My uncle has died

by zagor 9 Replies latest jw friends

  • zagor
    zagor

    Its becoming something of a tradition for me. Every time I've come back to this board in the last 3 year its because of something major has changed. A milestone of sorts.

    And this is one too. My uncle died. Man who was instrumental in me ever becoming a witness when I was a teen. In fact, he was the one who swayed good portion of the family too. Truth to be told after I left borg I didn't want to have anything to do with him. I was pissed, big time. (and with a good reason) That would be about 13 years ago,

    Over the years that became a habit. I didn't want to have anything to do with him or anyone who was inside. You could say I grown accustomed to shut some people out of my life and throw away the key. I guess I didn't let them shun me, I shunned them instead.

    Today I was talking to my mother, also thankfully out, now she tells me for the first time, every time he came to my parents place he kept asking about me and how I was doing. Now I feel like a dick.

    Did I go overboard with this? Was he bothered by everything I went through after becoming one of them? Was it call of conscience? Curiosity? All of the above? Don't know. But it did make me think. Reality is after leaving borg I build my life the way I wanted it to be and I'm proud of what I achieved. But today I'm feeling numb. Truth is I should be pissed but I'm not. My mother on the other hand felt like going to his funeral and spitting on his coffin. I had major argument with her as result of it. I know she is just saying it, would never do that. But you get the sense, there was lots of it there I cannot put in couple of paragraphs. On the other hand it doesn't matter anyway I cannot change it anymore. After all it made me who I am today. But still I'm left with a thought.

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    Hey, sorry for your loss. It is tough to know how to feel. I try to remember that anyone who did the wrong things for the right reasons is worth forgiving. I know that the JW life can make people into real jerks, but we cannot assign all character flaws or gems to the organization. People are or were what they are/were.

    Also, don't kick yourself for staying away from those in the JW life still. That damned Watchtower does things to people and you needed to protect yourself. If you gotta feel like a dick, try to turn it toward the Watchtower itself. It's not wonderful to encourage anger, but you can forgive your uncle faster if you realize that it was WTS that was the problem.

  • outlawwilly
    outlawwilly

    Onthewayout makes some good points. Don't beat yourself up. That is the worst thing you can do. You already lost a good portion of your life being humiliated and beat up emotionally by the cult. Uncle or not, there is not a damn thing you can do to change even one iota of anything that has happened in the past. Don't allow all the what if's to crowd out all the good and progressive thoughts of now or going forward. It took me a LONG time to realize this myself, so I know it is not easy to do. Heres to you and making a speedy recovery from this loss. Cheers.

  • zagor
    zagor

    Thank you OTWO, you're right. People are worth forgiving. Thinking back now I think I gotten over what happened long ago but basically shut the door on the past and in process shut the door on the people who were part of it too.

    But yeah, this is like dancing on the edge of the knife. As far as WT is concerned I hope they reap what they sow, I really do

    Thank you outlawwilly, appreciate your thoughts

  • Scully
    Scully

    So sorry for your loss, zagor.

    I'm doing some interesting reading this week - a book called Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth, PhD - and I'm at the part where she describes "the impulse to bolt". What she is talking about is a defence mechanism whereby we avoid painful situations by "bolting" - cutting people out of our life, never speaking to them again, and so on. We run away rather than face what we believe to be more painful than we can tolerate.

    Maybe this is at the root of why some of us exJWs choose to shun them before they can shun us, because for them to reject us would be far more painful - so we don't give them the opportunity - we strike first - we reject them - we do it because we think it gives us the upper hand. But the pain is still there, the void and emptiness is still there. I know that I'm in that boat too. I've had a counsellor tell me that it's the right thing to do, to stop trying with JW relatives so they can't reject me over and over, so I don't empower them by allowing them to shun me... shun them and they can't shun you. But that big elephant in the room still hinders the relationship, the one that resents the fact that my parents were recruited into a cult and they dragged me and my siblings into it without a second thought, and now our entire family is in shambles because of it. Nobody talks to anybody anymore, even the others who never became JWs, because that resentment has festered for decades, and nobody wants to acknowledge the pain that the cult's practices have caused our family.

    I don't know if sharing this will help you at all... but I guess at the heart of it, I'm trying to say that what you did was a normal reaction, one taken for self-preservation. Nobody can fault you for that. Don't beat yourself up - for all you know, your uncle would have tried to re-recruit you or given you an ultimatum to go back or he'd never speak to you again.

    It might make you feel a bit better to write a letter to him and explain why you did what you did, and then talk about the good times you remembered with him. If you have a garden, plant a shrub or a tree in his memory.

  • zagor
    zagor

    for all you know, your uncle would have tried to re-recruit you or given you an ultimatum to go back or he'd never speak to you again.

    Thank you Scully :) you made me laugh for the first time today. And yes I think you hit the nail on the head it was self-preservation reaction. Also they probably would've reacted that way, that is how they've been programmed. Reality is most of them are probably too afraid to speak to me anyway. In fact, I'm thinking now if I'm pondering over this more than most of my JW relatives ever will, but anyhow.

    Sounds like a good book, will have to get it. I think I need a walk :)

  • prophecor
    prophecor

    Hearing you Zagor. Sorry for your loss. I hope time gets you thru this with grace.

  • flipper
    flipper

    ZAGOR- I'm so sorry about the loss of your uncle. My wife and I send our condolences. Sincerely , Mr. & mrs. Flipper

  • snowbird
    snowbird

    (((((((Zagor)))))))

    Peace.

    Syl

  • mouthy
    mouthy

    Dont beat yourself up & try to calm your MUM,Hatred only hurts the hater.
    You have to forgive him He thought he was doing right...
    Your free!!! I still believe it is his heart the Great Judge will examine not
    his religion.

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