 3 i'll get to this latter....) So my mom started to study..but we could not stay in germany beacuse the government wanted us out no more visa to work..
Canada: we moved to Canada my parents look for the JW but could not find them...1999 lifes getting better mom's mom my grandma serbian comes to visit and i started going to school hard-time with language learning english...I start doing some sports in school nothing much still young in grade 1...2000 something learned english life getting better and I'm too young to see what the war was caused on me . 2000 half the year parents started studding and i'm also studding..2001 was the year we became active with the JW's.....my teach encouraged me to join the gymnastics club and swim team...The JW discouraged it and my mom became a unbap pub. Grandma comes to visit and the visit was not so well my grandma did not handle the situation well with my mom and dad starting to become active with the JW... complicated story with grandma vs mom..but that made matters worse my mom was convinced that this was the truth... anther serbian sister that lived in the building had a similar story so my mom went to her for help..Mom becomes bap and dad 2 years after i give up on asking my parents for gymnastics and swim club... i enjoy life as a JW as my parents presented it all other religions are evil and they had proof from the Yugoslav war..i missed my family and i cried for them when i went to bed but the JW taught me i would see them in the new world if they become JWs.... things went ok...i was never allowed to visit my family in europe because they where not witness and the people that studied with my parents became their best best friends. i looking back now regret those years of being a idiot..wasted so much youth being something now i regret...i became inactive and did not do any-sports became busy with school and service..i took a new hobby i would play computer games to pass the times when i had some free time when i was not doing school working or meeting prep...i even had a brother from Bethel study with me.
i was a good son. i did not question why we did not celebrate birthdays and other holidays i was very zealous for the JW. i would make many hours in service...i would always go out in service. in the first hall i was in the bothers and sisters adopted me as their own and were very caring. A few years latter we moved to a different hall in 2004 we moved to toronto. Here i would get bap in 2005. my bap was not best i had to fly back home the same day with my dad to see my dying grandfather i was 13. i miss him his last were to me that he his last wish was fuilfiled to see me his everything he called me. my grandmother told me stories at night before bed of how he planed to teach me to ski and other stuff..this was the first time in 8 year i saw my family. my heart melted. as soon as a ran out of the airport i saw my grandfather the other one and i hugged him and we kissed in serbian custom 3 times...From there my faith in the JW could start slowing starting falling apart...
I starting having school problems and i had no friends. I was bullied in school for my faith. SO in order to find a solution to my problem my parents got me a dog to forget my worries....My dog was my best friend. i walked him everywhere and take so much for him. i miss him. i went to a natural-path for my bulling problem since the stress got to my health i had some health problems...Next year we also went home but that was the last year we would visit family my aunt got married and this aunt i love the most she was the only one of the family i would reg contact on my own. she came to visit every year untill my parents where JW so that's 1998 1999 2000 2001. we would skpye and msn.... After that trip back home my life would change forver..i as a curious person always wonder why the society warned us about watching anti hate movies about witness...To make matter worse our book study conductor grandfather was a apostate and he would mention so many bad things about him. I slowly started wonder why this or that... then my mom got pregnant. i was stocked and i did not want a sister...this is now the half of 2006 september i was living life ok i was going to school being in harder classes for smarter students but that changed i feel into depression since i would have to give away my dog because of my sister my parents told me and my teacher kicked me out of the harder class to normal to anther teacher. i told here i want to stay but she would not belive me and the normal class was harder beacuse the teachers would suck....I had problems with school no friends...But i had hope...All of this hope would die when i moved to Vancouver.. the younger brothers and in Vancouver would kill it...
Vancouver: So why did we move from toronto to vancouver? well my parents wanted change and thier best friends moved here early about 1 year we were apart and their were like sisters and brother my parents and that couple and they still are. We prayed to jehovah and it all looked like he was guiding us here. Other JW called from vancouver offered us a place and my dad a job. We knew that couple from Toronto before. but my parents where not close with them. My parents always blamed me and my bad social skills for not having any friends within the JWs my age..
Vancouver the fist year there was no young people but i did make some friends in school i was smart and did not tell anyone i was a JW. But they always invited me to parties and stuff and i was made up stupid reason why i can't go..i'm going to Whistler or the USA for the weekend...My parents have a business meeting in seattle..i don't know the city well..Lame...i know...
A year after some young ones came in but there where 19 20 and...i was exited i was since i finally could make some friends my age. But they only where friendly in service and stuff..i thought i could make friends with them. But that facebook comment in service told me it will not happen. i was so disappointed. Since each day more and more i missed my loving family now for the last 4 year i would weekly call my family. it's 2009 that's year we moved to Vancouver and the young ones moved in 2010. 2010 good year. i worked for the Olympic and i made some Olympic Athlete friends*kindof*...well i just would countie and hoping i would make friends...they know blamed me and my topics what i talked about in service i talked about university to much since i the householder ask if i would go i said yes....well i changed fast i kept itself my self more i was open just 1% now i closed off all emotion i started lying how i feel...now a year latter i regert my life i started to board in vancouver so i board for 2 years. but my olympic vision would come to haunt me...They did aftet the olympics i had dreams that a odd person like a ghost or angle show me all the bad and corrupt ways of the watchtower...that dream shock me and then next night i had a dream a won a gold medal on snowboard cross in sochi. that started me to think.. i never went on thise site but when i did all the things i dreams about the WTS where true..the dream told me to look at study into the watchtower and think...i did and the more i stuied the more i felt like it was the wrong way..
Now i'm here don't know what to do..i hate myself sorry if this is all messed up it's just my life...i hate it...i miss my family i cry for them everyday...i ask myself can i go on author day..Everone is the hall for the last year says i'm the best example since i started to pioneer...things are changing...
Last night the CO came and he mentioned i should go to Bethel my parents don't understand me....i don't want to go or be a part of this anymore...i have so much more feeling then this...but i don't have the time to write it all done....i well write more on how i feel in part 2 latter on today...